It's just as the title says. I just stopped caring about everything. school, grades, games, books, music, etc. just doesn't feel like anything at all. I feel like every moment that I'm alive is just plain agony, and just hoping for the moment I get to move on. Every time I smile, it's fake, and I hate having to put up with school, as I just don't have enough resources/money to CTB right. I'll be able to get enough money next Sunday, but I'm not sure I can go on for much longer, having to pretend that I care about school, my social life, and just about everything. I feel absolutely terrible because I am alive. I just don't care anymore. I'm actually seriously contemplating the train method, despite being aware of the trauma that I'll leave for those that'll see me. I feel dead inside, and outside. At this state, if I go on for much longer, I'll probably collapse under the responsibility and all kinds of problems.
I would ask at your school. They should have someone you can talk to.
sangfroid
A voice heard long ago
- Feb 1, 2020
- 28
I'm sorry everything is so difficult. Has something in particular caused you to feel that way or is it a build up of things?
It was a buildup, yeah.
Good point, but we're doing online classes because of the Corona Virus.
Suez
Experienced
- Feb 27, 2020
- 279
Your obviously young if your still at school. I think its a real shame young people talking about suicide. I understand it if your older but not when youve barely experinced life.Im sure you feel like shit right now, and it feels like your alone in this and the feelings simply will never stop or go away, but i can tell you fro many years of experience it does. My life has been an incredible series of traumas, a few highs but mostly alot of lows but my i had such a great relationship with my mum that I would never kill myself. I looked after her as she was dying from cancer and not too long ago she died. Now im completely alone in the world. I go days without speaking or seeing anyone. Every morning i wake up i hate it, i hate that moment when you first open your eyes and you realise your still alive. It wont be long for me know before i put a gun to my head, just tidying up things before i do. But your young, please think about this. Despite the traumas ive been thru my mum was the one relationship that filled me with love and i wouldnt give that up for anything. I know when some people talk about traumas, they describe things like a relationship breakup or bad grades etc To give you an idea of my traumas, i was diagnosed with schizophrenia when i was 8yrs old. y mum had to take a knife off me cos i was going to cut my throat cos i thought i was the devil. I was raped at 10 and by 13yrs ended up in a sex ring, I became addicted to heroin and even today, im still on the methadone program. Ive been raped multiple times throughout my life by people i dont know and people within the gang i was in. I was in and out of girls homes when i was young and sentenced to an adult psychiatric unit for a year when i was 15. In and out of drug detox and rehab and several years in prison. Ive seen many people die including friends. Ive tried to take my life before.Thats kind of the long and short of it. Im 48 now and ive had enough. Please believe me that there is some good out there for you.
Well, I'm 20, and I've been bulled every time I came back to Korea(father is an Diplomat) because I was "different" from them. Now, I'm experiencing racist slurs everytime I go out just because I'm korean. I could go on, but the point is: I've endured, did what I could, but I've had enough. I'm glad that I've had a good family, but they've never helped me with my trauma, saying that I needed to "man-up". They did change their mind later, but it was too late. I won't even pretend that I've suffered more than you, but I had enough.
Can you leave Korea? Are you a Korean citizen or did you simply grow up there? Perhaps things could get better if you left. That was certainly true for me leaving my hometown. A change of setting can do so much.
I'm so sorry.. I know that feeling of stopping caring about everything, when depression really gets hold. But please font go with the train method! Apart from, as you say, the trauma of those who find you/ driver etc.. it is far from foil proof. You can end up horribly injured and in horrific pain. I think it's a terrifying way to go x
Suez
Experienced
- Feb 27, 2020
- 279
Hey Please dont say you havent suffered like me. Ive never been through what you have. Im european so ive need had anyone look at me and treat me differently because of the colour of my skin. Racism is digusting. There is no place for it. I am so so sorry that you have been treated like this. Please, please do not do anything. Those disgusting people that shout racial slurs at you are the lowest of the low. Do you live in the United States? Im from New Zealand . We have quite a multicultural society here. We have many people from Asia living in NZ. One of my best friends is Korean. Have you got any support around you? Someone you can talk to about whats been happening to you? In this day in age, racisim is something you should not have to deal with, certainly not on your own. You have every right to walk down the street with your head held high like anyone else. Im really sad that members of your own family tell you to "man up" . It has nothing to do with "manning up" You are no less of a man for feeling traumitised by the way you are being treated. No-one should ever have to be treated the way you are. What you need is the support of someone who can help you to see that the colour of your skin is beautiful. To be proud of being Korean and proud of your ancestary. To never feel ashamed of your culture but to embrace everything about it. Be proud and stand proud and when those racist pigs say anything to you, feel sorry for them, because they must be very sad insecure people to be threatened by your presence. Racist people are cowards, thats all they are, thats why they generally run around in packs. Can you speak to a counsellor?
Largeletters
Alone
- Jan 21, 2020
- 640
I'm so sorry. There's not much I can say, except everyone who views this post can relate to at least an extent.
I haven't cared about absolutely anything since my withdrawal from a years usage of Kratom daily...In my mind it seemed like the perfect cure for PTSD, depression, anxiety. Before that I was suffering for a long time with suicidal ideation, and I white knuckled through a CT benzo withdrawal off clonazepam when my Dr. switched me to Buspar. Drugs/medication can't keep me here, I admitted to myself. Kratom actually did me a favour in this way, since it made life after so meaningless and grey. I quickly started acquiring and planning in my beautiful twilight mania that crystallized with the help of St. Johns Wort several ways to CTB successfully, by putting into action steps like moving across the country that terrified me, but I determined during that time my life had from then on since expired.
I smoke weed, I get even more anxious, highstrung, and depressed. If I allow myself an occasional benzo to overcome my severe social phobia, my mind knows it's running on a timer and all the connections I make will disappear once it wears off. I was grieving for how my furry friend will feel once I'm gone, but I've given her a good forever home. She has taken to my boyfriend and he's a cat/dog lover, so that grief is now dispelled. I don't care about his emotions when he comes home expecting me to be there to keep him company, knowing I'm usually agoraphobic. He's an anti-choicer who is secretly trying to talk me into spending nearly all of my money on buying a bus that we live in together lol. He might be trying to figure out where I hid away my tickets by making us move if he somehow suspects that I'm on the way out. I can actually go out of the apartment sometimes, I just don't while he's home in case he finds my lockbox with my tickets. Even though I have N, SN, and dissociative anasthetics, I'm keeping that money for a possible pact in case I need to help them out.
For the past 4-5 years I have been in some sort of limbo. Fucked up flashbacks from trauma, withdrawals from psyche meds, and physical withdrawals from Kratom with the fucking RLS, IBS, Insomnia. The acutes were followed by 9 months of PAWS. Luckily I only made an order for another kilo when I moved where I now reside, but realized in 2 weeks this would potentially leave me with too much misery to think straight and I would lose my resolve, so I forced myself to stop.
Luckily it seems I'm almost out of acutes and am feeling much more clearheaded; the worlds just the world. No buried treasure will satisfy me. I'm being increasingly painted in a negative light by my boyfriend which actually makes me happy, because this will also help him if he actually does grieve. He doesn't know Kratom contains two opiates in it, and thinks my acute withdrawals were me 'faking' it, because everyone at his company is addicted to the stuff and tells him it's just a stronger coffee substitute. Also, in my country it is legal to sell as an aromatic substance not for human consumption, so that would be another reason not to believe it's physically addictive and produces terrible withdrawals.
I know my posts are long winded. I just came out of another miserable acute withdrawal, and am happy about not feeling any post acute coming on so I will be able to CTB and pack up the little bit of belongings that I brought with me here that aren't part of my kit. This is because that would be a possibly painful reminder of my passing. I care about everybody, even people who treat me like I'm a human robot who can do chores and warm the apartment with my presence all day, and then listen to his whining about how bad he has it at work, and the endless reel of YouTube videos about car repairs.
PS: I love robots. I just can't exist as a robot or human.
I smoke weed, I get even more anxious, highstrung, and depressed. If I allow myself an occasional benzo to overcome my severe social phobia, my mind knows it's running on a timer and all the connections I make will disappear once it wears off. I was grieving for how my furry friend will feel once I'm gone, but I've given her a good forever home. She has taken to my boyfriend and he's a cat/dog lover, so that grief is now dispelled. I don't care about his emotions when he comes home expecting me to be there to keep him company, knowing I'm usually agoraphobic. He's an anti-choicer who is secretly trying to talk me into spending nearly all of my money on buying a bus that we live in together lol. He might be trying to figure out where I hid away my tickets by making us move if he somehow suspects that I'm on the way out. I can actually go out of the apartment sometimes, I just don't while he's home in case he finds my lockbox with my tickets. Even though I have N, SN, and dissociative anasthetics, I'm keeping that money for a possible pact in case I need to help them out.
For the past 4-5 years I have been in some sort of limbo. Fucked up flashbacks from trauma, withdrawals from psyche meds, and physical withdrawals from Kratom with the fucking RLS, IBS, Insomnia. The acutes were followed by 9 months of PAWS. Luckily I only made an order for another kilo when I moved where I now reside, but realized in 2 weeks this would potentially leave me with too much misery to think straight and I would lose my resolve, so I forced myself to stop.
Luckily it seems I'm almost out of acutes and am feeling much more clearheaded; the worlds just the world. No buried treasure will satisfy me. I'm being increasingly painted in a negative light by my boyfriend which actually makes me happy, because this will also help him if he actually does grieve. He doesn't know Kratom contains two opiates in it, and thinks my acute withdrawals were me 'faking' it, because everyone at his company is addicted to the stuff and tells him it's just a stronger coffee substitute. Also, in my country it is legal to sell as an aromatic substance not for human consumption, so that would be another reason not to believe it's physically addictive and produces terrible withdrawals.
I know my posts are long winded. I just came out of another miserable acute withdrawal, and am happy about not feeling any post acute coming on so I will be able to CTB and pack up the little bit of belongings that I brought with me here that aren't part of my kit. This is because that would be a possibly painful reminder of my passing. I care about everybody, even people who treat me like I'm a human robot who can do chores and warm the apartment with my presence all day, and then listen to his whining about how bad he has it at work, and the endless reel of YouTube videos about car repairs.
PS: I love robots. I just can't exist as a robot or human.
Suez
Experienced
- Feb 27, 2020
- 279
