Venting I just want to die every day

[Idos]

Hi guys, i feel really bad. I just cannot be happy in this world. Every day i wake up and feel like shit. I do not have bad life. Im in university having good grades, i have loving parents lot of friends. I was always really happy and bright kid but was bullied hard all my life by my older brother. It really destroyed me. I cut him off year ago and it felt so good. I was always scared of him because he was obese so all my life he was twice my size. My parents really didnt cared about me. They care only about him because he had skin condition that was pretty much harmless but they made so much big deal out of it. They never were home they were always working so i never told them about bullying because i knew that they will never be home protecting me. Worst part about that was that they were working because they wanted more money not because we were poor. We actually lived in upper class. But my parents rather made money than take care of me and my brother. I developed chronic pain in my knee joint when i was 13. When my chronic pain started that was moment when i just could not cope with my situation anymore and i just wanted to die. Then i got horiblle acne and due to my joint pain i could not tolerate accutane side effects. Topical medication did shit for my acne. So now i have moderate acne scars with some active acne. I just want to die because i never feel happy. Im always sad and i just hate that some people see it. They always ask me whats wrong but i just tell them im ok, because i know they cant help me. My plan right now is just buy nitrogen and make some suicide kit so i can end it already. I just have no happiness in my life. Nothing brings me joy. Its just constant sufering and nothing else. Its crazy when i realized that I was actively thinking about suicide since i was 13. I just want to wake up and have normal joints, normal skin and nothing else. The think is i think life is amazing if youre lucky enought and have problems you can tolerate. But when you have life that bring you more suffering then joy is it really worth living? The thing is i dont want to end my life i just want to end my suffering. I just want to be normal human you know? Thats it i just wanted to tell somebody. Thanks for coming to my ted talk,

 

[wanttodie]

me to

 

[itsjustm3]

I understand where you're coming from about being bullied by your own family member, being neglected cause your family busy making more money instead of caring. Anyone would yearn for love from our loved ones. Anyone would very much prefer not to live in such a broken body.
I wish you peace and thanks for sharing.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really is so unnecessarily cruel and it certainly sounds like you've suffered so much, it's very much understandable just wishing to finally be free from all suffering, there certainly seems to be no real relief from it in this hellish world.

 

[yawasimas]

Everytime that i read a post like this one, even i always wants to talk about it, i feel like... my English is just no good enough
Buuuuuut, that's the... minor of the problems!
I can't get out of my bed and give you a hug right now :c
But... here's a song for you