Venting I lied to my doctors to keep the euthanasia-option alive | Prescription drugs are the only things that are keeping me alive

[Predestinated]

I just have to vent..... I have a chronic illness (not curable) and the only thing that are keeping me alive (were prescription opiods because of my illness) and are now benzodiazepines: Xanax, Valium, Ambien, Lorazepam... sometimes I mix them with alcohol. When I mix them I lose EVERY sense of being guilty of doing something/anything wrong in every aspect in my life and my actions. And I'm not myself anymore. I don't know whats wrong and whats right when I'm manipulating my doctors and other things. I'm "running" from doctors to other doctors and I lie about my current prescriptions to get more benzos. My life-saving prescription drug, in the true sense of words. When I take benzos, I feel better. I omitted medical information, I manipulated doctors, lied about my current dose of benzos, to get more benzos....that's why I'm still alive. Benzos also give me hope for the future. Which doctor in the world would even prescribe Valium if I tell them I'm already getting Ambien or Lorazepam? I just want to die, but probably my survival instinct and the benzos are saying "no".

I already tried to kill myself with partial hanging at home, but I kinda did something wrong and failed. And it hurted so much. Right now I'm trying to fix my Exit-Bag method, it seems like the gas is leaking out of my cylinder...

My chronic nerve illness is getting worse and I fear that I will end up like people who have the same illness (or something similar like mine) who can't even use their hands anymore. Numbness is getting worse. How would I be able to kill myself with such a complicated method like the Exit-Bag method or even hang myself, if I couldnt even use my hands and feet anymore?
Thats why I often lied to some of my doctors.... I don't know if I have depression. But I never admitted or reveal the diagnosis or signs/symptoms "depression" to doctors. And I didnt even ask them if I might have a depression or seek a psychologist to get the diagnosis "depression". And I'm already getting the highest dose of anti-depression pills.
--> Why? In Germany, where I live, people are only allowed to get euthanasia by doctors, if they have no depression. So I want to keep the option "euthanasia" alive. If I can't use my hands or so anymore, euthanasia (in a hospital with doctors) is the only option for me. And it's also the most easy, the safest and most "comfortable" way (if you can even call it that way) for ending my life.

So I pretend I just having panic attacks or I say "I cant cope with my illness" (both are true by the way) and I didn't tell most doctors that I already planned and prepared my suicide methods. In Germany, our new minister of health is more liberal in terms of euthanasia, so I want to keep this option alive.

At the same time, I didn't tell some of hospital-doctors that I'm kinda might intending killing myself even before my illness gets worse, (sometimes I said that I promised that I will only kill myself when my illness gets much worse) so I get normal treatment for my chronic illness instead of putting me in a closed psychiatry... so in some medical hospital reports, the doctors wrote "no suicidal tendency".

I don't know if there is hope or chances of stopping my illness. There is a very expensive medicine/drug that could stop my illness getting worse. But in this phase of my illness, doctors say my health insurance wont pay this extreme expensive drug. Maybe if i will end in a wheelchair they might pay my medicine. But I won't wait till ending in a wheelchair.

I want to die so badly, but I dont want to do fail a suicide method and end up as a vegetable... I woulnt mind if a robber or someone else just shoots a bullet in my head and I mean it that way. Or die in a car/train crash without pain.

Sorry for writing so messy but I cant think clearly. In the past and now as well....

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have to endure so much suffering. To me it is horrifying how our bodies are capable of torturing us. It is such a cruel and unfair life and people should not have to suffer like this. I also fear failing ctb, it is what keeps me here. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your pain.

 

[NSA]

You are doing nothing wrong. If you have to lie to get what you need, it's not you, it's them. Just be careful not to get busted for it.

 

[toasterbath]

I'm developing a benzos addiction too and it's scary that it's the only thing that makes me feel energetic and functional and able to cope in this shitty world. Honestly addiction is a disease and it's genetic for me too. I always latch onto substances to cover up pain and trauma. It's just easy right instant reward no work needed. I have lied to doctors too. You are suffering from an illness that could slowly take away the ability to use your hands and feet. Euthanasia should not just be limited to people who are 90 years old.