Venting I just genuinely don’t know what the fuck to do

[traingirl]

I started on a Seroquel taper back in November and I've made it to 22.5mg with no problems and tried last night to go to 20.5mg and I got horrible tardive dyskinesia like symptoms and body jerks that felt like being shocked by a taser or lightning. It was one of the worst feelings of terror in my life besides losing my mom that left me crying last night and crying all throughout today. I'm going to go back to 22.5mg and hold longer because I was sleeping ok and not suicidal on that dose but my life for the past 5 months has just been discouragement and maybe a few encouraging days just to get knocked back down again and I don't know how much more I can take. There are things I wanna do before I commit if I do decide to do that. I want to kiss my best friend (I've never been kissed). I want to go to the beach one last time. I want life changing sex. And then I feel like I'll be content. I just don't see things getting better for me in a monumental way. Even if I was to survive this hellish withdrawal, I have no job prospects whatsoever and I could barely hold a part time job due to my mental illness when I had one. Both of the last two jobs I had I either threatened to jump off the building or lay on train tracks (oddly enough I never got a welfare check or fired for this but lmao). There's only a few people that keep me thinking "maybe I should try another day" and that's my dad, my best friend who I'm kind of in love with, and my sister and nieces. My dad still has dreams of kissing and holding my mom who committed suicide and I think about how sad he would be. But then I think that he doesn't understand how bad the withdrawals are. Neither does my best friend who tells me that "today will be a good day" and "it's in your mindset". I think I've tried everything barring the mental hospital which I know isn't for me. I've tried slow tapering. I've tried fast tapering. Neither really matter. I just hate to do something like this to my dad and and my family and my friends. My only coping mechanism that works is hypersexuality and masturbation and even then, it doesn't stop the withdrawal dyskinesia symptoms. I'm just lost.