Discussion I know I have people who love me, but it feels like it must happen, anyone else?

[lifeistryingme2020]

After various and many attempts, I have this lingering doom that my CTB must happen, one way or another, I have to die and soon. It's a lingering in my heart and stomach. I know my time is counted. I know I have people who care, even the slightest but I feel like its destiny, awful but its inevitable?
I've never been afraid, it's just a waiting game now.
I'm sure others could relate here, how do you feel?

 

[lion2000]

Sorry if this is a silly question, but why is it something that must happen? Or maybe a better question is how long has it been something that must happen? I've been there too, but then something takes me out of it and in hindsight, it's wild to think of how I felt so committed to the process during a period of time and then it was like a 180 where I was grateful I didn't do it and didn't miss out on some of the finer things in life that I enjoy. The highs and lows actually have given me a unique appreciation for the life I have.

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

Sorry if this is a silly question, but why is it something that must happen? Or maybe a better question is how long has it been something that must happen? I've been there too, but then something takes me out of it and in hindsight, it's wild to think of how I felt so committed to the process during a period of time and then it was like a 180 where I was grateful I didn't do it and didn't miss out on some of the finer things in life that I enjoy. The highs and lows actually have given me a unique appreciation for the life I have.

It's hard to explain but it's almost a dreading feeling that I have, even when I enjoy my life and moments it always sits in the back of my mind, I used to cry at night because I would just feel like my time was numbered. I knew I had to die soon(?). Anxiety maybe? But I wasn't afraid of dying, but just upset that I knew it would happen sooner or later, whether myself or an accident.
I wish I could feel appreciation after but it just feels like another failure. Whenever I've failed I feel motivation to try harder in disgust that I've failed at the one thing that I want. I'm also quite physically I'll after so that doesn't help lol. I have many highs and lows with my mental illness (bd) but it never ends and I guess I'm content with that. I've had on and off suicide attempts from this feeling since about 15. Sometimes it seems to end but only temporarily, for a few months or so. I discussed it with my previous theripast and they said its common in trauma abuse " survivors " because it's just a response to stress, have it end because it's the " easiest " option to make the emotions/stress end but I don't feel that way. It's a constant reminder that my life is minimal.

Sorry for being a negative nancy. It's just hard to explain it properly I guess.

 

[Kat!]

I feel that too.

I love someone, I have a supportive father, I have a pet ferret which I love dearly, but something's terribly wrong. I don't know why I'm willing to give it all up forever but I am.
It's inexplicable. You're not alone. :(

 

[Moon Flower]

I understand what you mean.
My s/o loves me more than anything in the world and it shows every single day. He's going to be absolutely devastated if (when?) I do this. I know I'm irreparably damaged though. I want out so badly and I'm not sure how long I can hold it off

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

@doesheevencare
@lunarpoppies420
it's so hard out here.
lots of love and hugs for you two.

 

[Soul]

Love is a fine thing as far as it goes, but it doesn't cure illness (including mental illness) or solve financial disasters or keep me out of prison if I've done something awful. Love doesn't serve as a map when I'm lost in the woods or stop an assault or bring my relatives back to life.

I feel destined to commit suicide (doomed sounds so negative!) and that has nothing to do with my love for others or theirs for me.

 

[Misfit72]

Telling people without hope there are people that love them is like telling those without water they can eat sand.

 

[woxihuanni]

If anybody has lovin' people they don't need can they forward to me? Good sex slave, chef, cleaner, completely quiet unless asked for intellectual services as well. Thank you.

 

[Lordsudbury]

After various and many attempts, I have this lingering doom that my CTB must happen, one way or another, I have to die and soon. It's a lingering in my heart and stomach. I know my time is counted. I know I have people who care, even the slightest but I feel like its destiny, awful but its inevitable?
I've never been afraid, it's just a waiting game now.
I'm sure others could relate here, how do you feel?

I'm 100% with you here. It's like even if I don't feel totally awful, and I do have a bit of support and love (albeit remotely) I still feel like I owe it to myself to CTB after months and months of depression and regret and consideration. Like you've been telling yourself in your head so long that you'd feel like a failure to not do it.

Even if I have a good day I still go home and write about how awful I am in my journal and my inner monologue tells me to do it.

Destiny is a good way to put it, almost like you expect it to happen, it's going to happen eventually some time, so why not now rather than then?

Great topic

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I am too depressed to live regardless of what people think of me

If anybody has lovin' people they don't need can they forward to me? Good sex slave, chef, cleaner, completely quiet unless asked for intellectual services as well. Thank you.

sounds like a solid deal but I have no loving people to donate sadly

 

[lion2000]

It's hard to explain but it's almost a dreading feeling that I have, even when I enjoy my life and moments it always sits in the back of my mind, I used to cry at night because I would just feel like my time was numbered. I knew I had to die soon(?). Anxiety maybe? But I wasn't afraid of dying, but just upset that I knew it would happen sooner or later, whether myself or an accident.
I wish I could feel appreciation after but it just feels like another failure. Whenever I've failed I feel motivation to try harder in disgust that I've failed at the one thing that I want. I'm also quite physically I'll after so that doesn't help lol. I have many highs and lows with my mental illness (bd) but it never ends and I guess I'm content with that. I've had on and off suicide attempts from this feeling since about 15. Sometimes it seems to end but only temporarily, for a few months or so. I discussed it with my previous theripast and they said its common in trauma abuse " survivors " because it's just a response to stress, have it end because it's the " easiest " option to make the emotions/stress end but I don't feel that way. It's a constant reminder that my life is minimal.

Sorry for being a negative nancy. It's just hard to explain it properly I guess.

your response makes a lot of sense. I'm so sorry you are suffering. Sending nothing but love and hugs. I've had debilitating anxiety (and depression) at different points in my life, it comes and goes. Meds have helped and therapy for sure, but sometimes I need to escape and shut down...usually I just go outside and need to be alone in nature. It's the worst feeling...definitely not completely the same but maybe related. I hopethings get better for you, hate seeing good people and strong survivors suffer. Xo

 

[dropdeadfred]

... I don't know why I'm willing to give it all up forever but I am.

Reading this sentence felt like a knife to the heart. I know exactly how this feels. The only way I could ever try to rationalize it is just that the feelings, the immense "love" I have toward certain people & animals, is ultimately not enough for whatever reason (minus my debilitating chronic fatigue)... & that makes no sense to me. Maybe inability to cope? It feels super heavy- I know that much.
The OP is totally relatable too.