Venting I just want held

[willitpass]

As my emotional dam broke today and I've been crying on and off… All I want is to be held. I want to crawl into my dad's lap like a little kid and be held. I want to cry into his shoulder and have him rub my back like he did with so many break downs years ago before I stopped telling him I was sick because all it did was hurt him. I was to hug my old stuffed animal. I want someone to tell me it's gonna be okay even if it's a fucking lie. I've been holding it together as best as I can. I've been an adult and methodical and planned things out with pure strategy for long enough. Today I'm breaking down like a 5 year old little girl. I want to be held and watch a Disney movie and have my back rubbed and be taken care of. And I can't. That's the worst fucking part. Suicide means I can't break down to anyone. If I'm anything but cool and calm and put together I risk the truth coming out and everything being stripped away from me. I don't even live near my dad. I can't get even a simple hug from him again before I die. I won't get human contact again in my life.

 

[Hero Remeer]

I felt the same recently, I was very afraid, terrified, I needed someone's hug and company, after an event I discovered that my "strength" was indifference towards myself and around me, especially when faced with pain.
What I did was call people who at one time I had stopped contacting and I spoke to them on the phone, it didn't solve the issue, but it relieved me to talk to them and discover more about them through my suffering and sensitivity, which I still have.
My issue has not been resolved, it is progressing, I have faith in it.
I'm sorry to tell you so much, with this I want to tell you that we are not alone, many times we have family and friends who could always help us, and this has surprised me that I decided to live in solitude, ... as life is.
I hope that something of what I wrote to you can help you with what you are going through, because we really need a hug, a refuge in which to be.
I read your status and I can't think of what else to say
Regards, a hug, be well

 

[CatLvr]

I may not be able to physically hold you but know, wherever you are, in this life or the next, I got you kiddo. Here's my virtual hug. I won't let go until you are where you belong. I promise.

 

[Hotsackage]

Lost my dad this year, its a void that can't be filled but there are people there for you, most of us here are.

 

[willitpass]

I just want to be little again, drinking hot chocolate while watching looking out the window on a snow day, cartoons playing on the TV. My childhood was ripped from me at a very young age, but there was still a time when I had some innocence left. I still believed the world as a whole was good even after what had happened to me. I wanna be her again.

I wanna be little again. My brother and I outside the day after it rained, digging up worms to keep in a bucket. We were so convinced we could start a worm farm with just some dirt and water and a bucket. It didn't last long, but we were so ready to do it. I want that part of me back. The part of me with hope and dreams and innocence, even if it wasn't as much innocence as I should have had.

 

[nir]

I just want to be little again, drinking hot chocolate while watching looking out the window on a snow day, cartoons playing on the TV. My childhood was ripped from me at a very young age, but there was still a time when I had some innocence left. I still believed the world as a whole was good even after what had happened to me. I wanna be her again.

I wanna be little again. My brother and I outside the day after it rained, digging up worms to keep in a bucket. We were so convinced we could start a worm farm with just some dirt and water and a bucket. It didn't last long, but we were so ready to do it. I want that part of me back. The part of me with hope and dreams and innocence, even if it wasn't as much innocence as I should have had.

I'm so sorry. I wish you could go back, too.

 

[willitpass]

The grocery store we went to growing up would always give cookies to little kids at the bakery. We always started off our grocery runs at the bakery getting a cookie for me and my brother and sister, even though she was a bit too old. I never minded the days it was oatmeal raisin, even though no one else in my family liked them.

When I was young enough to sit in the seat of the cart my dad would push the cart and let go so I would just ride away from him. I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

We didn't buy pool toys. We didn't have the money. My dad would give my brother and I a penny when we went to the pool. We would toss it out to the bottom of the deep and race each other to find it. It kept us entertained for hours.

 

[willitpass]

I went sneaking through my parents closet when I was 5 or so right before Christmas. They never taught us to believe in Santa or anything of the sort, so I knew the presents would be in their room somewhere. It was the last year they were still together. I found where they were hiding the presents. It was obvious which one was mine. I felt so guilty, like I had committed some massive sin by peaking. I tried to get myself to forget what it was for days, even though that isn't really possible. I thought I would get in trouble if they knew, so when I opened it on Christmas day I acted surprised. I was a horrible liar, so it was probably a horrible acting job, but I thought I was being slick. What'd Id give to go back to a time when that was my biggest worry.

 

[Pluto]