I know i can recover but at the same time for some reason i force myself not to be happy

[peace please]

Yesterday I felt really good, I forgot all my problems, I managed to enjoy a good time with my family. But as soon as I got home it all came back again, but worse. I just freaked out and started saying goodbye to my friends. Today I woke up and noticed the shit I did, I worried them all for nothing, and I don't know what you do now.

 

[Waterr]

I do the same, and have done for a while. I feel like itd be easy to recover if i talk to people or open up but i just dont. I dont know why i dont, i just have never liked help in any means. Also saying goodbye to your friends, theyll understand, make sure to message them back or youll worry them more

 

[mothercoin]

I understand this feeling. I want to get better but I sabotage myself at the same time. I will make new friendships and then eventually start isolating myself again because I am ashamed of myself and feel suicidal again. People usually just tell you to go to the hospital but they don't do anything except drug you. Making an attempt to heal is common but keeping at it and not giving up seems like the hard part for me.

 

[Johnks]

I completely understand what you're going through. I also feel like I could get better. But man, I've fought against years of suffering, and it's as if that pain has become a part of who I am. Even when I start to feel better at times, freeing myself from this pain seems impossible; it's like it's etched deeply into my soul. The idea of moving forward, maybe having a family, chasing happiness - all of this comes with the heavy uncertainty that at any moment I might lose control and just end it all...

 

[pinkribbonscars]

I relate so hard to this.

I know I could recover from my depression and low self esteem and learn to cope with stress but my feelings of worthlessness fuel self destructive behavior that sabotages any recovery goals. It's a vicious cycle I am tired of fighting.

Also reach out to your friends. I pissed one off because I forgot to delete a time release email and worried them sick yet I'm still here… god damn I really hate myself

 

[bunsïy]

I relate so much to everyone here. It's easy to distract myself from everything but the moment it's quiet again I feel like i'm drowning.

I also kinda feel comfort in my depression as it's all i've really ever known, and for me i'd rather feel this than nothing at all. The empty/hollow feeling is the worst.

Plus it's so much harder to recover and stay in recovery. Maybe i'm too much of a pessimist, even my past therapists/social workers gave up on me since i wasn't making any progress. It's really hard to retrain the way our brains work, especially when it's been our "normal" for so long.