Help i lied on a dating site and now i dont know what to do

[raindrops]

I left ss for a bit to see if i could blend in with normies. Im not saying everyone on dating sites are normal, far from. I just mean from my perspective their life is sorted, they have completed goals. I met someone who is a teacher and is only 29. the thing is i faked my way through feeling happy and i did it so i could be distracted from my thoughts but my thoughts to ctb wont leave my mind. i cant do this, pretending all the time. now this guy likes me. how do i say "sorry i think about jumping off a cliff every day & night" he thinks i go to work, when i dont. he thinks ive been single one year, ive only been single less than a month. he thinks so much good about me because of my lies. now how do i say "sorry i lied" and i know i'll let him down because he doesnt leave me alone in this sweet ordinary way when getting to know someone. i caused this. and yet in some weird way im enjoying the lies, i feel distracted. i feel wanted and no one would want me right now, my ex partner left because i was so fucking depressed and insane 24/7. even my pictures are a fake smile. how do i say im not who i really am. the pictures they have of me are real but the info about me is allll lies.

 

[Argo]

Well, I'm not sure how to fix your specific predicament, but I think the lesson here is to just stop lying. Whatever is worth while for you in the future, has to actually connect to something true. Isn't that obvious? No matter what it is. Whether you recover, whether you ctb, whatever. You want that outcome to actually be connected to something true. That's the basis for you to admit that the truth is good-- you value it and you also wouldn't want someone to deceive you. That would be bad for you. And so this means you wouldn't want to deceive others. It doesn't just rob them of the thing they value(since we all value the truth, whether we realize it or not).

It robs you, because now you are in this situation where you have to untangle the complexity of lies. You and the people you interact with deserve better. How much easier would your life be to manage if you didn't have this extra and unnecessary burden?

 

[F@#$]

Sounds like every relationship I've ever been in. Do you it's your life.

 

[raindrops]

Well, I'm not sure how to fix your specific predicament, but I think the lesson here is to just stop lying. Whatever is worth while for you in the future, has to actually connect to something true. Isn't that obvious? No matter what it is. Whether you recover, whether you ctb, whatever. You want that outcome to actually be connected to something true. That's the basis for you to admit that the truth is good-- you value it and you also wouldn't want someone to deceive you. That would be bad for you. And so this means you wouldn't want to deceive others. It doesn't just rob them of the thing they value(since we all value the truth, whether we realize it or not).

It robs you, because now you are in this situation where you have to untangle the complexity of lies. You and the people you interact with deserve better. How much easier would your life be to manage if you didn't have this extra and unnecessary burden?

Exactly that. Thank you for your honesty!!! No job, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, i feel like they'll forever be a part of me, i'll always be lying to someone but never here on ss i tell the whole truth here, like a diary. The lies i told are not made up from my imagination, im telling him things that i have done before but don't do now as my life changed 2 years ago. I cant say "oh i stay in bed all day, i stay up until 5 in the morning thinking about dying" its either ctb or keep pretending forever. sorry i just realised my post isnt suppose to be here. delete if so. i just dont know how to meet someone and be happy. maybe getting a job might help me feel distracted. i dont know anymore. maybe i shouldnt be seeking love after leaving a 15 yr relationship less than 1 month ago. but im getting old. anyway. im sorry i posted this here. im just so fucking lonely.

 

[Argo]

Exactly that. Thank you for your honesty!!! No job, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, i feel like they'll forever be a part of me, i'll always be lying to someone but never here on ss i tell the whole truth here, like a diary. The lies i told are not made up from my imagination, im telling him things that i have done before but don't do now as my life changed 2 years ago. I cant say "oh i stay in bed all day, i stay up until 5 in the morning thinking about dying" its either ctb or keep pretending forever. sorry i just realised my post isnt suppose to be here. delete if so. i just dont know how to meet someone and be happy. maybe getting a job might help me feel distracted. i dont know anymore. maybe i shouldnt be seeking love after leaving a 15 yr relationship less than 1 month ago. but im getting old. anyway. im sorry i posted this here. im just so fucking lonely.

Of course it's understandable why you'd want to lie in this world. No one would blame you or point the finger at you if they understood what you've been through. The point is just this question:

"Will I get what I want in a lasting way by lying?"

Meeting someone and being happy may be impossible here. Meeting someone is possible, but it's the being happy part, and having that be genuine and lasting. That's the hard part that I don't think has a good solution. And if it does, not a lot of people get to access it because of how our world is and how we are.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I waited until a few months after my gf moved in with me before unmasking my broken side.
I completely understand trying to hide it however...

I just overflowed and trauma dumped how borderline obsessed I was with CTB, which in turn caused her to break down (this was at the middle to the end of November) and we are just now getting back to normal.

The moral of this story is see a counselor and slowly start unmasking before you break.

Seriously.

I cannot stress this enough,
Unmask.slowly.

 

[raindrops]

I waited until a few months after my gf moved in with me before unmasking my broken side.
I completely understand trying to hide it however...

I just overflowed and trauma dumped how borderline obsessed I was with CTB, which in turn caused her to break down (this was at the middle to the end of November) and we are just now getting back to normal.

The moral of this story is see a counselor and slowly start unmasking before you break.

Seriously.

I cannot stress this enough,
Unmask.slowly.

TL;DR? dont worry. thank you for your reply. insightful. i have a mental health nurse coming on the 13th of Jan but i never see this feeling going -- maybe i need a job as a distraction and to meet people, be a part of something. i told him im depressed and as i type this he wont stop calling me. im not ready for a relationship, i just wanted to date and see who's out there . i also think admitting how i feel will make me look vulnerable, easy target. i dont like the constant calling me, why cant he respect the fact i struggle to speak, i admitted it now and i feel embarrassed. also i dont think i like this person anyway... dont know how to cut him off (god i feel bad) we have nothing in common, he even asked me how long do cats live for because he doesnt like cats (on my cats life and mother grave he asked me that!!) he said it jokingly but i thought it was so disrespectful. anyway, thank you so much.

 

[outatime_85]

Well, if you're not ready for a relationship, then the only option is to admit the error, and if they can't accept that you have changed your mind, then you will have to block the other party on all your social media accounts and their number.

That said, if you think that person or anyone else is a viable candidate to bring into your life, then, as someone else suggested, start getting therapy and just be honest about what you are dealing with; they can decide how they want to proceed, but also be careful so you do not open yourself up to any manipulation or abuse from anyone that you fancy.

If my thinking on this is wrong, please forgive me and ignore it.

 

[F@#$]

Don

Exactly that. Thank you for your honesty!!! No job, depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, i feel like they'll forever be a part of me, i'll always be lying to someone but never here on ss i tell the whole truth here, like a diary. The lies i told are not made up from my imagination, im telling him things that i have done before but don't do now as my life changed 2 years ago. I cant say "oh i stay in bed all day, i stay up until 5 in the morning thinking about dying" its either ctb or keep pretending forever. sorry i just realised my post isnt suppose to be here. delete if so. i just dont know how to meet someone and be happy. maybe getting a job might help me feel distracted. i dont know anymore. maybe i shouldnt be seeking love after leaving a 15 yr relationship less than 1 month ago. but im getting old. anyway. im sorry i posted this here. im just so fucking lonely.

Don't be sorry. We're here.