Discussion i know its going to get worse yet i cant bring myself to do it

[citadelofme]

i know that my life is only going to get worse, i have basically insured i will never be able to get a stable job or ever be able to afford to live happily. the world is shitty and im a deeply unlikable person haha. ive been thinking of killing myself since i was 9 but i've always been terrified of what happens after death. what if my soul is still conscious? and im just unable to do anything? what if im able to think, and feel and everything but never able to do anything? is that worse than my painful existence? i hate that nobody knows what happens after death. everytime i think of killing myself i wonder which is worse, this disgusting , terrible life or possibly being paralysed in my soul, unable to do anything for the rest of eternity. i wish i could just numb everything and never feel anything again, i wish the world was a better place, i wish i knew what happened after death.

 

[ChaosArashi]

I understand how you feel. The fear of the unknown is huge. I feel the same way much of the time, although at my age, I think I am getting to the point that I am not really as afraid because I am just so damn defeated and tired. I think many of us just want the suffering to END. I know myself, fear is my biggest enemy to doing anything. I stayed in an abusive home for 19 years out of fear, stayed in an abusive marriage for 23 more out of fear. Now I'm in my own home, empty nest, kids grown & out of the house, and my crippling financial situation has me in constant fear. I can't pay to get my car from repair shop today, its in repossession already, my mortgage is behind, my credit is shit, I can't afford to heat my home this winter. I have a full time state job, and gross is 40k. but in reality I bring home 1150 twice a month. My basic living utilities and mortgage payment are more than I make. I'm drowning. But I'm afraid to do something drastic. So you are not alone in this, I assure you.

 

[restingplace]

i know that my life is only going to get worse, i have basically insured i will never be able to get a stable job or ever be able to afford to live happily. the world is shitty and im a deeply unlikable person haha. ive been thinking of killing myself since i was 9 but i've always been terrified of what happens after death. what if my soul is still conscious? and im just unable to do anything? what if im able to think, and feel and everything but never able to do anything? is that worse than my painful existence? i hate that nobody knows what happens after death. everytime i think of killing myself i wonder which is worse, this disgusting , terrible life or possibly being paralysed in my soul, unable to do anything for the rest of eternity. i wish i could just numb everything and never feel anything again, i wish the world was a better place, i wish i knew what happened after death.

I get this, death itself never scared me but not knowing what comes after is always the scariest part, it shouldn't be because why are we to worry about not being here anymore but it's human instinct to fear things like that