Venting I just received my SN. I thought I would be relieved but I'm so damn anxious...

[illAF]

At the beginning I was anxious because I was afraid that someone else than me would pick up the package and ask me about it. But fortunately, i was the one receptionning the delivery girl (could have been my roomates...).

But anxiety stayed with me. I even have nightmares. I really thought it would be a relief to know I can go whenever i want now. But my fucking anxious brain plays tricks with me.... I don't really understand why.

I think I'm really scared of death. And there's also the fact that I'm starting to think SN is not as peaceful as i thought it was (never thought it was completely peaceful but reading some experiences on failed attempts made me scared).

But why does the fact of having SN in my room makes me anxious in itself ? I don't know, I'm lost, tired, sick of myself.

 

[Yaffle]

I understand. Not everyone here wants to die, some of us just don't want to live.

I don't have method in hand but imagine I would have mixed and anxious thoughts if I did.

I'm not scared of death, it's the dying that scares me.

 

[eLdus]

I'm not scared of death, it's the dying that scares me.

Exactly the same for me

 

[illAF]

I understand. Not everyone here wants to die, some of us just don't want to live.

I don't have method in hand but imagine I would have mixed and anxious thoughts if I did.

I'm not scared of death, it's the dying that scares me.

Yeah, exactly the same. It's the dying process that scares me.

But ironically, now I would like to take it impulsively, like right now. But I know how terrible this idea is without the regimen and preparation.

I think I'm more an "impulsive" suicidal type. SN is complicated as you have to think a lot before. But all my impulsive attempts failed... So... I'm stuck.

 

[UKscotty]

You are in the right place. You won't find judgement if you decide to stick around.

Suicide is always a last resort - when all other avenues fail, even then it's incredibly hard to overcome the SI.

Here you will find pro-choice support, there are only a tiny handful who are pro-suicide/pro-death often people who have been here for many years.

 

[dinosavr]

I've noticed some people here who had similar experience, myself included. Right after receiving SN I felt anxious and even though all the time before I was sure I wanted to have it, all of a sudden it was scary.
But remember it's completely okay to feel overwhelmed! Even for suicidal people, very often death is a huge deal. It's the only thing in the world that everyone has to experience and there is no guide, no book about it, nothing. Everyone has to go alone and experience it alone. It's completely normal that it's scary. Please take your time, don't rush into anything. If you're feeling emotional, it's better to let it stay for a while in your closet or wherever until you decide to use it or throw it away. You having it doesn't mean anything yet, you don't have to worry.

 

[illAF]

Thank you @UKscotty and @dinosavr for these kind words. Yes, I am definitively in the right place <3

 

[J&L383]

Yes, it makes total sense. We are programmed to survive more or less at all costs. No one really wants to die, some of us just don't want to live if it means living with whatever the burdens are that we're dealing with, (physical or psychological or spiritual). Having the means to cause your own death is antagonizing that part of you that wants to "live no matter what." I haven't assembled anything yet to myself, because I suspect I will feel the same way. It's anxious enough just knowing that I can get something if I want to get it!

 

[illAF]

Yes, it makes total sense. We are programmed to survive more or less at all costs. No one really wants to die, some of us just don't want to live if it means living with whatever the burdens are that we're dealing with, (physical or psychological or spiritual). Having the means to cause your own death is antagonizing that part of you that wants to "live no matter what." I haven't assembled anything yet to myself, because I suspect I will feel the same way. It's anxious enough just knowing that I can get something if I want to get it!

Yeah, clearly, we are programmed to survive, not to die. And i'm quite sure that if I haven't had the burdens I have and if I could have a "real" life, I would not want to end it. But it is a real shame that when we KNOW we need to end our life because it has became completely unbearable, it is so hard to actually end it....

 

[Thanksforeverything]

I'm probably going to receive my SN in a day or two based on the tracking. But as much as I think that it'll give me some peace of mind, I completely understand you. There are times when I realize that I'm really about to go through with my plans and I start having second thoughts. How much am I going to hurt my family and friends? How many things am I going to miss because I won't be here for them? These thoughts are perfectly natural.

Consider that bottle of SN your last resort, an insurance of sorts, and go on about life. Think of what you really want. It's often the moments when we're closest to death that let us contextualize how we really view our lives.

 

[illAF]

I'm probably going to receive my SN in a day or two based on the tracking. But as much as I think that it'll give me some peace of mind, I completely understand you. There are times when I realize that I'm really about to go through with my plans and I start having second thoughts. How much am I going to hurt my family and friends? How many things am I going to miss because I won't be here for them? These thoughts are perfectly natural.

Consider that bottle of SN your last resort, an insurance of sorts, and go on about life. Think of what you really want. It's often the moments when we're closest to death that let us contextualize how we really view our lives.

That is completely well said. Thank you. I do hope that receiving your SN will give you some peace of mind.
Also, I'm drunk right now. So I'm sorry if my answers are not so developed. Being drunk + not being an english native speaker might diminish what I would like to say, sorry....