I just fool myself

[Emily123]

I am a transgender and I just fool myself that surgeries can fix me . I did Three surgeries last year and any of them had a worse result than the previous one and I am stupid enough to plan the forth surgery . The problem is I am coward and I don't have the courge to end my life . I have everything ready to CTB by SN . But I just use excuses to not do it .One day I think about buying N (Of coursr I can not buy it in this damn Australia) . Another day I think surgeries can fix me . These are all stupid opinions that stops me to do what I really need to do . I created this topic a a place holder for my good by threath . I hope , I can overcome my fears sometime soon and write my good bye threath here .

 

[zherhk]

Hope is a parasite. It makes us chase a fake promise of happiness.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

Clearly something is stopping you using the SN, you should listen to that voice inside you for as long as you can.
You have made huge steps in transitioning that took real courage and strength so never doubt you have the ability to carry on.

 

[Jean4]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans. Have you been in therapy to help with your transition? It's mandatory in the USA.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Emily, I noticed that your opinion on how you look fluctuates a lot. Do you realise that?
As you know I struggle a lot with self image too, I am trying to accept myself with my flaws and imperfections, trying to let go that image of myself that I created in my mind that may be possible (or not possible) to achieve. It's gone but ego clings to it, craves it, that creates horrible frustration that in turn leads to suicidal ideation.
You need to try to let go.

 

[Emily123]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans. Have you been in therapy to help with your transition? It's mandatory in the USA.

I see a therpaist and I told her once that I am suicidal when I have dysphoria . She talked to me and told me to call her any time that I did not feel good . Yesterday one of my colleagues played with me and tried to make fun of me and it increased my dysphoria from 0 to 100 . They have no idea how dangerous it can be for me

Emily, I noticed that your opinion on how you look fluctuates a lot. Do you realise that?
As you know I struggle a lot with self image too, I am trying to accept myself with my flaws and imperfections, trying to let go that image of myself that I created in my mind that may be possible (or not possible) to achieve. It's gone but ego clings to it, craves it, that creates horrible frustration that in turn leads to suicidal ideation.
You need to try to let go.

Many people believe that my last surgery result was perfect and they tell me that they can not understand why I don't like it . The problem is I got very sensitive about it and I see even some small errors in my previous surgeries . I had a strong dysphoria yesterday . I feel too much better today . I will have another surgey in the lower part of the face in April . I hope , it helps me to feel better

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I see a therpaist and I told her once that I am suicidal when I have dysphoria . She talked to me and told me to call her any time that I did not feel good . Yesterday one of my colleagues played with me and tried to make fun of me and it increased my dysphoria from 0 to 100 . They have no idea how dangerous it can be for me

Many people believe that my last surgery result was perfect and they tell me that they can not understand why I don't like it . The problem is I got very sensitive about it and I see even some small errors in my previous surgeries . I had a strong dysphoria yesterday . I feel too much better today . I will have another surgey in the lower part of the face in April . I hope , it helps me to feel better

I feel exactly the same about outcome my surgery. People tell me it's ok but I just hate it. It's like I have someone else's face (not how it supposed to be if I didn't go through male puberty) and I can't take a single picture that I like. One mistake ruined everything. I never feel pretty anymore even if I was not really before...
I cry every day. But some days are better. I will stick for a while and see what happens.
And fuck your colleagues, they are scum.

 

[Emily123]

I feel exactly the same about outcome my surgery. People tell me it's ok but I just hate it. It's like I have someone else's face (not how it supposed to be if I didn't go through male puberty) and I can't take a single picture that I like. One mistake ruined everything. I never feel pretty anymore even if I was not really before...
I cry every day. But some days are better. I will stick for a while and see what happens.
And fuck your colleagues, they are scum.

if it bothers you too much it may be good to talk to another surgeon . There are very good surgeons and the cosultation for most of them is free . I did not do it because they all know me . But you can try it . if a professional tell you that it is okay , you need to believe it . If you are intersted to talk to other urgeons , Send me a message and I will give you a list of good surgeons