The Eeyorish One
Member
- Oct 9, 2022
- 98
Yeah, it's kind of pathetic. I'll stare at the checkout screen for a while and then close it. It's just like when I was younger and I was too scared to even pull the trigger of an unloaded gun. I wish I could stop being in limbo. I wish my brain could commit to something.
Obviously, I'm scared of ctb because SI is a bitch, but there are other factors I'm more scared of. I'm terrified of getting caught in the act or prematurely. I'm terrified of potential complications or pain from doing it. I'm terrified of waking up or aborting a failed attempt, knowing this would mean expensive medical bills, a trip to the psych ward, and then being thrown on the street since one of my partners has said he'd throw me out if I ever made myself bleed from SH (and ctb attempt is much worse… so logically I assume this would also get me kicked out). Basically… if I get caught or fail, my life will be 1000% worse and then I really will have no other option, and would likely have to go with a worse method. And when I think about all of this, it just overwhelms me and it feels easier to just suffer silently, and try to distract myself with pointless media.
I just… don't know what to do. I've tried all the meds, therapy, hobbies, etc. Nothing works. And I just can't seem to make myself be a useful member of society. I can't even make myself do chores 90% of the time. (10% success rate comes from partners getting upset enough that it kinda forces me to trudge through it). And getting a job again? That's a pipe dream. I can't even imagine it. Between my constantly rotating around the clock sleep schedule, random back and arm pain, lack of motivation, the anxiety of being around people again, having no marketable skills, my hatred of capitalism, etc… I just can't.
I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop? Like… eventually my partners will throw me out anyway right? I mean it's been 7 years of me being a worthless leech, surely they're almost done putting up with me? And then I can finally overcome SI and ctb? But I just dunno what to do in the meantime. I'm tired of trying. I'm bored all the time. When I occasionally find something new to hyperfixate on I lose interest within a week…
And then I look at what I've typed and I feel like I'm over exaggerating. I feel like if I was actually messed up I would've attempted at least once by now. I feel like I should be unable to mask the pain in my day to day. I feel like I should be super moody/emo/crying all the time or something. I feel like a fucking fake that's just lazy and looking for an excuse. I feel like I'm unworthy of ctb. Like yeah I've got some problems (some of which are listed here) but most of it just… isn't that big of a deal? Like so many people struggle to have food to eat, get trafficked, etc… while I live a perfect life. Like how many people can say "yeah I literally sit on the couch all day and do whatever the fuck I want".
Idk… is any of this relatable? Or am I just crazy? Does anyone happen to have any advice on anything?
Obviously, I'm scared of ctb because SI is a bitch, but there are other factors I'm more scared of. I'm terrified of getting caught in the act or prematurely. I'm terrified of potential complications or pain from doing it. I'm terrified of waking up or aborting a failed attempt, knowing this would mean expensive medical bills, a trip to the psych ward, and then being thrown on the street since one of my partners has said he'd throw me out if I ever made myself bleed from SH (and ctb attempt is much worse… so logically I assume this would also get me kicked out). Basically… if I get caught or fail, my life will be 1000% worse and then I really will have no other option, and would likely have to go with a worse method. And when I think about all of this, it just overwhelms me and it feels easier to just suffer silently, and try to distract myself with pointless media.
I just… don't know what to do. I've tried all the meds, therapy, hobbies, etc. Nothing works. And I just can't seem to make myself be a useful member of society. I can't even make myself do chores 90% of the time. (10% success rate comes from partners getting upset enough that it kinda forces me to trudge through it). And getting a job again? That's a pipe dream. I can't even imagine it. Between my constantly rotating around the clock sleep schedule, random back and arm pain, lack of motivation, the anxiety of being around people again, having no marketable skills, my hatred of capitalism, etc… I just can't.
I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop? Like… eventually my partners will throw me out anyway right? I mean it's been 7 years of me being a worthless leech, surely they're almost done putting up with me? And then I can finally overcome SI and ctb? But I just dunno what to do in the meantime. I'm tired of trying. I'm bored all the time. When I occasionally find something new to hyperfixate on I lose interest within a week…
And then I look at what I've typed and I feel like I'm over exaggerating. I feel like if I was actually messed up I would've attempted at least once by now. I feel like I should be unable to mask the pain in my day to day. I feel like I should be super moody/emo/crying all the time or something. I feel like a fucking fake that's just lazy and looking for an excuse. I feel like I'm unworthy of ctb. Like yeah I've got some problems (some of which are listed here) but most of it just… isn't that big of a deal? Like so many people struggle to have food to eat, get trafficked, etc… while I live a perfect life. Like how many people can say "yeah I literally sit on the couch all day and do whatever the fuck I want".
Idk… is any of this relatable? Or am I just crazy? Does anyone happen to have any advice on anything?