I know i would be sobbing rn if i wasnt on medication

[mosai1que]

I feel really numb, but i also know what i 'would be feeling' if I wasn't on meds. I dont know which one i would prefer

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I often feel very similar. I think I'd rather feel the pain of being unmedicated, just to feel more alive. Although if I wasn't medicated, I don't know if I would be consumed by impulse and severely hurt myself or worse. I think I need more medication though... I'm only on an antidepressant currently and I refuse to take seroquel.

 

[mosai1que]

I often feel very similar. I think I'd rather feel the pain of being unmedicated, just to feel more alive. Although if I wasn't medicated, I don't know if I would be consumed by impulse and severely hurt myself or worse. I think I need more medication though... I'm only on an antidepressant currently and I refuse to take seroquel.

Excactly:/ it sucks. Im on 50mg prozac and it makes me extremely tired and groggy, but i cant say that to my doctor and risk getting put on an antidepressant that will make me gain weight. i really couldnt do that right now. I dont know much about seroquel but i hope it works out <3 you deserve that

 

[Twistedliesinside]

At least 50mg Prozac isn't too high a dose. I was on 150mg Prozac before I had to switch, it wasn't enough to hold back the negative thoughts or the self-harm. I'm currently on 100mg of Desvenlafaxine, an SNRI(Serotonin Noradrenaline Reuptake Inhibitor). Unlike most antidepressants this one is more likely to help you lose weight, although that's not a reason you should or shouldn't take a medication. I have major depressive disorder and almost certainly a few undiagnosed conditions. I could no longer make myself do basic tasks or even get out of bed. When I started taking desvenlafaxine it felt like taking cocaine, it affects the serotonin and adrenaline in the brain. It helped more than any other antidepressant and I've been on almost all of them for the past 12 years. However, like most of them, the effects aren't what they used to be. I tried to taper off, following doctors orders, and start Wellbutrin that affects the dopamine receptors, but as I was tapering off, I had to stop and keep taking my usual 100mg of desvenlafaxine. I feel trapped on it now, it's not fixing my problems, just preventing the ones it'll cause if I go off it. I think if I try to go off my medication I might lose self-control and feel drastically more suicidal. Seroquel is just a powerful anti-psychotic by the way, but even if I should be taking anti-psychotics I don't want to, they numb the mind and reality much more than antidepressants in my opinion.

I think that when we don't know what to feel about our medications, it's best to think logically, not emotionally. I hope you have a doctor you trust, I know I haven't always. If you can't find an alternative to Prozac, there may be ways to treat the negative side effects you're describing. Prozac was the best SSRI I've taken, with the least undesirable side effects for me, but everyone is different. Other SSRI antidepressants dulled reality and numbed emotion for me to a much greater extent. I have to accept being medicated for the rest of my life, probably continuing to switch as they all stop working. If you think you can get through life without antidepressants, you might avoid being trapped on them forever like I am. If you need to be medicated forever though, don't feel any shame in it, do what's necessary to ease the pain. I've gone through too much unnecessary pain just stubbornly rejecting the idea that I needed medication forever. I tried to be more independent than I could be and that was a mistake. Use all the support you can to help yourself, whether that's medications, people or activities. Life is too short to not live in the moment, for too long I thought I had to suffer in the present to have a future.

 

[M0nolith]

that's the thing about taking antidepressants. I'm on them and i feel completely empty almost all the time. I'm unable to cry anymore and sometimes i wish i could just release my emotions sometimes. I sleep most of the day because the pills make me so fatigued. i'll be in my room at night lowkey losing it because i'll realize that feeling nothing means you feel too much.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

that's the thing about taking antidepressants. I'm on them and i feel completely empty almost all the time. I'm unable to cry anymore and sometimes i wish i could just release my emotions sometimes. I sleep most of the day because the pills make me so fatigued. i'll be in my room at night lowkey losing it because i'll realize that feeling nothing means you feel too much.

I can't cry either, for such a long time. It's torture to realise what you're feeling or should be feeling, but you're unable to express any of it. I even have the opposite reactions to things, for example if I almost die just avoiding a potentially fatal car accident, I'll laugh maniacally. Things like that actually fill me with so much happiness, because I feel alive again for just a moment.

 

[mosai1que]

At least 50mg Prozac isn't too high a dose. I was on 150mg Prozac before I had to switch, it wasn't enough to hold back the negative thoughts or the self-harm. I'm currently on 100mg of Desvenlafaxine, an SNRI(Serotonin Noradrenaline Reuptake Inhibitor). Unlike most antidepressants this one is more likely to help you lose weight, although that's not a reason you should or shouldn't take a medication. I have major depressive disorder and almost certainly a few undiagnosed conditions. I could no longer make myself do basic tasks or even get out of bed. When I started taking desvenlafaxine it felt like taking cocaine, it affects the serotonin and adrenaline in the brain. It helped more than any other antidepressant and I've been on almost all of them for the past 12 years. However, like most of them, the effects aren't what they used to be. I tried to taper off, following doctors orders, and start Wellbutrin that affects the dopamine receptors, but as I was tapering off, I had to stop and keep taking my usual 100mg of desvenlafaxine. I feel trapped on it now, it's not fixing my problems, just preventing the ones it'll cause if I go off it. I think if I try to go off my medication I might lose self-control and feel drastically more suicidal. Seroquel is just a powerful anti-psychotic by the way, but even if I should be taking anti-psychotics I don't want to, they numb the mind and reality much more than antidepressants in my opinion.

I think that when we don't know what to feel about our medications, it's best to think logically, not emotionally. I hope you have a doctor you trust, I know I haven't always. If you can't find an alternative to Prozac, there may be ways to treat the negative side effects you're describing. Prozac was the best SSRI I've taken, with the least undesirable side effects for me, but everyone is different. Other SSRI antidepressants dulled reality and numbed emotion for me to a much greater extent. I have to accept being medicated for the rest of my life, probably continuing to switch as they all stop working. If you think you can get through life without antidepressants, you might avoid being trapped on them forever like I am. If you need to be medicated forever though, don't feel any shame in it, do what's necessary to ease the pain. I've gone through too much unnecessary pain just stubbornly rejecting the idea that I needed medication forever. I tried to be more independent than I could be and that was a mistake. Use all the support you can to help yourself, whether that's medications, people or activities. Life is too short to not live in the moment, for too long I thought I had to suffer in the present to have a future.

150 mg fluoxetine is a lot isnt it? Here they will only prescribe 60 mg max, and 80 to treat OCD or bulimia. and i literally had the same experience! my self harm has been the worst it ever was on prozac. probably because ive been seeming more stable from the outside so there has been more demands i had to meet(literally no idea just doing psychoanalysis on myself).
im glad desvenlavexine helped you, but it sucks it had to get to that point. I think i forget how unmedicated depression feels, and start to make myself believe that it was better back then, which i certainly was not.
if its ok to ask, how was wellbutrin? The side effects etc? Ive heard pretty mixed experiences with it, but im thinking of asking my doctor if that would be a good fit.

thank you! honestly it sounds like youve been through a lot and you deserve to not feel the pain of going unmedicated anymore, 'do whats necessary to ease the pain' sounds like a good lens to view it through. Depression fucking sucks, i wasted my teenage years on being sick. I finally really do want to recover but my stupid fucking brain is not cooperating. building a life with small glimpses is better than nothing. i really hope we are moving towards something better, even if it feels exhausting and painful

that's the thing about taking antidepressants. I'm on them and i feel completely empty almost all the time. I'm unable to cry anymore and sometimes i wish i could just release my emotions sometimes. I sleep most of the day because the pills make me so fatigued. i'll be in my room at night lowkey losing it because i'll realize that feeling nothing means you feel too much.

Thats really similar to my experience. Its so exhausting knowing that this is 'the best alternative' i have right now. i hate not being able to describe my feelings with more precision than not feeling good. Thats really one of the things i need therapy to fix for me

 

[Twistedliesinside]

150 mg fluoxetine is a lot isnt it? Here they will only prescribe 60 mg max, and 80 to treat OCD or bulimia. and i literally had the same experience! my self harm has been the worst it ever was on prozac. probably because ive been seeming more stable from the outside so there has been more demands i had to meet(literally no idea just doing psychoanalysis on myself).
im glad desvenlavexine helped you, but it sucks it had to get to that point. I think i forget how unmedicated depression feels, and start to make myself believe that it was better back then, which i certainly was not.
if its ok to ask, how was wellbutrin? The side effects etc? Ive heard pretty mixed experiences with it, but im thinking of asking my doctor if that would be a good fit.

thank you! honestly it sounds like youve been through a lot and you deserve to not feel the pain of going unmedicated anymore, 'do whats necessary to ease the pain' sounds like a good lens to view it through. Depression fucking sucks, i wasted my teenage years on being sick. I finally really do want to recover but my stupid fucking brain is not cooperating. building a life with small glimpses is better than nothing. i really hope we are moving towards something better, even if it feels exhausting and painful

Yeah 150mg is totally irresponsible on the medical professional's part. That numbing of emotions and altered reality you experience on Prozac may make it easier to follow through with self harm actually... just a thought, but try not to hold the standard for yourself too high just because you're "treated". Sorry I didn't make it onto the Wellbutrin, probably one of the last ones left I have to try, but my sister has had a very good response to it. If you have any family members with similar issues, it's proven that medications that work well for them are likely to work well for you also. Good luck with everything! Keep moving towards anything, even if you don't know what you're headed for or how long you can keep it up. You can find good moments in the worst of times in life. It is hard though, as soon as my mind realises I'm happy or I should be happy, I immediately become depressed, like my brain is fighting itself and is so accustomed to misery it'll correct anything else.

 

[mosai1que]

Yeah 150mg is totally irresponsible on the medical professional's part. That numbing of emotions and altered reality you experience on Prozac may make it easier to follow through with self harm actually... just a thought, but try not to hold the standard for yourself too high just because you're "treated". Sorry I didn't make it onto the Wellbutrin, probably one of the last ones left I have to try, but my sister has had a very good response to it. If you have any family members with similar issues, it's proven that medications that work well for them are likely to work well for you also. Good luck with everything! Keep moving towards anything, even if you don't know what you're headed for or how long you can keep it up. You can find good moments in the worst of times in life. It is hard though, as soon as my mind realises I'm happy or I should be happy, I immediately become depressed, like my brain is fighting itself and is so accustomed to misery it'll correct anything else.

True, it doesnt seem like it does anything dangerous in high doses but its weird you got so much. Its such a difficult thing to balance:/ like i want to be better right now and act like i was never ill, but i also know that thats not possible, and that im still probably ill. The world is overwhelming. I will just have to create a life for myself that makes it worth for me to stay ahah.
also good to hear wellbutrin helped your sister! i will definately keep it in mind next time im at my doctors. Honestly im so bad at putting my feelings on depression into words. Like its so irrational and it just makes me really sad that i dont have control over my own brain. There have been small things that have improved tho, and i hope there will be more if them

 

[Twistedliesinside]

True, it doesnt seem like it does anything dangerous in high doses but its weird you got so much. Its such a difficult thing to balance:/ like i want to be better right now and act like i was never ill, but i also know that thats not possible, and that im still probably ill. The world is overwhelming. I will just have to create a life for myself that makes it worth for me to stay ahah.
also good to hear wellbutrin helped your sister! i will definately keep it in mind next time im at my doctors. Honestly im so bad at putting my feelings on depression into words. Like its so irrational and it just makes me really sad that i dont have control over my own brain. There have been small things that have improved tho, and i hope there will be more if them

Not necessarily dangerous, but difficult to come down from with stability. I always wanted to be able to sweep my mental health under the rug, but it's not healthy to do. Your mental health is a part of you, but it isn't all you are. It's a massive weight and responsibility, the idea that you have to create a life for yourself that makes life worth living. I think it's good to simplify it and not be so hard on yourself. All you have to do is breath, eat, drink and sleep. It's hard to create some sort of meaning that will make your life valuable in a world with so many people. Just appreciate the little things and know that just getting through the day is enough. Your existence is what's valuable regardless of what you do with it. Have you thought about putting your feelings on depression into something other than words? Expression through any forms of art can make life feel okay, give you a sense of who you are and feel content and purpose in the moment. Nothing worth understanding is rational, especially not something as complex as the mind. Does anybody really have control over their brain? Find a way that works for you to at least tame your mind in some way. Find a form of true expression so you can see who you are and others can see you. Focus on the positive and don't punish yourself when things aren't working.

 

[unnormal9]

Is that what you like? Hyped on medication to point of feeling numb? Is that your idea of living?

 

[mosai1que]

Is that what you like? Hyped on medication to point of feeling numb? Is that your idea of living?

Um no my whole post is that i dont. I want to be cured and i want my brain to stop making me choose between feeling either depressed or numb

Not necessarily dangerous, but difficult to come down from with stability. I always wanted to be able to sweep my mental health under the rug, but it's not healthy to do. Your mental health is a part of you, but it isn't all you are. It's a massive weight and responsibility, the idea that you have to create a life for yourself that makes life worth living. I think it's good to simplify it and not be so hard on yourself. All you have to do is breath, eat, drink and sleep. It's hard to create some sort of meaning that will make your life valuable in a world with so many people. Just appreciate the little things and know that just getting through the day is enough. Your existence is what's valuable regardless of what you do with it. Have you thought about putting your feelings on depression into something other than words? Expression through any forms of art can make life feel okay, give you a sense of who you are and feel content and purpose in the moment. Nothing worth understanding is rational, especially not something as complex as the mind. Does anybody really have control over their brain? Find a way that works for you to at least tame your mind in some way. Find a form of true expression so you can see who you are and others can see you. Focus on the positive and don't punish yourself when things aren't working.

tbh i think ive underestimated the little things in the past. Like being well enough to cook a meal for myself or clean or go for a walk. Its really nice. i think the problem is that im finally well enough that i really want to live life, but i cant, because then i overwork myself and i have to go through another bout of depression.
I know its a lot to put on myself to make my own life worth it, but like? Isnt that the only option? I want friends and i want to not be stressed and have energy to put into my hobbies. And i want money to live comfortably haha. i do think i should adjust my life to the ammount of energy i have, and maybe rest while im recovering from this, but like Im just so tired of being so careful with myself to just be a semi-functional human.

 

[Twistedliesinside]

I know its a lot to put on myself to make my own life worth it, but like? Isnt that the only option?

Yes, it's the only option. But like you said, don't overwork yourself to the point of more depression. Life is balance. Don't overthink too far into the future. I struggle with all of this too.

Edit: I should say that life is different for all, but it seems like you and I believe that we need to put in as much effort as possible to make life as good as it can be. The rest is learning to be content with what is.