I keep fucking up my relationship.

[greyblue_bian]

My boyfriend and I have been going through it for a little while because I keep getting personally offended over the same thing. The "thing" is that he seems distant and doesn't talk to me much. He does work a lot and that's not what bothers me. What bothers me is the fact that he tells me he will talk to me and he even takes days off of work to make time to talk to me, and then he doesn't even do that. And if he does, we don't talk for long or call or do things together like we say we will. He always tells me that it's not that he doesn't want to talk, it's that he doesn't have the energy or time to. I tried to end things maybe once or twice, but I always concluded that this could be resolved if we endure. My biggest hesitation is that he's also really depressed and has schizophrenia and I've heard that being distant is something that will probably happen in a relationship with schizophrenia. I'm sure I have only been stressing him out by getting mad repeatedly for the same thing when he is trying, but I'm also getting incredibly exhausted. However, I do love him and I'm willing and able to endure unless he decides to end things.

Do any of you have any helpful input or advice you can give me on how to possibly help us get through this? I'm just tired of us apologizing after fighting and then me getting mad again, and then him saying it's his fault and me apologizing because it's my fault.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your situation, it's unfair to have to suffer like this during a relationship when you should be happy.

All I can say is that I can relate to both sides of the relationship here and I think that the choices you have are therapy & medication, extreme willpower, or group/relationship therapy & counselling.

I'd hesitate with the third option personally because I have (c/) ptsd which means I am very mistrustful of others and I would worry a third party would favour one side or misintepret things especially if one side has trouble communicating. It sounds as if you're able to get through this by enduring, and that both of you can endure this, otherwise you would not have got back together. It does mean that both of you need to work on this. It sounds to me like he is working on it from his side of things.

I don't think either of you can help feeling anything wrong and that mental illness is the culprit for both of you, and its giving you each separate conditions that are difficult for the other person to fulfill. Once either side of you recovers, it sounds as if your combined endurance will win through because the condition the other requires can be fulfilled. Whether that's because you spend more time together because he regain social energy, or that you find you can come to live with less time together. In the latter, I think you could try to raise with him that you don't want him to make promises he can't keep. I think he's only doing that because he wants to please you, but doesn't know whether or not he can keep the promises, which makes it unreliable. I could be wrong.

Please understand that it sounds to me as if he is really trying his hardest to acquiesce to your request for more time together, but in the pinch he finds that he desperately needs to recuperate and lacks the energy to socialise even if he does something else. Which is still not great because then you feel let down, but for him he might feel its better to tell you what you want to hear, maybe he feels under pressure to do that. I could be wrong, if he is avoiding you for another reason then I apologise, but there's no way for me to know for sure and if you're still together I won't assume the worst. You should already know that you're trying your hardest too, which is why I focused on their side.

I once dated someone who would make promises they couldn't keep. Because I was very into them, it was hard for me and I suffered a lot in silence thinking about them every moment, hoping to see them again soon. Like you, I didn't want to be let down. I've also been on the side of struggling with social energy. Due to depression & other mental illness, etc. So the best dynamic seems to be if everyone can remain calm and just take things at the rate they progress naturally. It can be hard both when you desire someone very much or when you lack energy, so I relate to both sides.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

My biggest hesitation is that he's also really depressed and has schizophrenia and I've heard that being distant is something that will probably happen in a relationship with schizophrenia.

Do any of you have any helpful input or advice you can give me on how to possibly help us get through this? I'm just tired of us apologizing after fighting and then me getting mad again, and then him saying it's his fault and me apologizing because it's my fault.

I think it's the depression that could be getting to him. Personally, when I'm depressed I stop responding to texts and don't want to talk to anyone, including my significant other. It's not personal at all, but I don't have energy to do those things on top of the other things that are tiring me out. Perhaps he's going through a problem like that, but doesn't know how to tell you that in fear of coming off the wrong way.

Do you perhaps have anxious attachment issues?

 

[greyblue_bian]

I think it's the depression that could be getting to him. Personally, when I'm depressed I stop responding to texts and don't want to talk to anyone, including my significant other. It's not personal at all, but I don't have energy to do those things on top of the other things that are tiring me out. Perhaps he's going through a problem like that, but doesn't know how to tell you that in fear of coming off the wrong way.

Do you perhaps have anxious attachment issues?

Honestly, I really do think so.