Venting I just want to die

[CyanideSoup]

I'm so fucking done. All I can think about is dying. Im hallucinating all the time, seeing people and hearing voices telling me I'm worthless and broken, that I've ruined everyone's lives and that if I don't kill myself they'll kill my family. I can't cope with it. Im not allowed to live with my daughter anymore because I'm putting her at risk by trying to ctb. My family are watching my every move to try and stop me from making this pain stop. I feel like I'm suffocating.

The mental health team thought I had psychosis so I was referred to the Early Intervention service really fast, seen within 3 weeks and prescribed new medication straight away. I had access to the crisis team 24/7 and actually felt supported. But when I was admitted to the psych ward a few weeks ago I saw a doctor and as soon as she heard I'd been sexually assaulted when I was a child she was like "ah, you don't sound like you have psychosis it sounds like it's just part of your BPD". So they kicked me out of the hospital because "hospital wasn't the right fit for me" (not complaining tho), they kicked me out of the early intervention service because I don't have psychosis and sent me back to the AMHT who already told me twice that they can't treat me because I have BPD and I'm too complex. So now the fucking AMHT have turned around and stopped all of my medication because "BPD doesn't respond to medication", they've said they can't help me anymore and put me on a 2 year waiting list for DBT.

I'm still suffering with everything I was before and more and they've just completely abandoned me. Oh and social services have started Pre-court proceedings for my daughter because they want me to have a psychological evaluation . I just want this hell to be over but the SN won't be here for a few weeks and all I have is fucking paracetamol that won't do anything. Please, can somebody message me who's willing to be a friend until the SN arrives because I just feel so alone and trapped.

 

[foreverbroken28]

Sometimes, you have to lie to the mental health "authorities" to get what you want. So like, I would have amped up the symptoms of psychosis and left out anything that might seem like a trait of BPD.

All in all, it isn't your fault and the healthcare system is pretty shitty in a lot of places... It's even worse if you have a personality disorder like BPD because a ton of "professionals" don't wanna deal with us. I'm sorry for how you feel and I do hope you find a buddy to converse with. I'd offer but I think I'm a bit obnoxious and annoying at this point.

Cyber hugs and I wish you peace.. this all bites.

 

[DoNotLet2]

Yeah cyber hugs to your Lonely Ghost. I just want to ensure you that we're here for you and your voices are totally wrong. It's not like something is wrong with you cause they don't give you help. They are simply too weak for you.

 

[wiIIow]

I'm sorry that you are suffering and that mental health professionals have failed you, like they do for countless others. It's abhorrent how those diagnosed with bpd are treated, or how they are quick to slap on a false bpd diagnosis to "difficult" cases and then tell you there's nothing that can be done. I was diagnosed with bpd for years and treated with disgust by dismissive "professionals" and not taken seriously, before I finally discovered that I instead have autism (and bipolar disorder). I wish there were better protections and systems put in place for those who struggle mentally, rather than being cast aside and treated like animals or toddlers. It's a tragedy.

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to have mental troubles in the sick society we live in, it's difficult not to if you have any awareness and are not locked in the "game" we are all forced to play with a gun pointed at our heads. Yet we're treated like the lunatics... but I digress.

my inbox is always open, but I'm sometimes bad at responding in a timely manner

take care, hang in

 

[Walilamdzi]

They're trying to take your child from you?

 

[muffin222]

I'm so sorry you're struggling to get help from the very system that's supposed to be in place to support you...it's beyond broken. You deserve to be treated better :(

 

[Inner_dialogue]

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a horrid time! I know this sounds cliche but you really aren't alone! I've got a diagnosis of EUPD and the treatment I get off crisis teams and hospitals is vile; it's like we don't deserve to get help! The same thing happened to me, I was the early intervention team and got supported so well, but as soon as I got the EUPD diagnosis, as well as CPTSD I was moved teams. So I really do feel you! Just try hang in there, you deserve just as much help as anyone else! You are worthy, remember that :)