I just want it to end

[so tired or manic]

most nights I become very suicidal. days I feel okay and that everything will work out, but once the sun sets the dark side comes out. there's no way to live in continuous light. the constant fluctuations are nothing more than draining. even though there's some light in my life, there's still far too much dark to make up for the few moments of relief. especially with winter coming it's only going to get worse.

I'm not ready to go just yet because I can't guarantee anything I can do will work fast enough, but more than anything I just want this roller coaster to end.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

It begins to tell 'round midnight
I do pretty well, till after sundown
Supper time I'm feelin' sad
But it really gets bad 'round midnight

Your post reminded me of this song. Nights are difficult for me too.

 

[so tired or manic]

I can guarantee my body missing from this world will only affect the fuzzy little ones I've accepted in my life. I keep trying to hold on for them. I just don't know how much more I can actually hold on. nothing gets better. 20 years of being suicidal. over 20 suicide attempts. I'm so exhausted, but sleep isn't an option until the sun is up anymore, which just makes everything worse.

I wish I jumped off the Grand Canyon when I was last there.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

We haven't had many interactions on this site at all. I've read your post, felt for you, and responded. If I knew you weren't in this world anymore, I'd be really sad.

Now think of the people who have had far greater experiences with you. I guarantee you, your presence here is meaningful. You can always leave whenever you want — it's your choice. But I don't want you going thinking that you needed to leave because you are insignificant. You matter. Sending more hugs your way.

 

[Bauhaus]

I use mirtazapine for "dark depression", meaning when it's dark weather or night.
Mirtazapine is both used for depression and insomnia. A low dose (15 mg) helps with depression while a large dose (45 mg) helps for sleep.
I suggest to talk about it with your GP.

 

[so tired or manic]

I use mirtazapine for "dark depression", meaning when it's dark weather or night.

thank you. I'll have to give it a try.

We haven't had many interactions on this site at all. I've read your post, felt for you, and responded. If I knew you weren't in this world anymore, I'd be really sad.

thank you.
it's mostly due to how I've cut off everyone in my life. there's no friends left and the way it only took less than a month for the rest of my family to move on from my brother's death never gave me much reason for my death to be different. there is no love, only narcissism, so that plays a huge part.