I just want to die and I'm getting close

[Tintypographer]

I have done a lot of rationalization. I feel like death is an event horizon and we can't see across it and no one who has crossed it can see back. When I die whether it's considered a "selfish" act or not, whatever is left behind will cease to be here for me. I know that i should worry about my family and that brings me even more sadness in my life today but if I'm dead even that pain will be gone.

I want no more cognitive therapy where I have to rationalize an angry, bitter spouse, a life that makes me do things I hate and people who need too much from me. I want all of that to be gone and I don't want to have to deal with any emotional trauma or any upset people at all. I don't want any reframing at all, I want to remain absolute and black and white and I want to just disappear and not have to worry at all about what's left behind.

I will only think in terms of "will this matter in 500-1000 years" for any question. If you ask me to think of my kids I will say, "will that matter in 500-1000 years?".

I am so tired of being here and dealing with day after day of anger and filth.

 

[Tintypographer]

Today has been one long string of feelings of failure, isolation, self hatred and depression. I'm very competent at my job but it's like it's meaningless. I don't want to continue to be and do the same things over and over. I don't want to be part of this world anymore. I want to escape and never awaken again. I now have plans and means and I know it's only days. I've hardened myself to not even worry about my kids. I just want this pain to end so badly. I don't want to respond to patent examiners or attend meetings or answer regulatory questions or handle timelines or justify crap anymore. Just to fall asleep and never wake up and let their emails and WhatsApp and text messages simply keep coming over and over. I wonder how long they would keep messaging me and then what would they do?

 

[Last Caress]

Hey there!
I read this with the feeling we have something in common. In fact, most us here share the same feelings and I think it's fine.
Life and Death are meaningful to each other, sort of, true, but I am certain it's an event horizon if you want it to be. Not going to talk about consciousness and expansion.

The only thing I want to tell you is: I love you! Please try to take a moment for yourself these days and meditate upon your decision, but no matter what, your decision is going to be good regardless. Being a part of this world is painful for me as well, in fact, for all us here, it's just a matter of time until we all go to sleep anyways, and if you think your time is near, you should take a moment for yourself and take your own decision. I love you, beautiful soul. Feel free to PM if you need to discuss more and as a last piece of advice, please don't just rationalize situations, try to think with your heart at the same time you think with your brain, it's going to help you because it's a part of you! Take care.

 

[FuneralCry]

I always question my existence too. Everything we do is pointless as we all just die anyway. Death makes life seem so insignificant in comparison. I am aware that my suffering is just for the sake of it, which makes me want to leave this world more. I love the idea of nonexistence, free from mortal concerns.
Stress can constantly eat away at our minds, it really is like a battle we cannot win dealing with this life. I wish you the best, nobody deserves to suffer in this world.

 

[Bat 17]

I won't bore you by rehearsing the debates we've already had, but you are far too intelligent to believe that 500-1000 year rationalisation. You really do seem to be suffering terribly though and for what it's worth my heart goes out to you and I stand in solidarity with you in your pain.

 

[lonerclown666]

Same bro i just hate humanity and everyone i hope leave in the next months

 

[WornOutLife]

The 500-1000 years' logic makes a lot of sense lol.
I'm still on this blue rock because of my dad. Can't leave him yet but I dunno how longer I'll endure this.

 

[Tintypographer]

I slept very little last night and I'm down again this morning. I keep trying to keep up the facade but I am starting to not care anymore. I know it's stupid but I do rationalize with the 500 year idea. I'm exhausted and about to start a full day of calls with people asking me what to do and others begging me to come to their offices and oversee employees who don't work for me. I don't want to do this anymore.