Hello I'm 20 years old female. I want to vent. While my head is still racing. In the only place I have to talk. I have no friends.
When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my dad and brother. My mom fakes being me on her social media and tried to pay grown men 50+ years old to pick me up. When I was a kid until now. She's still doing it.
i didn't grow up with my sisters they were taken away by CPS.
My mom wanted me to be skinny and forced her diets on me because she was overweight. I went from 150 pounds at 15 to 88 pounds at 16-17 years old. I was admitted to a mental hospital and put on pills to gain weight and my hunger back. My brother used to beat me for no reason. Grab my hair and throw me down, throw me across the room. I was never allowed to tell CPS what happened and when I started to, they got family counseling and my dad said I lied. My dad told me i was fat, he didn't care if I died and used to scream at me when I was 5 years old until now about me being a slut.
my dad is now mentally declining. He has bipolar and he's not stable. I cry because I wish my parents loved me. And it upsets my fiancé.
why would I want them to care if they hurt me. Idk either. I just want someone to hold me.
i was sexually abused by my bfs in my teen years. I was called fat in school. I left that town and moved.And I was sexually assault right after. and when I told someone I was friends with they laughed.
I was in a mall in the food court when someone starting shooting it up.
it made me think of my dad when he used to shoot guns and scare me.
I immediately grabbed my sister and ran as fast as I could with the group of scared people. Down the stairs. I didn't even remember what I said. It was all reactionary. What scared me
Is I heard them load the gun. I kept checking over my shoulder. I was telling my sister I loved her. That I wish I was there when we were kids and then the next second I'm holding her hand dragging her with me.
And now my fiancé is having a hard time with my counseling and my medications. My severe C-PTSD.
I cry so much. But lately I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I've wanted peace for so long. I have not laid a hand on anyone to hurt them. I don't even say anything mean. I take every hit everyone in my life has given me.
i sit here and this past week I been mad.
my entire life I have never cried from my trauma. I never get mad or sad. I am numb. But this week I been sobbing my heart out. I been trying to hold things. I been trying to understand. What have I done to anger god?
why am I being punished.
why am I being tormented.
This week has showed me. No matter what I do for everyone. Give all my money. Buy them what they need. Be a shoulder to cry on.
ill be selfish to them.
I'm crazy to them.
I'm mean to them.
im overthinking it
I'm not serious
I'm wanting attention.
I want it all to stop today. Tonight.
idk if this is a goodbye. But everytime I get the feeling to kill myself I think of the gun shots
I think of my dad yelling at me until I pee myself at 17 years old
I think of my mom trying to get old men to pick me up
I think of
My brother dragging me down the hallway by my
Hair and my mom and dad telling me to not call 911
I think of when I told my mom my dad molested me in front of her and she sat there and didn't do anything.
Of when I told her my brother molested me and she didn't say anything
The pain in my heart when I am sick and depressed but I still clean the house for my fiancé.
when I help my roomate because he's sick
But I had a fever and was sick and he woke
Me up when I couldn't sleep for a week to help him.
How no one ever says thank you. How no one ever told me
I'm doing good. How it's always me. I'm the issue. I have no problems. They have bigger emotional problems. I'm using my disorders as a crutch.
I'm done. I'm fully done. No more crying. If I'm that unwanted I'll go.
to my mom with severe BPD who told me when I was 10that no one will care when she dies
This is for you.
to dad. This is for you.
this is what everyone wanted.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough of what
You wanted me to be.
and sorry to my fiancé.
When I was a kid I was sexually abused by my dad and brother. My mom fakes being me on her social media and tried to pay grown men 50+ years old to pick me up. When I was a kid until now. She's still doing it.
i didn't grow up with my sisters they were taken away by CPS.
My mom wanted me to be skinny and forced her diets on me because she was overweight. I went from 150 pounds at 15 to 88 pounds at 16-17 years old. I was admitted to a mental hospital and put on pills to gain weight and my hunger back. My brother used to beat me for no reason. Grab my hair and throw me down, throw me across the room. I was never allowed to tell CPS what happened and when I started to, they got family counseling and my dad said I lied. My dad told me i was fat, he didn't care if I died and used to scream at me when I was 5 years old until now about me being a slut.
my dad is now mentally declining. He has bipolar and he's not stable. I cry because I wish my parents loved me. And it upsets my fiancé.
why would I want them to care if they hurt me. Idk either. I just want someone to hold me.
i was sexually abused by my bfs in my teen years. I was called fat in school. I left that town and moved.And I was sexually assault right after. and when I told someone I was friends with they laughed.
I was in a mall in the food court when someone starting shooting it up.
it made me think of my dad when he used to shoot guns and scare me.
I immediately grabbed my sister and ran as fast as I could with the group of scared people. Down the stairs. I didn't even remember what I said. It was all reactionary. What scared me
Is I heard them load the gun. I kept checking over my shoulder. I was telling my sister I loved her. That I wish I was there when we were kids and then the next second I'm holding her hand dragging her with me.
And now my fiancé is having a hard time with my counseling and my medications. My severe C-PTSD.
I cry so much. But lately I feel as if I can't do this anymore. I've wanted peace for so long. I have not laid a hand on anyone to hurt them. I don't even say anything mean. I take every hit everyone in my life has given me.
i sit here and this past week I been mad.
my entire life I have never cried from my trauma. I never get mad or sad. I am numb. But this week I been sobbing my heart out. I been trying to hold things. I been trying to understand. What have I done to anger god?
why am I being punished.
why am I being tormented.
This week has showed me. No matter what I do for everyone. Give all my money. Buy them what they need. Be a shoulder to cry on.
ill be selfish to them.
I'm crazy to them.
I'm mean to them.
im overthinking it
I'm not serious
I'm wanting attention.
I want it all to stop today. Tonight.
idk if this is a goodbye. But everytime I get the feeling to kill myself I think of the gun shots
I think of my dad yelling at me until I pee myself at 17 years old
I think of my mom trying to get old men to pick me up
I think of
My brother dragging me down the hallway by my
Hair and my mom and dad telling me to not call 911
I think of when I told my mom my dad molested me in front of her and she sat there and didn't do anything.
Of when I told her my brother molested me and she didn't say anything
The pain in my heart when I am sick and depressed but I still clean the house for my fiancé.
when I help my roomate because he's sick
But I had a fever and was sick and he woke
Me up when I couldn't sleep for a week to help him.
How no one ever says thank you. How no one ever told me
I'm doing good. How it's always me. I'm the issue. I have no problems. They have bigger emotional problems. I'm using my disorders as a crutch.
I'm done. I'm fully done. No more crying. If I'm that unwanted I'll go.
to my mom with severe BPD who told me when I was 10that no one will care when she dies
This is for you.
to dad. This is for you.
this is what everyone wanted.
I'm sorry I wasn't enough of what
You wanted me to be.
and sorry to my fiancé.
