Venting I left, now I'm back

[CarbonMonoxide]

I was, on here for a few months. I tried to change, got a beautiful daughter and couldn't imagine leaving her.

But for some of us life is over. We're living on borrowed time. I look at them, this woman who wants my kids, this precious little girl standing up at six months. So intelligent.

They make me want to continue but I'm so, so tired. So tired. I'm really tired. What do I do? Should I end it? Kill myself? Or live for them? Help me please

 

[JD8080]

I won't tell you what I think you should do but I will tell you this , you need to take time and think if you want to continue on as you are now Or be at peace finally . You say you cannot imagine leaving your daughter , so then you must also think of what this would do to her. Can you live the way you are now so she doesn't experience the pain of losing you ? I am here if you need to talk !

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

T

I won't tell you what I think you should do but I will tell you this , you need to take time and think if you want to continue on as you are now Or be at peace finally . You say you cannot imagine leaving your daughter , so then you must also think of what this would do to her. Can you live the way you are now so she doesn't experience the pain of losing you ? I am here if you need to talk !

Thank you so much. Today I spent nearly two hours at the top of this 13 story building. Just looking down at what would surely be the end. I'm so mixed up!

 

[JD8080]

I am happy you chose not to ! I think for me I know someday soon I will do it , just not today if that makes sense . There are days when I have sat in my closet with a rope around my neck feeling so hopeless but then there are days I just get by . For people like us it's so very hard to even exist .

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

QUOTE="JD8080, post: 774216, member: 19287"]
I am happy you chose not to ! I think for me I know someday soon I will do it , just not today if that makes sense . There are days when I have sat in my closet with a rope around my neck feeling so hopeless but then there are days I just get by . For people like us it's so very hard to even exist .
[/QUOTE]
If only you knew how close I was to jumping. I have little fear of heights and it was so damn tempting. I kept thinking about my daughter growing up around stories of her suicidal dad and I just couldn't do it.
Apologies for the terrible quoting, I'm a mess. I'm here in my living room. Do I join them and keep up the stupid act?

 

[JD8080]

Not sure what that post is except a copy of our conversation ? Or is that what that Quote thing is for lol ?

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Not sure what that post is except a copy of our conversation ? Or is that what that Quote thing is for lol ?

Can I be allowed to be a bit desperate in my time of need? Maybe even make a few mistakes, do you think?

 

[Anonymoussn]

Hi! My advice is if you've got a daughter it would be amazing if you could live for her. You will see her accomplishments throughout her life, which will bring you joy you could only imagine. I'm sure you've experienced some already and know what I'm talking about to some degree.

However, I completely appreciate that you might be going through circumstances which mean you are really struggling even with the joy of having family around you. And your situation might mean your quality of life is really affected even with that.

Only you can make the choice. But if you ever want to talk, or just vent. We are all here.

 

[JD8080]

We are all desperate sometimes and me , all of the time . Desperate over many things . What do you mean by making mistakes ? I don't want to ask to many questions as I am here to listen for you

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Hi! My advice is if you've got a daughter it would be amazing if you could live for her. You will see her accomplishments throughout her life, which will bring you joy you could only imagine. I'm sure you've experienced some already and know what I'm talking about to some degree.

However, I completely appreciate that you might be going through circumstances which mean you are really struggling even with the joy of having family around you. And your situation might mean your quality of life is really affected even with that.

Only you can make the choice. But if you ever want to talk, or just vent. We are all here.

Thanks. I don't take people for granted, especially those who take time to reply to an anonymous internet guy.

I'm not not struggling financially, I'm just kinda getting by. It's just that I've been thinking about killing myself for the past 12 years. I'm not even sure why.

We are all desperate sometimes and me , all of the time . Desperate over many things . What do you mean by making mistakes ? I don't want to ask to many questions as I am here to listen for you

I meant with my poor use of the website, with my quoting. I'm glad to have you. Don't doubt that.

 

[JD8080]

Thank you and don't ever feel any type of way for how you use this website because I don't 100% get it either. I myself have been wanting to CTB for 13 years now. Probably more then that but I did have years where it wasn't so intense as it is now

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Thank you and don't ever feel any type of way for how you use this website because I don't 100% get it either. I myself have been wanting to CTB for 13 years now. Probably more then that but I did have years where it wasn't so intense as it is now

Why do we even persist? Why do we live with this painful depression!

 

[Beautiful Angel]

I was, on here for a few months. I tried to change, got a beautiful daughter and couldn't imagine leaving her.

But for some of us life is over. We're living on borrowed time. I look at them, this woman who wants my kids, this precious little girl standing up at six months. So intelligent.

They make me want to continue but I'm so, so tired. So tired. I'm really tired. What do I do? Should I end it? Kill myself? Or live for them? Help me please

If you still have your daughter and have a chance please stay for her I've lost everything s as nd every body k I have been trying to fix myself for a year now with minimum results The results that I want I have already destroyed a long time ago I cannot go on like this and I have no choice because I cannot keep living in my head like this

 

[JD8080]

I know my reason is my child . The only reason I am breathing but most also feel as if she would be better off with my mother. She doesn't deserve to see me this way. I feel like I am not even in my body , as if something is just forcing me be on this earth everyday . I dissociate a lot to bare with the suffering I feel everyday . Faking smiles , making everyone think I am doing good when really I am completely broken inside .

 

[Beautiful Angel]

I understand completely how you feel I feel the same way but if you have that little baby and she makes you a little bit happy you will find fight in you to keep on going I have all the way from mine in my self-pity and regret is all in myself I hate myself
But seriously she probably would not remember you being she is so small Whatever decision you make I know that it was a hard one for you to make and I understand either way

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

If you still have your daughter and have a chance please stay for her I've lost everything s as nd every body k I have been trying to fix myself for a year now with minimum results The results that I want I have already destroyed a long time ago I cannot go on like this and I have no choice because I cannot keep living in my head like this

What happened to you? Tell me.

 

[Beautiful Angel]

Well their daddy died in 2008 and I went down a very dark road filled with drugs and rage I was angry anyway I lost myself completely I'm surprised I'm still here but I am I've done so many drugs that I was trying to kill myself and never died and now here I am morning to do more than ever I have been trying to get my life straight but I've come to realize that it will never be any kind of life even if I did I don't wanna be here anymore and I can't do it anymore

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Well their daddy died in 2008 and I went down a very dark road filled with drugs and rage I was angry anyway I lost myself completely I'm surprised I'm still here but I am I've done so many drugs that I was trying to kill myself and never died and now here I am morning to do more than ever I have been trying to get my life straight but I've come to realize that it will never be any kind of life even if I did I don't wanna be here anymore and I can't do it anymore

We love people so much that we live for them. I've come to realize that. We just can't do it forever. I've wanted to kill myself for so long. Your situation is terrible, I think I get it. I need people like you. Talk to me.

 

[Brackenshire]

Maybe go to a therapist ..get some meds..try

 

[Beautiful Angel]

We love people so much that we live for them. I've come to realize that. We just can't do it forever. I've wanted to kill myself for so long. Your situation is terrible, I think I get it. I need people like you. Talk to me.

Yes we give people what we've never had!!!!! For me I gave away love while getting nothing in return but disrespected or used and depleted I can finally take my power back and leave and be at peace for once that's all I want I don't want to ever hurt again like I do now

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Yes we give people what we've never had!!!!! For me I gave away love while getting nothing in return but disrespected or used and depleted I can finally take my power back and leave and be at peace for once that's all I want I don't want to ever hurt again like I do now

We give people what we've never had. What a powerful statement. I want to take my power back too.