He has a blue otter, the size of a plusshy, the ones you hug when you're a child, trying to feel protected, warm. I felt like that when he was near me.
We were playing Vrchat, basically a virtual world, it was, and still is a great escapism of my reality. There I don't need to be me, there I can be a giant cat, there it doesn't matter where I'm from, there I can be near him, or at least pretend I am.
I only needed a little "touch", or the best you can have of a digital character, a small semblance of intimacy, for craving for more, craving for more him.
At one night, i had it, he changed his avatar, now the innocence of that small otter faded away, he was now a fox, of my size, a naked one, and he started to touch me, passing his hands thought my body, and i felt warm, i felt wanted, and i wasn't hiding how i was feeling, he knew it very well, and i hoped he was feeling the same.
I only needed that night to poison my head with him, that small interaction made me cursed, made me obsessed with him, and with that came the fantasy, of more nights like that, of him being more and more into me, of him saying he loved me, of him paying a flight ticket for me, and me being there, with him, on a 1 world country, happy forever.
That didn't happen, he never chased me back, it was me that needed that, to always be on his size, to always be looking forward to him, to beg for a small reciprocity, but he never gave me what i truly wanted, his fully attention, just for me and no one else.
But i know, what i feel for him, is not love, is obsession, he is not my love, how could it be, i only know him truly for one week, he is, my fantasy, my savior, whatever i need him to be in my mind to save me of my parents, my country, myself.
And with that comes my fear, i know what i feel, i know is not real, but i cant not feel that for him, and my biggest fear is that i will feel that forever, forever fantasizing of someone that never would be, sometimes it feels like i got all the bad trades of mental health, I truly hate my mind, and how i think.
And I know that he has people in real life, not in a game, that are coming to him, that he can touch, that he can kiss, that he can love, im not his concern and probably never will.
So I chased anything in the game, anyone who could give me a glimpse, of that, of being wanted, with that i meet someone, that promised to go here, to me, to really be with me, I don't believe that.
I was with him once, trying to make his virtual warm make me forget about the otter it didnt worked, but at least i had something, but then another one came, he started to kiss this one too, lick him, in front of me, he didn't make it to make him feel bad, is just how he is, love free, but me, looking at that, started laughing, it was funny, truly pathetically funny.
Now I'm here, I know that the otter has plans, I'm not in those, the other one, the one who made the promise, turned stiff to me.
I wanted to buy a tap, there's an old pipe hole in my wall. I'm planning to put a hope there. I also wanted to write something, and that's what I am doing.
We were playing Vrchat, basically a virtual world, it was, and still is a great escapism of my reality. There I don't need to be me, there I can be a giant cat, there it doesn't matter where I'm from, there I can be near him, or at least pretend I am.
I only needed a little "touch", or the best you can have of a digital character, a small semblance of intimacy, for craving for more, craving for more him.
At one night, i had it, he changed his avatar, now the innocence of that small otter faded away, he was now a fox, of my size, a naked one, and he started to touch me, passing his hands thought my body, and i felt warm, i felt wanted, and i wasn't hiding how i was feeling, he knew it very well, and i hoped he was feeling the same.
I only needed that night to poison my head with him, that small interaction made me cursed, made me obsessed with him, and with that came the fantasy, of more nights like that, of him being more and more into me, of him saying he loved me, of him paying a flight ticket for me, and me being there, with him, on a 1 world country, happy forever.
That didn't happen, he never chased me back, it was me that needed that, to always be on his size, to always be looking forward to him, to beg for a small reciprocity, but he never gave me what i truly wanted, his fully attention, just for me and no one else.
But i know, what i feel for him, is not love, is obsession, he is not my love, how could it be, i only know him truly for one week, he is, my fantasy, my savior, whatever i need him to be in my mind to save me of my parents, my country, myself.
And with that comes my fear, i know what i feel, i know is not real, but i cant not feel that for him, and my biggest fear is that i will feel that forever, forever fantasizing of someone that never would be, sometimes it feels like i got all the bad trades of mental health, I truly hate my mind, and how i think.
And I know that he has people in real life, not in a game, that are coming to him, that he can touch, that he can kiss, that he can love, im not his concern and probably never will.
So I chased anything in the game, anyone who could give me a glimpse, of that, of being wanted, with that i meet someone, that promised to go here, to me, to really be with me, I don't believe that.
I was with him once, trying to make his virtual warm make me forget about the otter it didnt worked, but at least i had something, but then another one came, he started to kiss this one too, lick him, in front of me, he didn't make it to make him feel bad, is just how he is, love free, but me, looking at that, started laughing, it was funny, truly pathetically funny.
Now I'm here, I know that the otter has plans, I'm not in those, the other one, the one who made the promise, turned stiff to me.
I wanted to buy a tap, there's an old pipe hole in my wall. I'm planning to put a hope there. I also wanted to write something, and that's what I am doing.
