Venting I just want to be done.

[punisheralbum]

TW: sexual assault/abuse

I'm sick of doing this. I don't know how to go on. I've been suicidal on and off (mostly on) for my entire life, and my CPTSD is out of control. today I went to the gynecologist and it was like being assaulted all over again. I HATE my body and I HATE being female. I was assaulted and abused because I am female and I have to deal with this shit because I am female. it does not get better or easier, it gets worse, actually. I've stayed alive for my girlfriend, my cat, my parents - but I can't be in this much pain forever. and now I can't even pee without crying because I'm injured from the shitty exam I had. I don't want to be alive anymore. just let me go. I guess the real issue is that I have to ctb but I CANNOT fail. I have to do something foolproof. and hopefully soon. abuse, depression, you name it has ruined my life and taken everything from me. I just want peace. I just want to be done.

 

[TheYounger]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Judah]

I am sorry for what you are going through, sexual abuse can mark someone permanently, I hope you get better, I had an experience similar to yours and I know how hard it is.

 

[Gaybonez]

TW: sexual assault/abuse

I'm sick of doing this. I don't know how to go on. I've been suicidal on and off (mostly on) for my entire life, and my CPTSD is out of control. today I went to the gynecologist and it was like being assaulted all over again. I HATE my body and I HATE being female. I was assaulted and abused because I am female and I have to deal with this shit because I am female. it does not get better or easier, it gets worse, actually. I've stayed alive for my girlfriend, my cat, my parents - but I can't be in this much pain forever. and now I can't even pee without crying because I'm injured from the shitty exam I had. I don't want to be alive anymore. just let me go. I guess the real issue is that I have to ctb but I CANNOT fail. I have to do something foolproof. and hopefully soon. abuse, depression, you name it has ruined my life and taken everything from me. I just want peace. I just want to be done.

What happened during the exam? Were you harmed?

 

[punisheralbum]

What happened during the exam? Were you harmed?

the doctor was nice enough but it was still a painful experience and it left me with some small tear. I just can't believe I put myself in a position to be retraumatized like that again. I despise a lot about the medical complex.

 

[rosie93]

the doctor was nice enough but it was still a painful experience and it left me with some small tear. I just can't believe I put myself in a position to be retraumatized like that again. I despise a lot about the medical complex.

You're not alone. It is painful. I hate it too.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering. Life really is so cruel and I understand that it is an awful feeling to be in a hopeless situation. I wish you well.

 

[Gaybonez]

the doctor was nice enough but it was still a painful experience and it left me with some small tear. I just can't believe I put myself in a position to be retraumatized like that again. I despise a lot about the medical complex.

I'm sorry. It's important to know that a lot of them mean the best.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I guess the real issue is that I have to ctb but I CANNOT fail.

I'm really, really sorry you're struggling with all of this. I'm an adult survivor of ongoing childhood molestation. If you'd ever like to vent or talk, I'm happy to listen/share. One of the worst parts of what we deal with is others' expectation that we'd get over it by the time we're adults or when they learn of it. Even mental health professionals can expect that we'd have moved on "by now."

And I totally agree with you: "I have to ctb but I CANNOT fail." Wishing you the best.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

the doctor was nice enough but it was still a painful experience and it left me with some small tear. I just can't believe I put myself in a position to be retraumatized like that again. I despise a lot about the medical complex.

GYN doctors are assholes. Don't let them stick anything other than pediatric clamps in you! Bigger clamps are not required.

The women can be the worst. Sometimes women can be jealous that your vagina is tighter b/c your fresh. Some men may just be brutal and treat it like dead meat.

Switch doctors. Find one who is more holistic. They are REQUIRED to listen to you. You pay their salary NOT the other way around.

 

[punisheralbum]

I'm really, really sorry you're struggling with all of this. I'm an adult survivor of ongoing childhood molestation. If you'd ever like to vent or talk, I'm happy to listen/share. One of the worst parts of what we deal with is others' expectation that we'd get over it by the time we're adults or when they learn of it. Even mental health professionals can expect that we'd have moved on "by now."

And I totally agree with you: "I have to ctb but I CANNOT fail." Wishing you the best.

thank you so much. it's like a never ending black hole sucking the life out of you - living with abuse and PTSD. I hope you're treating yourself well.