Help I keep setting a date for my ctb and moving it. What could I do to finally overcome my fear and drink SN?

[Boudika]

Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.

 

[marsupialmarsupial]

have you purchased the SN yet? where did you buy it from?

 

[skaro]

Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.

If you keep finding reasons to live, don't take it as a bad thing, let it keep going and see where it ends up. Think about this: are you sure you actually want to ctb at this current point in time, or is it just that you've been thinking about it and planning it so meticulously that you'd feel disappointed if you didn't? It's just something I've thought about personally and I thought I would share.

 

[ApathyToLife]

You're not alone, I'm going through the same shit, max I've been committed to it was 2 days of fasting and then some random shit happens and I postpone it. First it was just me deciding to postpone it because I didn't have a decent last meal, then it was my mom with her back problems. Guess there isn't going to be anything left to do other than CTB when my credit card money runs out though

I wish us luck.

 

[Boudika]

have you purchased the SN yet? where did you buy it from?

Yes, i have sn and I'm sorry but I won't tell you where i bought it

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that only the individual knows when the time is right for them to leave, it's just a feeling they have. I imagine that many who managed to ctb had access to a reliable method and they just got so determined to be free but anyway I get that it's dreadful feeling so trapped here, I wish you the best.

 

[flp_]

I guess this is a weird survival instinte.
I been thinking the same, i have on edge so many times, planing all, even the suicide notes in programed emails.
But the guts to actually do it, never came even when it was just a step on the line.
Feeling the train pass calm me, and made rethink that was not yet the time...

Even the SN, tasting it, etc made me think that i can not do it at home, but the botle is there to use. FFS

 

[marsupialmarsupial]

I guess this is a weird survival instinte.
I been thinking the same, i have on edge so many times, planing all, even the suicide notes in programed emails.
But the guts to actually do it, never came even when it was just a step on the line.
Feeling the train pass calm me, and made rethink that was not yet the time...

Even the SN, tasting it, etc made me think that i can not do it at home, but the botle is there to use. FFS

where did you buy SN? i just want to make sure i don't get scammed & can send it to a residential address.

 

[voyager]

Apart from early 2020, closest I came was twenty years ago, shied away due to not feeling ready. Haven't killed myself yet, therefore honestly can't tell you for sure, but I'd say don't put yourself under so much pressure and try to find acceptance instead. Forget the dates. Beating oneself up with failure time and time again is probably not productive, silly example maybe, just like quitting smoking over and over again won't bring results just familiarity with not pulling through, instead try to focus and make that one moment pure and count.

PS: And if you have numbness/anhedonia it'll all sort itself out eventually anyway, am almost sure of it.

 

[bungalow13]

Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.

We all have this. Our survival instincts, iou have to stay in a bad way to ctb.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Right now am also not ready but I know in the future I will be. Earlier this year when I signed up, if you gave me a cup of SN I would have gulped it fast. You just need to wait for your time.

 

[tiredone]

SI kicking and biting back.
Hardest thing to overcome.
My plan was messed up by someone else change of plans.
I am personally on edge waiting for a final push, that will break my will to live and put the SI down, so i can actually go through with it.
Argument about living for others is dead for a while now. Even my kids are no longer the reason that can stop me. They used to be, but now my mind is so broken, that it discards them as my anchor keeping me alive.
Its horrible, i know. I cant help it. I dont want to feel like that.
But mental health does not let you choose.

 

[Daughter of Sorrow]

Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.

You're not a coward. I promise you, that is not cowardice. I used to say the same thing. Someone died and I blamed myself for a long, long time. I still do, some. I thought that I should kill myself, that I didn't deserve to live, that I deserved to go to Hell and be punished for eternity. It was only my cowardice that kept me from the just fate I deserved. But one thing that I eventually realized is what I didn't deserve: No matter how much shit life was piling on me, I didn't deserve to have me piling more shit on myself. I didn't deserve to have me blaming me, too.

You have a kind heart, caring for your family. That's not cowardice. On the contrary. You're living in suffering, despair, but continuing on for the sake of others. That is not cowardice.

You see, CTB is not bravery or cowardice. It doesn't fall on that spectrum. Like zeitgeist isn't a color. So if something keeps stopping you, instead of beating yourself up... maybe it just means you're not as sure as you think you are. And this is a decision you can't change, once you make it. So you owe it to yourself to take all the time you need to be sure. CTBing is the last resort, because it's the final resort.

As I worked through my problems, there wasn't a day that I didn't think about suicide. It was always there as an option, a ripcord I could pull if things got too much. The Alt-F4 of life. Somehow, knowing that I could always CTB if things got too much to bear got me through the things that I needed to.

 

[flp_]

where did you buy SN? i just want to make sure i don't get scammed & can send it to a residential address.

i dont know you, i will not say. it was not hard to find

 

[Cress]

Actually, what the question says. There's still something holding me back. It's mom's birthday will be soon, then I'm arranged to go out with someone and I don't want to let him down. I had a ctb on Monday and what? I decided that I don't want to spoil Halloween for my little sister, because I know she really likes this holiday. How do I stop making excuses and finally do it? I don't want to live anymore, I just can't ctb. I'm fucking coward.

If it makes you feel any better you're further along in your preparations than I am. Not only do I not have an SN source But I also struggle to read over all the documentation freely available to everyone on the site. I wish I had more motivation to start the preparation process As I feel like the whole thing is going to take a while.

I've been suicidal hundreds of times in my life yet I've only ever taken action that I expected to kill me exactly three times it's an extremely difficult state of mind to reach. I'm also conflicted because I have quite a few things I need to take care of And I expect to be around at least for a little while longer. I'm sorry I can't offer any concrete advice just know that I empathize with your train of thought and similar struggles.

I'm sorry we haven't talked more and thank you for contributing to this forum and all the ways that you do

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Ik that this may not really help with your decision but when you are really ready you will be able to overcome SI. When the pain of suffering in life is bigger than the (short) pain of dying and entering the unknown.

 

[flp_]

Ik that this may not really help with your decision but when you are really ready you will be able to overcome SI. When the pain of suffering in life is bigger than the (short) pain of dying and entering the unknown.

From experience, the moment, the mind, the focus on doing it changes.

I was pretty sure sometimes, but all i thinked was the stuff i did not finished.

Thats all i can say, maybe some time its just enough the focus is doing it and that is it.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I was pretty sure sometimes, but all i thinked was the stuff i did not finished.

Imo it depends what kinda stuff that is. Are they goals in life you still want to reach or are they just chores or sth that really doesn't matter? Ik sometimes I have similar thoughts but actually no solution. It's probably some kind of SI.

 

[flp_]

Imo it depends what kinda stuff that is. Are they goals in life you still want to reach or are they just chores or sth that really doesn't matter? Ik sometimes I have similar thoughts but actually no solution. It's probably some kind of SI.

for me was making sure i didnt leave this world and the ones that stick arround had to solve things

its a long process to sabotage everyting to make sure i have nothing good to live for

over a year a go i stopped caring about getting new things, only the basics food to survive

even friends and that, i realised that nobody cares if u missing . people say things but after nobodys even text you to know if u alive and well

i guess this why im on here, dont know if is to just feel connection to people even just to say goodbye to anyone that feels the same

 

[LaVieEnRose]

We had a confirmed case last month.

I'm going to tell myself that if she could do it then so can I.

 

[King Ashoka]

I am making my life even more hell everday by choice. So that soon i will have no other choice but to hang myself.

Make your own life more hell so that there is no other choice but to die.

This is my method of overcome survival instinct.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

We had a confirmed case last month.

I'm going to tell myself that if she could do it then so can I.

I think it's Toofargone you are referring to, correct me if im wrong. Man, her loss was a hard hit, not to say the others aren't. I tell myself the same thing actually, also that people have ctb with just sn, not with benzos or the meds I have.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think it's Toofargone you are referring to, correct me if im wrong. Man, her loss was a hard hit, not to say the others aren't. I tell myself the same thing actually, also that people have ctb with just sn, not with benzos or the meds I have.

Yes. I'm sure her brother popping up kind of made things feel more painful. Of course it's not just her "example" but rather all the people who ever have CTB'd or who have been forced to accept death against their will.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Yes. I'm sure her brother popping up kind of made things feel more painful. Of course it's not just her "example" but rather all the people who ever have CTB'd or who have been forced to accept death against their will.

Agreed.