Help I just want attention. How do I deal with this.

[internetgrime]

I'm sure other people understand what I mean, but a lot of my ideation comes from the desire to know people care and to see how they'd react if I really did ctb. Obviously if I actually died I couldn't do that, so a lot of my ctb thoughts are about "attempting" without the intent of dying, which I know is super bad and toxic, but like, how do I stop feeling this way? And am I an awful person for it?

 

[SilentSadness]

You're not an awful person for wanting to feel loved or noticed, it's really awful that you have to consider ctb just to feel that way. It sounds like the only way to change your feelings is to have someone who really loves you, sadly love is a rare commodity in this world in which most people are motivated by selfish and shallow desires. If ctb was accessible, maybe people would stop treating others so poorly. Unfortunately, I can't help you as no one cares for me much either, but I hope you can find the peace you need.

 

[internetgrime]

You're not an awful person for wanting to feel loved or noticed, it's really awful that you have to consider ctb just to feel that way. It sounds like the only way to change your feelings is to have someone who really loves you, sadly love is a rare commodity in this world in which most people are motivated by selfish and shallow desires. If ctb was accessible, maybe people would stop treating others so poorly. Unfortunately, I can't help you as no one cares for me much either, but I hope you can find the peace you need.

I have friends that love me, but I just... I don't know, I need them to know how much I'm struggling and know they care you know. I'm sorry you feel the same way, I wish you the best *hug*

 

[FuneralCry]

There is the fact that attempting an obviously non fatal method could just lead to more suffering and damage, and I doubt that people would really care anyway, most people are so self centred and concerned with their own existences. Unfortunately it's just the way that people are but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Aisley]

I'm sure other people understand what I mean, but a lot of my ideation comes from the desire to know people care and to see how they'd react if I really did ctb. Obviously if I actually died I couldn't do that, so a lot of my ctb thoughts are about "attempting" without the intent of dying, which I know is super bad and toxic, but like, how do I stop feeling this way? And am I an awful person for it?

Do you want your friends to care about you more or less, or the same amount, as you care about them? We can only ever be the center of our own personal universes. So how many of your friends do you think are struggling with suicidal ideation? I would bet money that at least one of them is. These are struggles that go under the radar for the most part, and for good reason in this current system. All of those random thoughts of mine aside, we are selfish creatures. We need to be to survive. No one will ever care about you the way you want. No one will ever put you at the center of their universe. And if someone ever did, you would suffocate from it. From the scrutiny, lack of privacy, the pressure, your own words thrown back at you verbatim at the worst, most inconvienient times, lol. Lower your expectations of the universe, and rely on yourself.

 

[BloatedGloater]

My only idea is to get yourself admitted to hospital, and explain to friends and family that you're close with that you went in for treatment for suicidal ideation.
Their reaction to the thought of you wanting to commit suicide should let you know who cares for- and loves you, and who doesn't.
While in treatment you can also learn new ways to cope with your CTB ideation and potentially some "healthier" (for the lack of a better term) outlets.

 

[internetgrime]

Lower your expectations of the universe, and rely on yourself.

If I had expectations I wouldn't be considering attempting over it lmao.

So how many of your friends do you think are struggling with suicidal ideation? I would bet money that at least one of them is.

Yeah I know like half of my friends are struggling with suicidal ideation too. I know these thoughts are selfish. Effectively saying get over it and stop caring what other people do doesn't stop those thoughts

There is the fact that attempting an obviously non fatal method could just lead to more suffering and damage, and I doubt that people would really care anyway, most people are so self centred and concerned with their own existences. Unfortunately it's just the way that people are but anyway I wish you the best.

Yeah I know it would probably end badly, but I just can't kick the thought

My only idea is to get yourself admitted to hospital, and explain to friends and family that you're close with that you went in for treatment for suicidal ideation.
Their reaction to the thought of you wanting to commit suicide should let you know who cares for- and loves you, and who doesn't.
While in treatment you can also learn new ways to cope with your CTB ideation and potentially some "healthier" (for the lack of a better term) outlets.

Yeah... I've considered it but I don't have insurance and worry about my mother kicking me out over it, saying that it made her look bad or getting mad at me about it

 

[Himalayan]

Site is +18 sir.

 

[internetgrime]

Site is my 18 sir.

Pardon?

Site is +18 sir.

I'm 21. I don't know what about my post made you think I was a child but that seems rather condescending.

 

[Pluto]

Yeah... I've considered it but I don't have insurance and worry about my mother kicking me out over it, saying that it made her look bad or getting mad at me about it

There's no shame in wanting validation. Almost everybody does; the good side of this website is an opportunity to be validated by others who understand. Also, being brutally honest, as you are, is an essential quality to avoid getting stuck. The real trouble comes when people want attention but refuse to admit it.

The above quote is a red flag that you've experienced narcissistic parenting. This is a very serious issue and it's important to be aware that you are in an emotionally unsafe environment. It also means that we've missed out on some normal childhood development and need to get support with that. Otherwise, the danger is that we could experience further abuse in adult relationships.

Narcissistic Mother: Tips to Cope with Narcissism in Parents

It's important for children to feel like they are seen and heard by their loved ones as they grow up. However, children who grow up with narcissistic mothers are denied these emotional security blankets.

cbtpsychology.com

 

[aniara]

Remember that you are inside your own head, every minute of every day, hearing 100% of your own thoughts. To you, you are obviously in immense pain because all you're thinking about all day long is your suffering, but to those around you they are seeing such a small percentage, if anything at all, of your pain. It's like an iceberg. You think that catching the bus would make the entire iceberg visible at once to everyone. Truthfully no one really knows exactly how anyone will react to someone they know catching the bus, as you said. Let's say you did hypothetically CTB and everyone knew. What would you want to happen from that? How would you want people to feel or react, I'm curious