Venting I keep trying to psych myself into jumping

[LoneMisery]

I live close by to fast moving trains. I cant get a g nor do i have the funds or access to the sn or n you all talk about. Everyday i try to tell myself to start walking towards the metra and jump. I try to think about how you get that bad taste in your mouth and nose when you hit your head really hard (if anybodys ever had slammed their head off ice or concrete you know what im talking about) that thats the worst that ill feel. But i dont want to fail. I would really hate to wake up in the hospital with severe damage to my brain and body. But these trains move fast enough its all about not failing the jump or going half way to where only parts of my body hit it.
Problem also is the police are frequent over those tracks and if someones standing there im for sure going to the hospital for different reasons.
But every day it gets nicer the walk there seems less unpleasant. I have a notebook full of self hate but i need to also write a letter
I havent seen or talked to my only brother in months and its making me feel guilty too but i also try to convince him why im a pos when i do see him so idk what to do.
Im so stuck between guilt and self hate i dont want to start drinking heavily again cuz i am getting the best sleep i ever gotten since i quit marijuana and slowed my drinking down but last night proved i cant drink without bursting out into a self hatred rage. Im happy and talkative and then like a switch its as if the world goes dark and all i can think about is self hatred. I also think about it sober but i keep it more to myself which also just hurts my heart.
Idk what else to do because i hate being alone yet nobody wants to be around me unless im wearing a happy veil

 

[Treeline589]

I feel the same way, nobody wants anything to do with me unless I am happy.

I'm also thinking of jumping in front of a train. I would have to travel somewhere because the ones here don't seem fast enough but hopefully soon I can accomplish this.

 

[cececo]

It's funny I feel like I can relate to the people on here so I think it would be nice to be around them, especially when we're not happy since it's the same for all of us in some ways. But that doesn't stop my crippling social anxiety from keeping me from talking to anyone further than replying to posts, and the state I'm in I shouldn't make anyone have to deal with me. I'd try to reach out to your brother if it's on your mind so much unless you truly believe it's better not to. But if you have any doubts, better to deal with them so they don't come up later. I feel you on not wanting to fail, I have so often that it can stop me now from trying. I'm wishing you the best whatever route you decide to go.

 

[FuneralCry]

I could never bring myself to ctb by train, to me it sounds like an awful way to go and I would be terrified of failing. In general, fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb. We all deserve the option of a peaceful way to exit this world, none of us should have to resort to methods like this that can fail. It is a horrible world we live in. I'm sorry you are suffering so much and have to deal with all that self hatred. I can imagine it must be dreadful. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Dödsorsaken]

I jumped once down to a tunnel were the train goes.. about 15 meters.. sprinted out and it went fast all got black. Then I woke up in extreme pains and broken bones.. be careful.. if you do it and survive you might get the help and feel good enough to live..and then have to live physically problems.. like pains.. not being able to do sporty stuff.. or worse.

 

[LoneMisery]

Im trying to get a better job but the self hatred is so high and real. Anytime i try to talk about it to anybody they just roll their eyes. Every day i feel more and more alone. I dont want to fail but i dont want to keep on living like this. It hurts so much to feel alone in a world with almost 8 billion people in it. I feel absolutely alone

 

[Treeline589]

Sorry you feel so alone. I can relate as I feel alone too. Fear of failure is the one thing that is keeping me from finding a train tonight.

 

[Looooser]

I can understand about not wanting to fail. I deal with that a lot! One thing I noticed in your message was that you have a notebook and the weather and walks were getting better. Just a suggestion but how about writing in your notebook something that pleases you in your walk. You could just start with one thing a day and go from there. Maybe on week two you can try to find 2 things a day. Whether it's a flower you see or a cloud that reminds you of something. The thought is to try to find a positive and give your brain a rest from the negative. Just a thought I had.
I've actually thought about putting my head between the wheels of a slow moving train decapitation would be a fast way to go I think.

 

[LoneMisery]

I know if i jump its gonna be in the middle and the initial impact will knock me out. Im almost certain ill end up under the train. No way ill have an open casket. Also my intention.
The nice weather is just for the pleasant walk to the train which is a few miles. I dont have a vehicle.
Im such a negative person any time anything positive happens my mind is just so depressed and negative im always a half empty type of person.
No relationship no amount of friends or love from family makes me want to turn it around. Its also another reason i hate myself so much. I have people who love and care about me and i cant resist the urge to just push everyone away