Venting I just want to spend my last holidays alive with someone that cares about me

[nozomu]

I already know I'm not gonna make it to the end of 2023. I already decided this for myself.

I can't plainly tell the people in my life these are my final holidays alive. So they don't even understand how badly I want to just have a good time with someone. One time before I go. please.

I haven't had a good holiday season ever. I grew up in an abusive household. No one has ever loved me. I'm on the back burner of everyone's lives.

I make and give these nice gifts to people I care about and I don't get anything in return. It's not why I give people things but it would be nice to receive a gift that shows someone thought of me.

But more than anything? I just want time with someone I care about. I want to know I matter enough even for just a few hours. To be able to smile and laugh and enjoy the company of someone else.

I can't even verbalize this to someone else. That a few hours of their presence would really mean the world to me because I feel like a burden for having desires like this. Why should I tell someone that I really want to spend time with them when all it is is an inconvenience to put this on someone else's shoulders? I sit there contemplating telling them and I just freeze up because I don't think I'm worth the trouble to assert myself like that.

I'm gonna die without ever knowing what that's like. That hurts a lot. Life is cruel. Fuck it all.

 

[SaylorTwift]

I will probably be gone before the end of the year. I don't know you, but it sounds like we have similar experiences. I'd spend time with you if I could.

 

[nozomu]

I will probably be gone before the end of the year. I don't know you, but it sounds like we have similar experiences. I'd spend time with you if I could.

Sorry to hear. If I had my supplies I'd consider leaving early just to get rid of this pain

 

[Huntfish34]

I hope that in Some way, shape, form or fashion you will be able to spend some quality time with a loved one/ friend..... You deserve that much I believe. I have an immense self hatred / anxiety so I can understand what you mean to an extent.

Thoughts and prayers. -

 

[nozomu]

I hope that in Some way, shape, form or fashion that you will be able to spend some quality time with a loved one/ friend..... You deserve that much I believe. I have an immense self hatred / anxiety so I can understand what you mean to an extent.

Thoughts and prayers. -

I wish I could verbalize to someone that even a few hours would be enough. But I feel bad for having these desires when I know I'm not important enough to have them fulfilled

 

[SaylorTwift]

Sorry to hear. If I had my supplies I'd consider leaving early just to get rid of this pain

Thank you for the empathy. What is your method of choice? I have my SN kit ready. Couldn't get any benzos, but I don't care at this point. I just want to move on. I'm trying to convince myself that the eventual pain of CTBing is worth it if I succeed.

 

[nozomu]

Thank you for the empathy. What is your method of choice? I have my SN kit ready. Couldn't get any benzos, but I don't care at this point. I just want to move on. I'm trying to convince myself that the eventual pain of CTBing is worth it if I succeed.

Trying to hold on for N but I have almost everything for SN as backup because honestly I need to go already.

 

[wantittoendsoon]

I will probably be gone before the end of the year. I don't know you, but it sounds like we have similar experiences. I'd spend time with you if I could.

I too am planning to CTB by the end of the year. I'm going with Nitrogen and a non-rebreather mask...you?

 

[SaylorTwift]

Trying to hold on for N but I have almost everything for SN as backup because honestly I need to go already.

Oh, you managed to order N from someone? Lucky you, I'm envious

I too am planning to CTB by the end of the year. I'm going with Nitrogen and a non-rebreather mask...you?

SN. I am too scared to do any method besides ingesting poison/drugs. Everything else feels too violent for me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's certainly true that life is cruel, the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this with people suffering so much through no fault of their own. But I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find freedom from your pain.

 

[nozomu]

Oh, you managed to order N from someone? Lucky you, I'm envious

SN. I am too scared to do any method besides ingesting poison/drugs. Everything else feels too violent for me.

I didn't order yet I'm waiting for a source. But I have sn in case I can't wait any longer.

It's certainly true that life is cruel, the reality is that there is simply nothing fair about any of this with people suffering so much through no fault of their own. But I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find freedom from your pain.

I can't wait to leave. I'll finally be free.

Just wish I could enjoy some of this life before I do.


Also as an update, i was asked why I feel so down so I did tell at least someone that I wish I wasn't alone..I know they won't change their plans for me but lol

 

[nozomu]

I think I might be assertive later that I need someone to at least give me a fucking hour because I should be worth at least that. right

 

[Wannagonow]

I think I might be assertive later that I need someone to at least give me a fucking hour because I should be worth at least that. right

You deserve much more than that. Feeling like you're invisible is a terrible feeling. I get nothing from my family either - no visits, texts, phonecalls. It's not going to solve your problem, but try to remember you are important and you matter.

 

[nozomu]

i wish i was this confident in saying i will be gone because theres no guarantee it will work for me

Why not? SN is reliable if you follow protocol

You deserve much more than that. Feeling like you're invisible is a terrible feeling. I get nothing from my family either - no visits, texts, phonecalls. It's not going to solve your problem, but try to remember you are important and you matter.

Thank you and I am sorry you're alone too

 

[Dizzylady80]

Oh if I wasn't hanging out with my friend so they won't be alone I'd offer to do a discord call w you on christmas is there anyone else you could spend the holidays with?

 

[nozomu]

Oh if I wasn't hanging out with my friend so they won't be alone I'd offer to do a discord call w you on christmas is there anyone else you could spend the holidays with?

No one :(

only have access to SN not other drugs

There's ways to get them, lots of folks post about it

 

[Scythe]

If you can't get someome to spend time with you maybe find an animal? At least I enjoy animal company as much as human ones. Local pet shelter might let play with some animals. If timezones and stuff work out I can also talk with you for some time on christmas if u'd like. There's also a partners thread here.

 

[wantittoendsoon]

only have access to SN not other drugs

i wish i was this confident in saying i will be gone because theres no guarantee it will work for me

 

[godhelpme313]

Honestly? I'd just tell them. It's not really a burden to others to need them. Have you ever felt needed? How did it make you feel? Might have made you feel important, special, or powerful. The first person you tell might say no, but the second, or fifth, might say yes.