Venting I just need to vent

[PeacePlease]

Hi everyone and sorry I know there are a lot other posts with a similar tittle.

I have been lurking around for a couple of years now but never posted
I have no close friends irl. I had a girlfriend but she is leaving me, were still friends but I can't really talk depression with her on anyone anyway.


I've had the wish to end this for a long time, and this time I really want to leave. I really don't want to be in this planet anymore but I'm such a coward and so scared I end up brain damaged or something instead of fulfilling what I want.
I really feel trapped between a sword and a wall just drowning in my pain unable to live or be free of this.

I really want to be able to do it this time, I want to be brave, this is the best way I can take care of myself. I wish I could do it this weekend for real and I cant get myself to pull that of.
I'm so tired and desperate, I need to gather the strength for this.

I also run a slightly successful YouTube channel and the comunity is so supportive and always expecting and asking for new content and I would feel sorry leaving that but I've lived so many years in this condition, I really want to find peace.
I wish something could end this pain

 

[whywere]

1st off, you are a family member here and you are loved and cared about here 100%. You are a very strong and talented person, I have looked at Youtube and , me heck no, I would never have anyone wanting to see anything that I could make, so you are talented hands down. Please try and remember that you have your entire global family here that loves and cares about YOU. I am older, saying that aspect only because I have been through the mill of life one heck of a lot and I stand with you. You are a talented, loving soul with so, so much to give the world. Sending you lots of huge hugs, smiles and a upcoming beautiful sunny weekend!!! Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can be painful, I can relate, I know how tiring it is. Damage from an attempt is what holds me back as well, I would love to just fall into an eternal sleep. I wish you well, finding peace is what I want too.

 

[PeacePlease]

1st off, you are a family member here and you are loved and cared about here 100%. You are a very strong and talented person, I have looked at Youtube and , me heck no, I would never have anyone wanting to see anything that I could make, so you are talented hands down. Please try and remember that you have your entire global family here that loves and cares about YOU. I am older, saying that aspect only because I have been through the mill of life one heck of a lot and I stand with you. You are a talented, loving soul with so, so much to give the world. Sending you lots of huge hugs, smiles and a upcoming beautiful sunny weekend!!! Walter

Thank you so much walter, what you said is so kind. its good to know this is like a family. Hope you have a sunny weekend too!

Existing can be painful, I can relate, I know how tiring it is. Damage from an attempt is what holds me back as well, I would love to just fall into an eternal sleep. I wish you well, finding peace is what I want

I know right? For me that short period of time when you're about to wake up and before being fully conscious sometimes feels so peaceful. I always think how nice it would be to just sleep in peace and never wake up again, a lot of times I sleep to that tought.

 

[PeacePlease]

Hi Again,

I think I´m going to try to attemp tonight and/or tomorrow. I really want this to work
or maybe I will just get all coward I don´t know.
I wrote letters for my family and instructions on how to manage my belongings.

I feel so hartbroken thinking this can fail :(

 

[Sebuet]

Hi Again,

I think I´m going to try to attemp tonight and/or tomorrow. I really want this to work
or maybe I will just get all coward I don´t know.
I wrote letters for my family and instructions on how to manage my belongings.

I feel so hartbroken thinking this can fail :(

I hope you can finally find peace. You're not a coward, facing death on your own terms is a very brave thing to do. Admitting you're afraid of it is also brave.

What's your method if you don't mind me asking?

 

[PeacePlease]

I hope you can finally find peace. You're not a coward, facing death on your own terms is a very brave thing to do. Admitting you're afraid of it is also brave.

What's your method if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks a lot for your kind words,

I hope I can do partial suspension, it seems to be the quickest rigth now. I was also thinking about carbon monoxide but Im not sure because I have 3 cats and I don't want them to accidentally die with me.

 

[ummwhaaat]

Best of luck to you. I tried partial suspension about half a year ago and came close but I failed unfortunately. Just be aware that in the event that you fail it may show physically (for me, my eyes were bloodshot for a few days, and my face was purple/blue for a week). I didn't have to see anyone for that whole week because of COVID but it would definitely have raised some questions if I did.

 

[PeacePlease]

Best of luck to you. I tried partial suspension about half a year ago and came close but I failed unfortunately. Just be aware that in the event that you fail it may show physically (for me, my eyes were bloodshot for a few days, and my face was purple/blue for a week). I didn't have to see anyone for that whole week because of COVID but it would definitely have raised some questions if I did.

Thank you, I will take that into account

may I ask why did it failed?

 

[ummwhaaat]

Thank you, I will take that into account

may I ask why did it failed?

I dont really remember exactly what happened. When I leaned into the noose it went black in what felt like 10-15 seconds, but then somehow I was standing up and I was in a very confused state so I loosened the noose and took it off. It's very effective if you don't end up standing up, but I dont know how to prevent that, because I was definitely fully committed to going through with it.
Personally I won't try partial again, but that's mostly because I can't really get away with another failed attempt because someone will most likely notice. Also I suppose there's some risk of brain damage.

 

[PeacePlease]

I dont really remember exactly what happened. When I leaned into the noose it went black in what felt like 10-15 seconds, but then somehow I was standing up and I was in a very confused state so I loosened the noose and took it off. It's very effective if you don't end up standing up, but I dont know how to prevent that, because I was definitely fully committed to going through with it.
Personally I won't try partial again, but that's mostly because I can't really get away with another failed attempt because someone will most likely notice. Also I suppose there's some risk of brain damage.

That scares me now, the last thing I want to do is fail. I will be alone for the rest of the week though, but the brain damage is one of the things I fear the most. For the the CO plan I was thinking of shutting my cats out in the balcony, but I'm scared that if it rains they might get wet and it also has brain damage risk. I just wish this was easier.

 

[PeacePlease]

I was trying to test if I could do partial in my closet , I pulled the metalic tube that holds the clothes to check if it could support my weight and it all came off ): Now I'm out of spots and also have a broken closet.

I'm in so much pain right now I don't know how to escape, I have so much anxiety and fear that my legs tremble and Im in dread. I don't want to call people and ask for help anymore because I always do this I'm pretty sure I have bpd, and every conversation ends up with me in tears and drama and me demanding attention. The few close people I have, have told me they love but they are exhausted and they don't know what else to do about me, my ex girlfriend was the sweetest but all this killed the love she had for me and now she has someone else, I'm totally aware thIs is my fault she was very comprehensive towards me buy even I know I a heavy burden for everyone and I want he to be happy. I am tired of my own selfishness I try so desperately to feel loved and approved that I hurt people and asphyxiate them, the impulse to fill the void is so toxic that I end up forgetting that they also have needs. I Always say I wont do it again but I lose control and end up lashing out in people again. With all my heart I'm totally aware of this, I totally recognize I'm the monster here, I don't want to be like this and I don't know how to stop it i have lived with this pain since childhood. I just want to be free of this and free people from me. Diying scares me but I don't want to live like this anymore, I feel like I don't have any others option.