Venting I just want it to be over.

[opheliaoveragain]

my birthday is in exactly a month (please no birthday wishes, I hate the day)

I hadn't planned to see it, yet certain people here came into my life and I wanted to be there for them. I still want that. I empathize so deeply with so many of you, even if I don't say it on every post.

I knew I would either run after those we've seen go, or pursue work as a death doula.

but tonight is hard. i'm having impulsive thoughts and I know that skews things towards failure which I refuse to go through again.

I feel like even those few that care would get over it, as people do, the world keeps spinning.

all I can think about is the end of my story.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I got my rope out. holding a single thought is hard and nothing is helping. sorry to bump this but I don't have anywhere else to get the words out.

I can see the motions so vividly in my head. that doesn't mean shit. i'm not clear headed enough and I l know it.

I just feel like a burden on everyone.

 

[CatLvr]

You are NEVER a burden. I hate so much that such a kind, caring spirit suffers so. Know I would take your pain in a heartbeat, if it were possible. I'm up for a while (covered in cats, dogs and a snoring husband , not to mention my raging migraine). We can DM if you like.

Show yourself the same empathy and compassion you have for others. (Yes, I know ...) Have you spoken to your guide?? I have been studying shamanic healing -- literally just started so don't know a whole lot yet. I will butcher the guy's name so let me go look real quick and get the name of the book recommended to me by a sister ... Brb ...
The Four Insights by Alberto Villoldo

 

[opheliaoveragain]

honestly I feel worse today. I don't know how to do this anymore.

 

[notausgang]

honestly I feel worse today. I don't know how to do this anymore.

I'm so sorry for you!❤

 

[CatLvr]

honestly I feel worse today. I don't know how to do this anymore.

Oh Ophelia, I am so sorry! My heart breaks for you. Know you have a special place on my altar and in my heart. My DMs are ALWAYS open. I will light another candle for you. May the spirits guide, keep and comfort you. Blessed be, my dear.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

it's night again. I knew my partner wasn't gonna wanna see me after my outburst (panic attack re ctb / sh) ruining their night last night and prevented them from doing something they wanted to. I feel abandoned. which is a core trauma I don't see a way out of.

I have my anchor point. it's just about kicking the stool. I feel hopeless and alone. i'm sorry.

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm so sorry friend. If you need anyone to talk to then I'm here. I sincerely hope you can know your peace one day.

 

[willitpass]

I wish I had more words to say, my head is rather clouded right now myself. But I'm so sorry you're hurting. You've always been such a kind, caring person towards me in my struggles. I know my words only mean so much, but I appreciate your kindness. I wish I could ease your pain. I hope you find some sort of respite soon. I hope you can find your peace earth side somehow, but I understand the desperation. Sending hugs.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I wish I had more words to say, my head is rather clouded right now myself. But I'm so sorry you're hurting. You've always been such a kind, caring person towards me in my struggles. I know my words only mean so much, but I appreciate your kindness. I wish I could ease your pain. I hope you find some sort of respite soon. I hope you can find your peace earth side somehow, but I understand the desperation. Sending hugs.

they count for a lot. that goes for everyone that's dm'd me, replied, reacted and so on. thank you to every single person. i'm not sure how tonight is going to play out. my head isn't clear, I wanna take every pill in my house and hang. but again, impulsively often leads to failure. which I refuse to do. again.

but tbh my friend, it means a lot coming from you. I identify with a lot that you've gone through and continue to deal with. I have every good wish for you, no matter which way this swings. you've become rather important to me, and I never see these things coming but here they are. sending hugs right back.

 

[thronesick]

youre not a burden for being human and you have no reason to be sorry im writing this now just after writing my note and i think i said im sorry over a dozen times. but sorry for what? for the feelings i cant control—the thoughts i cant combat the plan that seems like the only way out? you have nothing to be sorry over dont apologize for expressing how you feel. im sorry youre going through this but if you plan to ctb please make sure your plan is not impulsive for your sake only because it could give you injuries or brain damage if its done on a whim. sending you love.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

youre not a burden for being human and you have no reason to be sorry im writing this now just after writing my note and i think i said im sorry over a dozen times. but sorry for what? for the feelings i cant control—the thoughts i cant combat the plan that seems like the only way out? you have nothing to be sorry over dont apologize for expressing how you feel. im sorry youre going through this but if you plan to ctb please make sure your plan is not impulsive for your sake only because it could give you injuries or brain damage if its done on a whim. sending you love.

sending love right back. thank you for your words in such a significant time for yourself. i'm here if you'd like to talk.

 

[nomoredolor]

One more day. You can do this for one more day. We love and support you so fucking hard

I want to go tonight too but I am pet sitting the next couple of weeks and can't neglect kitties in my charge. Will you help me bear this pain by staying another day too? I'm sorry if it's shitty for asking but it seems like you want to stay a little longer and the intrusive thoughts are extra intrusive right now

Hugs

Anna

 

[opheliaoveragain]

One more day. You can do this for one more day. We love and support you so fucking hard

I want to go tonight too but I am pet sitting the next couple of weeks and can't neglect kitties in my charge. Will you help me bear this pain by staying another day too? I'm sorry if it's shitty for asking but it seems like you want to stay a little longer and the intrusive thoughts are extra intrusive right now

Hugs

Anna

it's not shitty. that's compassionate to not want to bail on them. i'm trying so hard to be here. my mind is just on the worst loop. i'll try my best.

 

[thronesick]

sending love right back. thank you for your words in such a significant time for yourself. i'm here if you'd like to talk.

its a bit laughable how we extend empathy on this forum despite bearing own burdens. i feel the need to express how thankful i am for your kind words on my post as you are going through your own battle. wow, thank you for being the person you are. i feel like this weight on my heart to know that youre so selfless and kind yet you believe this falsehood that you are burdening others. i wish you nothing but the best.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

its a bit laughable how we extend empathy on this forum despite bearing own burdens. i feel the need to express how thankful i am for your kind words on my post as you are going through your own battle. wow, thank you for being the person you are. i feel like this weight on my heart to know that youre so selfless and kind yet you believe this falsehood that you are burdening others. i wish you nothing but the best.

I believe everyone deserves every comfort that's doable. I hear you. thank you for those words. they mean a lot. i'm grateful for this community.

 

[rozeske]

I'm sorry you're hurting this much o. I wish it didn't have to be this way for any of us. I too am dreading having to see yet another birthday I was determined of not being around for. Wishing you strength through all of this.

 

[CatLvr]

I sincerely hope today was better. It guts me to consider the alternative. I mean I know why we are ALL here, and it seems so hypocritical to encourage you to stay here when I am actively looking for the right time to go but dammit!

You know how much you mean to me. And you know whatever you decide to do I will support with my last breath -- but fuck me, I wish there was something I could do besides "chat you up". I am so sorry you are hurting like this. I love you. And so do a lot of other people here. Never forget that. You are not alone.

 

[-Link-]

@opheliaoveragain I'm kind of lacking the capacity to say what I'd probably like to say right now. But, try to go easier on yourself as far as this "burden" thing. You've said and done a lot of good for a lot of people here, and that counts for a lot, especially in a community like this one.

I hope this gets better for you very soon, or, you know, at least "less intolerable". Sending you strength and positive vibes and wishing you well as can be in getting through this.