Venting I just ordered my SN and...

[memataporfavor]

I just ordered my SN online and Idk if it was a good idea.... I've been idealizing and planning ctbing for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time... but I made a promise not to leave...
I know I'm an impulsive person, and I could not resist buying it. I've been dreaming about attempting all the time now. Slitting my wrists (i know its useless, but still), saving meds, etc.) But my main goal is SN and now when it arrives the temptation it will be so near me...
Most of the time I cannot stand being alive. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, I feel unwelcome wherever I go. It's like I never get a chance to be alone, my fucking family is always haunting me. My mom has bpd just like me but she doesnt treat it and she's old which means she can get really aggressive for little reasons... she's really crazy sometimes and makes me feel useless for being 21 and still living with her (I'm at college, I cant find a half time job where I live) and my "father" despises me.
I have almost no one. I'm tired, I wish I could be alone. I cannot be alone. I want to disappear. I could not resist buying the SN. I'm looking foward for it's arrival.
But If I ctb, I'll hurt my lover. I dont want him to suffer. what do I do? Im confused. I can't stand it anymore but I dont want him to suffer. I'm a mess

 

[reapandsow918]

Your family, friends or loved ones mourning after your death is something that we cannot escape. They will miss you terribly, I'm trying to get over that thought before I CTB.

 

[memataporfavor]

Your family, friends or loved ones mourning after your death is something that we cannot escape. They will miss you terribly, I'm trying to get over that thought before I CTB.

It's not that simple... I kinda did a death pact... and I know the other person is in a good place rn... I don't want to be selfish, I love him too much but it hurts to be here, u know?

 

[Ghost2211]

It sounds like you have a very toxic environment. Would it be possible to live with your lover, or find a roommate? My mom was bpd too. It's torture when they have bad cycles . All can really do is find a way to separate yourself since she won't be able to change her behavio.

 

[memataporfavor]

It sounds like you have a very toxic environment. Would it be possible to live with your lover, or find a roommate? My mom was bpd too. It's torture when they have bad cycles . All can really do is find a way to separate yourself since she won't be able to change her behavio.

thats what i've been trying to do, but everything is so messy and complicated... ive got bpd too and am so sensitive to her
as I said, ive got no money, and I didnt want to stop my studies... im so lost... my father ignores me and he would be my hope to gtfo of here ugghh
but youre right you are totally right. IVE GOT TO GET OUT of this shithole
thanks <3

 

[Egddios]

It's not that simple... I kinda did a death pact... and I know the other person is in a good place rn... I don't want to be selfish, I love him too much but it hurts to be here, u know?

I'm alive now in great part because of my partner. I love him so dearly, I don't want to leave him. Shortly after we met, I felt comfortable telling him of my past attempts and current anguish, my loose plans of ending my life. He listens, and damn, he does the best he can with what I tell him. Its not an "easy" situation, though my perspective is, mental health issues can be terminal. I'm deteriorating and he knows it, and neither of us would want the other to suffer. It's ironic, as I live for him.

I don't tell him every single detail, to spare him further heartache, just enough to know I'm winding down.

As another user commented/asked, is it possible to live with your lover?

 

[seho_j]

Same for me, I made a promise not to leave to a friend (at least for a few years), but I've ordered SN already.
It will come next week and I'm so excited about it, makes me think that I might not last that long with it in my possession.

Unlike you, I'm in a very supportive environment but still want to ctb.... I really hope your situation gets better and you won't have to go through with it at all.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I just ordered my SN online and Idk if it was a good idea.... I've been idealizing and planning ctbing for a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG time... but I made a promise not to leave...
I know I'm an impulsive person, and I could not resist buying it. I've been dreaming about attempting all the time now. Slitting my wrists (i know its useless, but still), saving meds, etc.) But my main goal is SN and now when it arrives the temptation it will be so near me...
Most of the time I cannot stand being alive. I dont feel comfortable anywhere, I feel unwelcome wherever I go. It's like I never get a chance to be alone, my fucking family is always haunting me. My mom has bpd just like me but she doesnt treat it and she's old which means she can get really aggressive for little reasons... she's really crazy sometimes and makes me feel useless for being 21 and still living with her (I'm at college, I cant find a half time job where I live) and my "father" despises me.
I have almost no one. I'm tired, I wish I could be alone. I cannot be alone. I want to disappear. I could not resist buying the SN. I'm looking foward for it's arrival.
But If I ctb, I'll hurt my lover. I dont want him to suffer. what do I do? Im confused. I can't stand it anymore but I dont want him to suffer. I'm a mess

Hey Love.sorry to hear of ur pain. I'm happy that u r in school n trying to progress n life, but sorry that ppl make it difficult for u..I know u said u have no one, but u mentioned ur partner who would b devastated if u were to ctb, of course. Maybe u can take a semester or few off n get a full time job n rent a room in another area? This way at least u could leave that toxic environment altogether..we r here for u to vent. I'm sending love n peace to u

 

[memataporfavor]

I'm alive now in great part because of my partner. I love him so dearly, I don't want to leave him. Shortly after we met, I felt comfortable telling him of my past attempts and current anguish, my loose plans of ending my life. He listens, and damn, he does the best he can with what I tell him. Its not an "easy" situation, though my perspective is, mental health issues can be terminal. I'm deteriorating and he knows it, and neither of us would want the other to suffer. It's ironic, as I live for him.

I don't tell him every single detail, to spare him further heartache, just enough to know I'm winding down.

As another user commented/asked, is it possible to live with your lover?

In a non distant future it will be possible... I'm supported by my mom, so 'till I find a job or get payed by my dad the money he owes me, I cannot move in with him... But I clinge to the idea that everything will be okay soon enough and we'll live together just like we've been planning

Hey Love.sorry to hear of ur pain. I'm happy that u r in school n trying to progress n life, but sorry that ppl make it difficult for u..I know u said u have no one, but u mentioned ur partner who would b devastated if u were to ctb, of course. Maybe u can take a semester or few off n get a full time job n rent a room in another area? This way at least u could leave that toxic environment altogether..we r here for u to vent. I'm sending love n peace to u

Thank you very much! I'm kinda considering that... I've been sending resumees, but not one single reply... where I live the rate of unemployment is very, very high...
I'll continue trying, tho!

 

[Egddios]

In a non distant future it will be possible... I'm supported by my mom, so 'till I find a job or get payed by my dad the money he owes me, I cannot move in with him... But I clinge to the idea that everything will be okay soon enough and we'll live together just like we've been planning

Thank you very much! I'm kinda considering that... I've been sending resumees, but not one single reply... where I live the rate of unemployment is very, very high...
I'll continue trying, tho!

I'm pulling for you and hoping you're able to move in with your love as soon as can be.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I feel you, I really do.

I'm in a bit better place right now and my need to ctb is definitely less than it was before the holidays, but I can't decide what to do about SN. Part of me is ready to order but I'm also afraid to have it too close in case those urges come back. When I'm feeling the urge to ctb, it's very powerful and I'm not sure I'll be resist if the means are right here. Since I also take quetiapine, I won't even need to wait for meto.

I do have some family stressors and some PTSD from a lifetime of dealing with them. I don't have great social supports since I burned so many bridges when I was unmedicated for my bipolar throughout my teens and twenties. I'm lucky that I'm quite a bit older than you and have my own life separate from them.

I do have a husband who would be devastated if anything happened to me. Knowing his level of despair if I ctb keeps me from doing it most times, but the urge can be so strong that I'm not sure I could override it.

Damn. How does anyone think this decision is easy?

 

[Lostandfound7]

In a non distant future it will be possible... I'm supported by my mom, so 'till I find a job or get payed by my dad the money he owes me, I cannot move in with him... But I clinge to the idea that everything will be okay soon enough and we'll live together just like we've been planning

Thank you very much! I'm kinda considering that... I've been sending resumees, but not one single reply... where I live the rate of unemployment is very, very high...
I'll continue trying, tho!

Yes keep trying my Love!!

 

[memataporfavor]

I feel you, I really do.

I'm in a bit better place right now and my need to ctb is definitely less than it was before the holidays, but I can't decide what to do about SN. Part of me is ready to order but I'm also afraid to have it too close in case those urges come back. When I'm feeling the urge to ctb, it's very powerful and I'm not sure I'll be resist if the means are right here. Since I also take quetiapine, I won't even need to wait for meto.

I do have some family stressors and some PTSD from a lifetime of dealing with them. I don't have great social supports since I burned so many bridges when I was unmedicated for my bipolar throughout my teens and twenties. I'm lucky that I'm quite a bit older than you and have my own life separate from them.

I do have a husband who would be devastated if anything happened to me. Knowing his level of despair if I ctb keeps me from doing it most times, but the urge can be so strong that I'm not sure I could override it.

Damn. How does anyone think this decision is easy?

I rly wish I could have a solution for you, bc then, I'd have an answer for me but when those urges come, think abt your partner and how much you love them and how much they'd suffer without you... maybe that'll make you stop... try going to them or going to a loved one. even if it doesnt feel better at the time, eventually their love will distract you from the self destructive thoughts... or at least their presence will stop you