strawberrypug
Do not go gentle into that good night.
- Feb 1, 2020
- 7
I'm laying in my bed, listening to all the people in my house talk and laugh with eachother before the Super Bowl game comes on. I've sat with them and tried to pretend I could do the same. I have to keep fighting back tears. It hurt when a relative would me ask how I am and all I could really say was, "Good!
I'm not good. But I feel like I can't complain because it has entirely been my own decisions that got me in this dark place. I'm a horrible person and it's not the kind of thing I can just live with. All I've ever wanted is to be good. A good friend, a good girlfriend, a good sibling. And I've failed at all of them.
It really sucks that I have already ruined my life and I only just legally became an adult last year. I am an impulsive person who doesn't realize the negative consequences of their actions until after. My brain is destroyed by self-induced trauma. While I have done this to myself, knowing that doesn't make this feel any better. I almost wish I had someone to blame, but it's always been me.
My aunt just killed herself a few weeks ago. I feel disgusting thinking about the impact my suicide would have on my mom, especially now. I'm not saying this to sound vain, and of course I'm eternally grateful, but I know that people love me. I know they care about me. I know they would want to help. It's just that I'm past that point.
The game is about to start now. I've heard some company already say their goodbyes to the people outside my room, and I can't bring myself to come out and say goodbye as well. Our team isn't playing so not many people will end up sticking around much longer. I want them to leave but at the same time, I don't. I want someone to come in my room, close the door behind them, and ask if I am okay. I want to cry to them and not have them implore as to what could be so wrong. I want them to just hold me and say it will be okay, just so I can hear something that contradicts all the bad thoughts racing through my head. I genuinely want to believe it will be okay.
I wish my brain had a switch I could flip to just... turn it off forever.
I'm not good. But I feel like I can't complain because it has entirely been my own decisions that got me in this dark place. I'm a horrible person and it's not the kind of thing I can just live with. All I've ever wanted is to be good. A good friend, a good girlfriend, a good sibling. And I've failed at all of them.
It really sucks that I have already ruined my life and I only just legally became an adult last year. I am an impulsive person who doesn't realize the negative consequences of their actions until after. My brain is destroyed by self-induced trauma. While I have done this to myself, knowing that doesn't make this feel any better. I almost wish I had someone to blame, but it's always been me.
My aunt just killed herself a few weeks ago. I feel disgusting thinking about the impact my suicide would have on my mom, especially now. I'm not saying this to sound vain, and of course I'm eternally grateful, but I know that people love me. I know they care about me. I know they would want to help. It's just that I'm past that point.
The game is about to start now. I've heard some company already say their goodbyes to the people outside my room, and I can't bring myself to come out and say goodbye as well. Our team isn't playing so not many people will end up sticking around much longer. I want them to leave but at the same time, I don't. I want someone to come in my room, close the door behind them, and ask if I am okay. I want to cry to them and not have them implore as to what could be so wrong. I want them to just hold me and say it will be okay, just so I can hear something that contradicts all the bad thoughts racing through my head. I genuinely want to believe it will be okay.
I wish my brain had a switch I could flip to just... turn it off forever.