Venting I just want it to end. I just want support

[sopwithcamel]

Hello,

I am utterly crushed and have no hope for the future. My performance at school is dwindling among a sea of problems I am having right now. But what upsets me is that I am failing at the only thing I can count on to have a better life (my education)… I just don't know when it's going to end. I've been depressed since I was 12 and each year seems to bring its own unique traumatic situation that ruins my mental health, and I have to pick up the pieces over and over again. I can only wish I had the means to kill myself directly. Every day I regret failing my attempt from two years ago. I am constantly playing catch-up with others, and out of every environment I've been in, I'm always the least fortunate. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want some support. To be seen, at the very least. There's only so much I can take.

 

[StarryStarry]

You are not alone in your feelings. I understand completely. I feel invisible most of the time. My life doesn't count for anything.

Is it your studies that are bringing on these feelings? Or is there more going on?

 

[Sherri]

I'm sorry for your pain, but that's a decision you must make on your own, we can't tell you do it. It would be against SS rules and most users here. CTB involves lots of thinking, restrospetive. And of course name sure that that's what you really want. All we can do is wish you well whatever path you take. hugs.

 

[meetapple]

Education only puts you on the path to being a wage slave. You can make money independently in many ways.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much, living is very painful. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I know it can be a dreadful feeling when things just get worse. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

Hello,

I am utterly crushed and have no hope for the future. My performance at school is dwindling among a sea of problems I am having right now. But what upsets me is that I am failing at the only thing I can count on to have a better life (my education)… I just don't know when it's going to end. I've been depressed since I was 12 and each year seems to bring its own unique traumatic situation that ruins my mental health, and I have to pick up the pieces over and over again. I can only wish I had the means to kill myself directly. Every day I regret failing my attempt from two years ago. I am constantly playing catch-up with others, and out of every environment I've been in, I'm always the least fortunate. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want some support. To be seen, at the very least. There's only so much I can take.

I know that feeling very well, I've been through it in the past.
Take a step back, try to understand what causes so much pressure on you.
Sometimes parents, friends, neighbors keep younger people under a microscope, put so many expectations on them as if they were horses in a race.
It's not fair that you think about killing yourself because you feel like the horse losing the race. Life is not a race.
If your days are still not ruined by endless suffering, try to live them, keeping an eye on the future.

 

[sopwithcamel]

You are not alone in your feelings. I understand completely. I feel invisible most of the time. My life doesn't count for anything.

Is it your studies that are bringing on these feelings? Or is there more going on?

There is more going on but the fact that my studies aren't going well is what breaks me the most. It is the only way out for me. It's the only way I can get a decent job & start doing something with my life. It won't fix everything like the long term consequences of my (ongoing) abuse but it would be a start. Someone in the thread earlier said that school's primary purpose is to make you a wage slave and that there are unconventional/independent ways to make money but I have no idea how that would be possible and I can't afford to take too many risks as I don't have a safety net.

Speaking of safety nets, I am terribly jealous of people like my classmates who got lucky and were born into loving and supportive families. It's obvious they've experienced very little abuse in their life and their parents have instilled them with a deep sense of confidence and have taught them valuable skills. As for me, I've been primed to be a good little people-pleaser/ass kisser, a shy and unremarkable person, yet I have nothing to show for it.
By the time some of my classmates were 16 they'd already traveled to several countries, had memorable experiences with their friends, been in a relationship. By that age I had none of these but I had been bullied, sexually assaulted, saw my sister get molested by my older brother, just a bunch of terrible, terrible experiences. I can't believe how much of life boils down to luck, starting with the family (and country) you're born into. It's profoundly unfair but what can I do about it? I am sorry for trauma dumping.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

it's hard to give an advice. This might be very specific to country, your age and your field of studies.
I've been through your same condition. My parents made me a people pleaser; they forced me to learn that what is more important is the honor of the family and being better and more successful than others. They taught me that work is everything and they forgot to follow me during my growth and teach me the most important skills for life.
It works well when you are a child, in a small primary school. Every parent would like the obedient little child that reaches the success that they never had and do not oppose any of their request.
But as your horizons expands, you find yourself in a college or university with many skilled and competitive students, with high class or well educated families. And the sense of competition that has been forced into you will break you apart.

The performance in school and the success that you can have after school is something that depends from what you are studying and in which country you are in. Some countries are more competitive, due to overpopulation (india, china, ..). Some studies allows you to have success even if it took you more time to complete them.
As an example, I graduated as engineer. I was forced to study by my parents and I wasn't given the perspective that I was studying to learn a profession for my future. It always felt like it was my duty and I had to obtain good grades to please my parents. After the first 3 years of university, this method didn't work any more. I started having difficulties and I refused to pass exams just because it was a dishonor to repeat classes.
I repeated classes, multiple times. But I had the luck that my parents paid the university (it was public). It took me 5 years to complete the last 2 years of study.
Did it have an impact on my career? A little, at the beginning. But the point is that if you become highly specialized in something that is highly requested by the job market, then it won't matter if it took you 3 or 4 years more to complete the studies.

I've also seen class mates failing my same studies very early, but then becoming more successful in their career.

If your aim is becoming a successful professional in your job, then use all the tools that are available to you. Nowadays you have internet, a large resource of information. You can learn whatever you want without the need of studying at an university. You can check which professions are most demanded. You have all the programs and books that you need.

If you are doing that to give yourself a chance, do it. If your parents are forcing the need of being successful on you, it's bad. If you are grown up with the idea that you should do what pleases other people, soon or later you risk to find the wrong people that will exploit you. That's what happened to me and it ended up badly.

You live for yourself, not for others.

 

[sopwithcamel]

it's hard to give an advice. This might be very specific to country, your age and your field of studies.
I've been through your same condition. My parents made me a people pleaser; they forced me to learn that what is more important is the honor of the family and being better and more successful than others. They taught me that work is everything and they forgot to follow me during my growth and teach me the most important skills for life.
It works well when you are a child, in a small primary school. Every parent would like the obedient little child that reaches the success that they never had and do not oppose any of their request.
But as your horizons expands, you find yourself in a college or university with many skilled and competitive students, with high class or well educated families. And the sense of competition that has been forced into you will break you apart.

The performance in school and the success that you can have after school is something that depends from what you are studying and in which country you are in. Some countries are more competitive, due to overpopulation (india, china, ..). Some studies allows you to have success even if it took you more time to complete them.
As an example, I graduated as engineer. I was forced to study by my parents and I wasn't given the perspective that I was studying to learn a profession for my future. It always felt like it was my duty and I had to obtain good grades to please my parents. After the first 3 years of university, this method didn't work any more. I started having difficulties and I refused to pass exams just because it was a dishonor to repeat classes.
I repeated classes, multiple times. But I had the luck that my parents paid the university (it was public). It took me 5 years to complete the last 2 years of study.
Did it have an impact on my career? A little, at the beginning. But the point is that if you become highly specialized in something that is highly requested by the job market, then it won't matter if it took you 3 or 4 years more to complete the studies.

I've also seen class mates failing my same studies very early, but then becoming more successful in their career.

If your aim is becoming a successful professional in your job, then use all the tools that are available to you. Nowadays you have internet, a large resource of information. You can learn whatever you want without the need of studying at an university. You can check which professions are most demanded. You have all the programs and books that you need.

If you are doing that to give yourself a chance, do it. If your parents are forcing the need of being successful on you, it's bad. If you are grown up with the idea that you should do what pleases other people, soon or later you risk to find the wrong people that will exploit you. That's what happened to me and it ended up badly.

You live for yourself, not for others.

Thank you for the kind words, this means a lot, and I'm sorry for taking so much time to respond.

I just don't know what type of job would be suitable for me. I genuinely don't see a future for myself. All I can do is have good grades and see what I can do from here. I live in Western Europe, and unlike the countries you mentioned earlier (China, India) there's no overpopulation so there shouldn't even be a problem with overcompetitiveness... except my country is very elitist. I'm heading towards the end of high school (I'm old enough to post here) and at some point we'll have to submit our report cards to "a national platform for admission to 1st year courses in the first cycle of higher education" (don't know how else to translate it). That means everything will be automated and people whose performance at school wasn't great (like me, I went from having a 4.0 GPA in my first trimester to a significantly worse one in this current trimester) will be overlooked.
I have no one to blame but myself for this, it's my fault, but I'm so worried about the future. I'm tired of being stunted when it comes to social interactions (and generally having a pretty unpleasant personality, being shy and acting like someone I'm not doesn't help) and just feeling stuck. I've been feeling this way for years and it's hard not to feel defeatist at this point, it's my default state of mind. I see classmates who are incredibly confident and I can't help but wonder where the hell does that come from? I'm even considering using psilocybin or some other psychedelic just to see if it changes something in me, since therapy didn't seem to work. Once again thank you for taking the time to respond to my message :)

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I wish we could chat more. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I just want to say that I don't think you should give up hope. I don't know all the specifics of your situation, but I hear a lot of my own story in your words.

I was an extremely gifted child who skipped two grades (something I later determined was a major reason for some social development issues). I was 19 in my third year of university and failed half of my courses. The first suicide plans happened around that time. So did counseling. I changed course. Eventually I got a doctorate and became a professor. I know that this can't be everyone's story, but I share it because I want you to know that failing in school doesn't mean failing at life. As a student I stressed over my grades so much. As a professor, I had to try to convince my students not to stress over their grades. I hate to see young people's mental health suffer so much because of the pressures of school. Education should be fulfilling and motivating, not overwhelming.

My life hasn't been great (obviously, or I wouldn't be here). I made some bad choices, met some bad people, and had some bad luck. That doesn't mean things couldn't have turned out differently. There's probably something wrong with my brain and I probably would have gone through my life suicidal anyway, but I know there were moments when I felt like I could really make it, and if it wasn't for one small thing, I probably would have. I'd like to think there's a path for you. And maybe that's me wishing that someone else can have what I couldn't, but I'd like to think that it's true.

I hope you find a way out of this rut you're in. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know. Sending you virtual hugs.

 

[jimmy7754]

There is more going on but the fact that my studies aren't going well is what breaks me the most. It is the only way out for me. It's the only way I can get a decent job & start doing something with my life. It won't fix everything like the long term consequences of my (ongoing) abuse but it would be a start. Someone in the thread earlier said that school's primary purpose is to make you a wage slave and that there are unconventional/independent ways to make money but I have no idea how that would be possible and I can't afford to take too many risks as I don't have a safety net.

Speaking of safety nets, I am terribly jealous of people like my classmates who got lucky and were born into loving and supportive families. It's obvious they've experienced very little abuse in their life and their parents have instilled them with a deep sense of confidence and have taught them valuable skills. As for me, I've been primed to be a good little people-pleaser/ass kisser, a shy and unremarkable person, yet I have nothing to show for it.
By the time some of my classmates were 16 they'd already traveled to several countries, had memorable experiences with their friends, been in a relationship. By that age I had none of these but I had been bullied, sexually assaulted, saw my sister get molested by my older brother, just a bunch of terrible, terrible experiences. I can't believe how much of life boils down to luck, starting with the family (and country) you're born into. It's profoundly unfair but what can I do about it? I am sorry for trauma dumping.

I really feel this. If you ever want to pm me and talk I can relate

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

Thank you for the kind words, this means a lot, and I'm sorry for taking so much time to respond.

I just don't know what type of job would be suitable for me. I genuinely don't see a future for myself. All I can do is have good grades and see what I can do from here. I live in Western Europe, and unlike the countries you mentioned earlier (China, India) there's no overpopulation so there shouldn't even be a problem with overcompetitiveness... except my country is very elitist. I'm heading towards the end of high school (I'm old enough to post here) and at some point we'll have to submit our report cards to "a national platform for admission to 1st year courses in the first cycle of higher education" (don't know how else to translate it). That means everything will be automated and people whose performance at school wasn't great (like me, I went from having a 4.0 GPA in my first trimester to a significantly worse one in this current trimester) will be overlooked.
I have no one to blame but myself for this, it's my fault, but I'm so worried about the future. I'm tired of being stunted when it comes to social interactions (and generally having a pretty unpleasant personality, being shy and acting like someone I'm not doesn't help) and just feeling stuck. I've been feeling this way for years and it's hard not to feel defeatist at this point, it's my default state of mind. I see classmates who are incredibly confident and I can't help but wonder where the hell does that come from? I'm even considering using psilocybin or some other psychedelic just to see if it changes something in me, since therapy didn't seem to work. Once again thank you for taking the time to respond to my message :)

I'm also from western europe.
I understand the problem with the limited possibilities that you could get to enter universities, depending on your marks.
These rules in europe vary a lot from country to country, and from university to university.
In my country 20 years ago you could apply to several universities, take the entry test and see which one admitted you.
I've also seen people studying in a different country because they were not admitted in their own country.

I had a colleague in my same company that had studied in a technical school and he joined as undergraduate (no university degree) as a working student. This was in a region with a very large corporate and no university that prepared students for that job. So it was rather easy to get in, as undergraduate or working student.
He had the luck that, once in my group, he picked up the knowledge directly on the job from professionists; he was then introduced to professors of an university and he managed to get the phd with help and recommendations from the company.
This is the way of the students that manage to get introduced to the right people at the right time.

It depends what you are studying and what your ambitions for your future are.

Also: I remember that entry exams for universities in my country had a score that depended both on your marks at graduation, but also on a test.
If you don't pass the test on one year, you can either: try another university with courses that are similar to the one you are interested in; then try to change university on the next year.
Or: retake the entry test on the next year, after having studied properly for it for 1 year.

My life hasn't been great (obviously, or I wouldn't be here). I made some bad choices, met some bad people, and had some bad luck. That doesn't mean things couldn't have turned out differently. There's probably something wrong with my brain and I probably would have gone through my life suicidal anyway, but I know there were moments when I felt like I could really make it, and if it wasn't for one small thing, I probably would have.

so sad; I see so much of my story in these lines..

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I hope I haven't been too hard on you :) If you need any help, let me know

 

[sopwithcamel]

I hope I haven't been too hard on you :) If you need any help, let me know

Not at all, I've been feeling exhausted this week and I didnt have the energy to respond on this thread, again I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. I haven't gone to school for days because of how sick I am and to be honest it's relieving. The subjects I'm studying are interesting but they are not useful by themselves (Philosophy, English literature, Sociology) and I picked those because I happen to be terrible with math-related subjects (and those subjects have the best career prospects, too bad for me). I'm going to sound repetitive again but I don't see a future for myself. The only skill I am great at is drawing but artistic careers are known to be extremely unstable, and unlike the US, there isn't a booming animation industry in my country. I don't know where I'm going with this and I hope that I'll meet the right people at the right time just like your friend did. Thank you for your suggestions (and thank you for caring)

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

oh, it's fine if you take time to recover! even better if you find something keeping you busy :)
I do care when I hear a younger person feeling insecure for his future. It's normal and it shows that you are mature and understanding the need of becoming independent and self-sufficient.
If you were more into scientific stuff I could have helped a bit more.
I was interested in art too and pushed toward scientific studies by parents and their belief that one should separate work from hobbies.
It's not generally wrong or right.
It's true that some careers are more risky than others. Anyway talents can grow only from passion and enthusiasm for the job.
Whichever career you follow, you will have to make some effort if you want to get interesting assignments and not routine work. And the more interesting stuff you get, the higher is the responsibility and the amount of work.

My advice is to look forward, above the other students. Know where you are going and where you want to go.
Will you be a teacher? Will you be working abroad in an animation studio?
Collect information on what you need to get there, what will make you more special than others (as working as student for a small studio, ..).
You can try to achieve those goals while you are still studying.
Connect with the right people in internet (that pursued your same career) and get advices from them.

When you will start working, for some works it's good to have graduated with high marks but it's equally good (if not more) to have already a curricula (with real job experiences and real achievements that can qualify you as more than a student).

 

[sopwithcamel]

oh, it's fine if you take time to recover! even better if you find something keeping you busy :)
I do care when I hear a younger person feeling insecure for his future. It's normal and it shows that you are mature and understanding the need of becoming independent and self-sufficient.
If you were more into scientific stuff I could have helped a bit more.
I was interested in art too and pushed toward scientific studies by parents and their belief that one should separate work from hobbies.
It's not generally wrong or right.
It's true that some careers are more risky than others. Anyway talents can grow only from passion and enthusiasm for the job.
Whichever career you follow, you will have to make some effort if you want to get interesting assignments and not routine work. And the more interesting stuff you get, the higher is the responsibility and the amount of work.

My advice is to look forward, above the other students. Know where you are going and where you want to go.
Will you be a teacher? Will you be working abroad in an animation studio?
Collect information on what you need to get there, what will make you more special than others (as working as student for a small studio, ..).
You can try to achieve those goals while you are still studying.
Connect with the right people in internet (that pursued your same career) and get advices from them.

When you will start working, for some works it's good to have graduated with high marks but it's equally good (if not more) to have already a curricula (with real job experiences and real achievements that can qualify you as more than a student).

I'm giving myself two years to make a decent portfolio, and I'm not sure if that's the wisest decision but I made a Twitter account specifically for my art and I've gotten a few followers despite starting yesterday. To be honest I wish I was better at scientific subjects (not just math) because it has more concrete applications but I've only had a true passion for art. Thank you for your advice btw there's tons of people I see on Twitter who actually work in the career(s) I'm interested in so I can potentially get advice from them. One thing I wanted to add is we can talk through private messages if you're fine with it

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

sure! private messaging is fine!
Good idea with twitter. Also DeviantArt. Maybe there are even more popular platforms