Venting I keep making excuses

[hopelesscallgirl]

I don't know why I keep making excuses to not ctb. I keep telling myself how I can have this amazing bright future with safety and security. I feel like I'm imagining some sort of fairy tale that doesn't exist. I really wanted to help people and make this world a better place, however most of the time there's not much I can do. This world is honestly a very horrible place and my life is crazy. In the past I've been kicked out, I was once technically homeless and living out of airbnbs. Ive been kidnapped before and I've been sexually assaulted multiple times. It keeps happening to me and I don't think I'll ever have safety and security in my life, everything is always crazy and I'm always in some sort of crisis. I'm so tired of fighting, every day is a new battle that I don't want to fight. I'm getting closer and closer to ctb every day and at this point I feel it is inevitable. I've been through so much truama and had multiple attempts. sometimes I've decided against it and other times I was saved by either my friends or my bf. I just want to be at peace where nothing or no one can hurt me.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I can imagine that it must have been awful to have had to experience all that. This world certainly is a horrible place, this life is so unfair and cruel. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I am so sorry to hear that. You have definitely been through a lot of trauma and you didn't deserve any of it. If you ever need to talk you can send me pm. I hope you feel better.

 

[Sherri]

Yes you are right about that, the world is a crazy and a awful place but you feel divided. Maybe you should think through ctb for a little bit longer. Who know something good will come out of it. Wishing you good luck. Hugs

 

[Interloper]

I feel you.

Hope is a cruel thing. The smallest sliver is enough to convince my brain to keep going, all whilst everything around me is slowly crumbling. My brain doesn't care about that though, only mirages to prevent me from ending its pathetic existence.

 

[Red Scare]

I have absolutely no hope, no future. But I still find it hard to actually continue with going through with even though I know logically that it is the best thing for me. I just know that once I do, that's it. Forever. I don't know why this even bothers me, as I know that nothing will bother me once I am in that state but somehow getting there still feels like a hurdle. I guess that is just millions of years worth of biological evolution at work. We are programmed to survive, not to die. But we are also programmed with an aversion to pain and misery, so I think when it becomes obvious to my being even on an internal level that there is nothing left to experience but misery and suffering that I'll actually be able to got through with it. I just hope things don't have to get that bad first.

 

[hopelesscallgirl]

I feel you.

Hope is a cruel thing. The smallest sliver is enough to convince my brain to keep going, all whilst everything around me is slowly crumbling. My brain doesn't care about that though, only mirages to prevent me from ending its pathetic existence.

Hope can be so manipulating, it always tells you that things will look up. It tells you that you'll have the future you've always dreamed of, but in reality the smallest thing can always cause something you've worked so hard for to come crashing down.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

I don't know why I keep making excuses to not ctb. I keep telling myself how I can have this amazing bright future with safety and security. I feel like I'm imagining some sort of fairy tale that doesn't exist. I really wanted to help people and make this world a better place, however most of the time there's not much I can do. This world is honestly a very horrible place and my life is crazy. In the past I've been kicked out, I was once technically homeless and living out of airbnbs. Ive been kidnapped before and I've been sexually assaulted multiple times. It keeps happening to me and I don't think I'll ever have safety and security in my life, everything is always crazy and I'm always in some sort of crisis. I'm so tired of fighting, every day is a new battle that I don't want to fight. I'm getting closer and closer to ctb every day and at this point I feel it is inevitable. I've been through so much truama and had multiple attempts. sometimes I've decided against it and other times I was saved by either my friends or my bf. I just want to be at peace where nothing or no one can hurt me.

Sorry to hear you've endured so much suffering in your life. Of course you have the right to CTB if you feel there's no other way out, but someone on this forum the other month told me that one should leave no stone unturned before making an irreversible decision such as ending one's life. So I hope you don't mind me asking, what sort of therapy you've tried to work through the trauma you've been through? Heaven knows I've tried everything and for whatever reason my brain is just broken, but yours might not be so I'd be remiss if I didn't at least ask you this question.

 

[Seafoam]

I have this dilemma too, unfortunately. But I'm tired of waiting on imaginary fix it scenarios. Only got so much fuel in the tank. Wish you the best!

 

[hopelesscallgirl]

Sorry to hear you've endured so much suffering in your life. Of course you have the right to CTB if you feel there's no other way out, but someone on this forum the other month told me that one should leave no stone unturned before making an irreversible decision such as ending one's life. So I hope you don't mind me asking, what sort of therapy you've tried to work through the trauma you've been through? Heaven knows I've tried everything and for whatever reason my brain is just broken, but yours might not be so I'd be remiss if I didn't at least ask you this question.

I have seen countless psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. They always do what they can, but nothing seems to be working. I suppose I also have a hard time trusting them as the one time I decided to be completely honest with a therapist. I got sent to a psychiatric hospital that didn't do much for me except traumatize me more, I don't know how they think taking all your stuff away and locking you in a room is supposed to help. Many things I seen in there broke my heart. In the future I would love to find one that I can trust, someone who supports me whether I ctb or stay. Fortunately the support on here is amazing and I thank you and everyone for all the support.

 

[KimKevorkian]

You touch me with your story and your sentiments of simply wanting safety, security, and to make the world, at least on a micro-level an inkling better. The world needs more like you and needs to start looking out for people who suffer such constant unjust sadism. We're here for you though. Why do I picture us all on the bus from The Partridge Family? That themesong's going 'round and 'round my Spam-like brain. Anyway, take it a half-day at a time maybe. That's all I can do. Oh god, when you say you also dream sometimes of having an amazing future..it just breaks my heart. I know what you mean so much. Life--correction--our fellow upright hominids--are, imo, for the most part, a creature that should never have come about. We are truly one horrid species. But, hey, we invented the Disney Channel, so there's that. Never mind Disney loved Hitler.

 

[bigbeatmanifesto]

I have seen countless psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. They always do what they can, but nothing seems to be working. I suppose I also have a hard time trusting them as the one time I decided to be completely honest with a therapist. I got sent to a psychiatric hospital that didn't do much for me except traumatize me more, I don't know how they think taking all your stuff away and locking you in a room is supposed to help. Many things I seen in there broke my heart. In the future I would love to find one that I can trust, someone who supports me whether I ctb or stay. Fortunately the support on here is amazing and I thank you and everyone for all the support.

I know that feeling of seeing countless therapists and not being able to work through any of your stuff. Is it just talk therapy you've tried? It's just there's a lot of non-talk based therapies such as Havening, BWRT and EMDR that have worked literal miracles on people who've experienced countless traumas such as yourself. You may have already tried all these things and be as broken as I am but I just figured it would be worth mentioning as they do work for a lot of people.