goodbye-to-a-world
watching the water unfold
- Dec 18, 2025
- 24
Feel free to ignore. This is absurdly long. I just need it out of my space.
I just need to say this and face it. It's in my head and I know the truth, but I just need it actually out of me somewhere that isn't just an extension of my own head.
I have a problem and I'm struggling. I have a horrendous dependence on/addiction to Benadryl. It's honestly less of an addiction/dependence and more of just a really bad habit I lean way too much on to escape. It isn't for a high, just to let me sleep through the mental anguish. Bad day? Benadryl. Tense situation? Benadryl. Rough news? Benadryl. It isn't just through Benadryl proper, but also Tylenol PM. Copious, EXTREME doseages of Tylenol PM. In more recent years I've even begun mixing them. Very bad, I'm aware...
It's only gotten worse after I accidentally overdosed two years ago. Once I figured out that potassium was the fix, it was just a green light to go again after the initial scare. Things go wonky after taking Benadryl one too many times in a day? Get a Gatorade and chill out on it for a day or two. Then you're good to go. It did land me in the hospital again last year (thought not directly, but through a reaction with a medication caused by my lowered potassium from over-usage), and I again stepped back. Lasted until my tolerance got back to a normal amount (two to three causing drowsiness). This most recent break was because we ran out and I was hoping that not having any choice but to go without would help break the cycle. I was naïve. As soon as we got more I was at it again, as always holding myself to "restraint and moderation". This week I've taken more than ever. My usual rule was to never go above six in any combination of Tylenol PM and Benadryl, and only yesterday did I realize that I'd gotten up to EIGHT. My tolerance was so high that even that was barely working. It's a horrible feeling at that high a dose but I can't stop doing it. My mind knows it makes no sense, my body hates it, and I want to stop, especially because I'm no longer insured and my last hospital visit was $8000 before it (and I still currently owe $800 after), but it's like it's automatic. My brain keeps justifying it, "last time"-ing it and it never is and I know that, but I still take them anyway. This isn't even taking into account the follow-up doses I take until I feel sufficiently sleepy enough when I'm between tolerance levels. Who knows how many I truly take a day.
Anyway, I'm wrecking myself with this shit. I don't want permanent damage but I'm scared I'm too late. The Tylenol is destroying my liver and I can feel the mental effects of the Benadryl when it comes to things like my immediate memory or trying to find words to use. Not to mention the fluctuating potassium levels are probably fucking my heart among other things. I developed anemia and I believe it to be from my chronic Tylenol usage. Very TMI but what comes from my intestines is abnormal and absolutely G N A R L Y, and not in the fun cool KATSEYE way, unfortunately. It's been like this for a while and so far, I've seemed to show minimal damage, at least according to my last blood test from my last hospitalization in October. But now I'm sitting here, once again waging war with my mind to quit once and for all after a day of particularly aggressive reactions and fallout after I had some Tylenol PM this morning (a gas-like pain that traveled my upper right back that I'd never experienced before (I've experienced slight side aches before and lay off when I feel them if my pain is manageable but nothing like that) and very small chest pains in one specific area coming in waves every 5-30 minutes– still occuring even as I type this out, unfortunately).
I really need this to be over. I need to be free from this. I feel so stupid for letting things get this bad and I feel even stupider for not just being able to drop it. I know I'm susceptible to addiction being autistic and having family history. I struggle with sugar too. A big issue is living with my mom. She's both cause and effect in this issue. A lot of my most stressful and negative thoughts are about her, and we often butt heads in ways that leave me overwhelmed and even more distraught. She also is the one constantly buying Benadryl and Tylenol PM in massive quantities. I did originally take them as directed for their intended purposes, but it spiraled out of control during the pandemic as my main coping mechanism for my physical pain and my severe allergies as well as mental struggles exacerbated by a shitty personal situation I couldn't escape (in part caused by her, but I won't get into too many specifics. Tldr - my mom and aunt allowed someone I was highly uncomfortable with and actively voiced concerns about to stay in our house and I basically isolated in my room riddled with anxiety for a few months, only leaving when he was gone or I had no choice and using Benadryl to sleep through him being in the room right next to mine and existing in my space– my concerns were later proven and he was kicked out with police escort after an altercation and property damage). At the time of my first OD, she took everything and I had to ask her for some if I needed any, but after a few months, she eventually loosened up and allowed me to have my own again. I was initially fine before figuring out the aforementioned potassium trick, then it was game over and back to square one. Haven't stopped struggling since, and my mom just doesn't even think about it anymore. I can't tell her to stop buying them, but I also can't just tell her to keep them with her because I know where she keeps them and I know how to get to it and take some without her noticing, it's what I often do when I ask for some when I run out and blow through it because of high dosing and want to get more without having to suspiciously ask again. I don't like that I've done that, but I've got it honest (my mom literally went to prison for prescription forgery lmao). I also just... don't wanna confront her about this, I guess? She and my aunt already worry about me a lot and I also just feel the need to handle it myself since it's personal. I guess I feel like it shouldn't be so hard to let it go too, like I don't need an intervention because I acknowledge what the problem is, but I guess that's my pride talking. I also do need these medications at times (particularly the Tylenol PM– I have debilitating periods and the only thing that helps is sleeping through it, even prescribed medicine didn't help and even if it did, I can't afford it now anyway).
I dunno. I'm just so tired of this cycle of hitting what I think is finally my rock bottom and vowing to free myself and rid myself of this burden and feeling such conviction to get it together... just to fall off again. Sometimes days later, sometimes weeks, but it's never stuck. Now I'm here worrying that I've well and truly fucked myself over in ways irreparable. Trying something new. Keeping a stopwatch on to track how long I've gone without any in hopes to keep me motivated. I had a potassium drink earlier and do feel better generally besides the aforementioned chest twinges, and I really freaking hope that some sleep with have me feeling normal in the morning. I really want this to stick this time. I said this last time too. And before that. And before that. Those feelings have never been untrue. I've never not wanted it to stick. That's not what my relapses meant– that I was insincere in my desire for change or my efforts in service of that. I just don't know how to be stronger or how to get out of my own head. Confronting my thoughts often leads me to spiral and my creature comforts can only drown out the noise so much for so long before my mind resorts to plan b. I genuinely feel like I can't truly heal or better myself so long as I live with my mother, but I have no choice. I have nowhere else to go. Still can't find a job either and with my mental state as touch and go as it is, I'm not even sure I could handle it, same with school.
I'm writing this after a quiet moment where I, in a rare moment (although it always happens in my cycles), didn't want to die. I want to get better. If not live a life, at least not "live" like this. I don't want to be what I am in this moment anymore. I don't want to feel trapped by my own hands anymore. I don't want to smell that stupid smell and fight to breathe after a high dose anymore.
I just needed to put this somewhere beyond my journal. So I'm not just talking to myself anymore. Nothing has changed from having these conversations with myself. I'm hoping this (and the stopwatch) can be the kick in the pants for me. It's not just mine anymore once I hit post, and maybe that's what I need to see it through.
I just need to say this and face it. It's in my head and I know the truth, but I just need it actually out of me somewhere that isn't just an extension of my own head.
I have a problem and I'm struggling. I have a horrendous dependence on/addiction to Benadryl. It's honestly less of an addiction/dependence and more of just a really bad habit I lean way too much on to escape. It isn't for a high, just to let me sleep through the mental anguish. Bad day? Benadryl. Tense situation? Benadryl. Rough news? Benadryl. It isn't just through Benadryl proper, but also Tylenol PM. Copious, EXTREME doseages of Tylenol PM. In more recent years I've even begun mixing them. Very bad, I'm aware...
It's only gotten worse after I accidentally overdosed two years ago. Once I figured out that potassium was the fix, it was just a green light to go again after the initial scare. Things go wonky after taking Benadryl one too many times in a day? Get a Gatorade and chill out on it for a day or two. Then you're good to go. It did land me in the hospital again last year (thought not directly, but through a reaction with a medication caused by my lowered potassium from over-usage), and I again stepped back. Lasted until my tolerance got back to a normal amount (two to three causing drowsiness). This most recent break was because we ran out and I was hoping that not having any choice but to go without would help break the cycle. I was naïve. As soon as we got more I was at it again, as always holding myself to "restraint and moderation". This week I've taken more than ever. My usual rule was to never go above six in any combination of Tylenol PM and Benadryl, and only yesterday did I realize that I'd gotten up to EIGHT. My tolerance was so high that even that was barely working. It's a horrible feeling at that high a dose but I can't stop doing it. My mind knows it makes no sense, my body hates it, and I want to stop, especially because I'm no longer insured and my last hospital visit was $8000 before it (and I still currently owe $800 after), but it's like it's automatic. My brain keeps justifying it, "last time"-ing it and it never is and I know that, but I still take them anyway. This isn't even taking into account the follow-up doses I take until I feel sufficiently sleepy enough when I'm between tolerance levels. Who knows how many I truly take a day.
Anyway, I'm wrecking myself with this shit. I don't want permanent damage but I'm scared I'm too late. The Tylenol is destroying my liver and I can feel the mental effects of the Benadryl when it comes to things like my immediate memory or trying to find words to use. Not to mention the fluctuating potassium levels are probably fucking my heart among other things. I developed anemia and I believe it to be from my chronic Tylenol usage. Very TMI but what comes from my intestines is abnormal and absolutely G N A R L Y, and not in the fun cool KATSEYE way, unfortunately. It's been like this for a while and so far, I've seemed to show minimal damage, at least according to my last blood test from my last hospitalization in October. But now I'm sitting here, once again waging war with my mind to quit once and for all after a day of particularly aggressive reactions and fallout after I had some Tylenol PM this morning (a gas-like pain that traveled my upper right back that I'd never experienced before (I've experienced slight side aches before and lay off when I feel them if my pain is manageable but nothing like that) and very small chest pains in one specific area coming in waves every 5-30 minutes– still occuring even as I type this out, unfortunately).
I really need this to be over. I need to be free from this. I feel so stupid for letting things get this bad and I feel even stupider for not just being able to drop it. I know I'm susceptible to addiction being autistic and having family history. I struggle with sugar too. A big issue is living with my mom. She's both cause and effect in this issue. A lot of my most stressful and negative thoughts are about her, and we often butt heads in ways that leave me overwhelmed and even more distraught. She also is the one constantly buying Benadryl and Tylenol PM in massive quantities. I did originally take them as directed for their intended purposes, but it spiraled out of control during the pandemic as my main coping mechanism for my physical pain and my severe allergies as well as mental struggles exacerbated by a shitty personal situation I couldn't escape (in part caused by her, but I won't get into too many specifics. Tldr - my mom and aunt allowed someone I was highly uncomfortable with and actively voiced concerns about to stay in our house and I basically isolated in my room riddled with anxiety for a few months, only leaving when he was gone or I had no choice and using Benadryl to sleep through him being in the room right next to mine and existing in my space– my concerns were later proven and he was kicked out with police escort after an altercation and property damage). At the time of my first OD, she took everything and I had to ask her for some if I needed any, but after a few months, she eventually loosened up and allowed me to have my own again. I was initially fine before figuring out the aforementioned potassium trick, then it was game over and back to square one. Haven't stopped struggling since, and my mom just doesn't even think about it anymore. I can't tell her to stop buying them, but I also can't just tell her to keep them with her because I know where she keeps them and I know how to get to it and take some without her noticing, it's what I often do when I ask for some when I run out and blow through it because of high dosing and want to get more without having to suspiciously ask again. I don't like that I've done that, but I've got it honest (my mom literally went to prison for prescription forgery lmao). I also just... don't wanna confront her about this, I guess? She and my aunt already worry about me a lot and I also just feel the need to handle it myself since it's personal. I guess I feel like it shouldn't be so hard to let it go too, like I don't need an intervention because I acknowledge what the problem is, but I guess that's my pride talking. I also do need these medications at times (particularly the Tylenol PM– I have debilitating periods and the only thing that helps is sleeping through it, even prescribed medicine didn't help and even if it did, I can't afford it now anyway).
I dunno. I'm just so tired of this cycle of hitting what I think is finally my rock bottom and vowing to free myself and rid myself of this burden and feeling such conviction to get it together... just to fall off again. Sometimes days later, sometimes weeks, but it's never stuck. Now I'm here worrying that I've well and truly fucked myself over in ways irreparable. Trying something new. Keeping a stopwatch on to track how long I've gone without any in hopes to keep me motivated. I had a potassium drink earlier and do feel better generally besides the aforementioned chest twinges, and I really freaking hope that some sleep with have me feeling normal in the morning. I really want this to stick this time. I said this last time too. And before that. And before that. Those feelings have never been untrue. I've never not wanted it to stick. That's not what my relapses meant– that I was insincere in my desire for change or my efforts in service of that. I just don't know how to be stronger or how to get out of my own head. Confronting my thoughts often leads me to spiral and my creature comforts can only drown out the noise so much for so long before my mind resorts to plan b. I genuinely feel like I can't truly heal or better myself so long as I live with my mother, but I have no choice. I have nowhere else to go. Still can't find a job either and with my mental state as touch and go as it is, I'm not even sure I could handle it, same with school.
I'm writing this after a quiet moment where I, in a rare moment (although it always happens in my cycles), didn't want to die. I want to get better. If not live a life, at least not "live" like this. I don't want to be what I am in this moment anymore. I don't want to feel trapped by my own hands anymore. I don't want to smell that stupid smell and fight to breathe after a high dose anymore.
I just needed to put this somewhere beyond my journal. So I'm not just talking to myself anymore. Nothing has changed from having these conversations with myself. I'm hoping this (and the stopwatch) can be the kick in the pants for me. It's not just mine anymore once I hit post, and maybe that's what I need to see it through.
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