I haven't been around much lately because I've been so busy. Foolishly, I thought that getting a job would turn my life around, and yet here I am. I actually kind of like working at the pharmacy, but I literally suck so much that it makes me feel like a burden. I understand that I've been working there for less than a month and I should give myself time to learn, but I constantly need to ask the pharmacist for help, and I keep messing up things I should master by now. It makes me feel like a hopeless case and I'm sure my coworkers despise me.
Other than that, I finally have set a date for CTB. Next Thursday. It's the only time since December that I'll be alone at home (if my mom somehow decides to stay at home instead, I'll freak out...) I'd have thought that I would feel anxious, excited, sad... Yet nothing at all. I'm going to die in less than a week and somehow I don't care. I'm not sure if it's a sign of worsening depression, but I honestly can't feel many emotions lately. Other than maybe a bit anxious over school starting again, my head has been empty. I can't cry anymore, I'm too exhausted mentally for that. I've also noticed that I've lost the concept of time. I'll spend some time in my bed, lost in thought, and before I know it 2 hours have passed. It felt like 2 minutes and I can't even remember what I did in those hours. Basically to me, they're all signs that my mental health has been deteriorating, but I can't do much about it, other than hope my end is near. That's what's been anchoring me to reality lately... When I mess up at work, I'll go : "See, I really am useless... Just another sign that it's time to ctb".
If you don't mind, I'd like to list my other reasons for ctb, in no particular order:
- I've turned down a job opportunity that would've gotten me closer to my dream job working at the hospital. I don't see a point in being engaged in a future if I won't even be alive to see it.
- I don't have my driver's license yet, even though I've been trying for more than 2 years now. When my friends ask I lie. I don't see the end of it.
- Actually, I keep lying to my friends about a bunch of stuff, and I can't bear dragging them along my bullshit.
- I don't even know how to organize my future. I'm stuck.
- My anxiety and depression has gone untreated for years now. I tried seeing the school therapist in November, and it led to nothing, not that she tried. I don't see how it could get better.
- The therapist made me realize I haven't seen my primary care doctor since 3 years ago. How can I even seek treatment that way? When I saw my endocrinologist, she didn't ask how I've been feeling. My HbA1c was good so I guess she didn't care about anything else. I don't think she cares at all, she looked done with me. ( So am I ). I don't care anymore about recovery
- I'm such a burden to my family, in so many ways.
- I'm 18 but already done with life. I've never enjoyed it much and now the negatives definitely outweigh any positives there could be. I just can't imagine living to be older, my life getting even shittier, then looking back and regretting not ctb sooner. Looking back at my teenage years, I can tell all the years I've been living since then have brought me nothing.
- I'm actually privileged in life, but I'm an ungrateful brat. It makes me feel even worse for ctb, since some people are struggling so much more and are more resilient. I'm so pathetic, I don't deserve to live.
- I can't help feeling more pathetic when other people my age have their lives much more together, but I can't have that because my mental illnesses keep me from living my life normally. Sometimes I wonder if my illnesses have any impact in that, or if I'm using them as an excuse and I'm just terrible at getting my shit together. Actually, I can tell it's because I'm pathetic, since others struggle with the same disorders yet manage to get them treated.
- The state of the world is despicable. Even if I had a future I trusted, in what world would I live ? The COVID crisis has left my generation with a lot of upcoming debt. Climate change is getting worse as always. Not many people are looking for change, everyone is so concerned by their own person only that not many are looking for the betterment of humanity.
- I was looking forward to Christmas this year, yet like the rest of 2020 it sucked. The weather wasn't even nice. It was the third Christmas in a row without snow... ( see previous comment about climate change)
- I have an incurable chronic illness. It'll never get better, only cause more complications and pain as time goes on.
- There's more reasons I dont want to share/can't think about right now.
Anyway, thanks for reading through my self-pitying, self-deprecating wank show.
I feel terrible that I see ctb as my only option, and I ask that you please respect my reasons for doing so. I know it'll hurt irredeemably everyone that cares about me. For reasons stated above, I can't seem to feel anything about that. Not sure yet if I'll do a goodbye thread (and that's if I even manage to attempt...), but I'll try to post more on SS before Thursday.
My time is finally up <3.
Other than that, I finally have set a date for CTB. Next Thursday. It's the only time since December that I'll be alone at home (if my mom somehow decides to stay at home instead, I'll freak out...) I'd have thought that I would feel anxious, excited, sad... Yet nothing at all. I'm going to die in less than a week and somehow I don't care. I'm not sure if it's a sign of worsening depression, but I honestly can't feel many emotions lately. Other than maybe a bit anxious over school starting again, my head has been empty. I can't cry anymore, I'm too exhausted mentally for that. I've also noticed that I've lost the concept of time. I'll spend some time in my bed, lost in thought, and before I know it 2 hours have passed. It felt like 2 minutes and I can't even remember what I did in those hours. Basically to me, they're all signs that my mental health has been deteriorating, but I can't do much about it, other than hope my end is near. That's what's been anchoring me to reality lately... When I mess up at work, I'll go : "See, I really am useless... Just another sign that it's time to ctb".
If you don't mind, I'd like to list my other reasons for ctb, in no particular order:
- I've turned down a job opportunity that would've gotten me closer to my dream job working at the hospital. I don't see a point in being engaged in a future if I won't even be alive to see it.
- I don't have my driver's license yet, even though I've been trying for more than 2 years now. When my friends ask I lie. I don't see the end of it.
- Actually, I keep lying to my friends about a bunch of stuff, and I can't bear dragging them along my bullshit.
- I don't even know how to organize my future. I'm stuck.
- My anxiety and depression has gone untreated for years now. I tried seeing the school therapist in November, and it led to nothing, not that she tried. I don't see how it could get better.
- The therapist made me realize I haven't seen my primary care doctor since 3 years ago. How can I even seek treatment that way? When I saw my endocrinologist, she didn't ask how I've been feeling. My HbA1c was good so I guess she didn't care about anything else. I don't think she cares at all, she looked done with me. ( So am I ). I don't care anymore about recovery
- I'm such a burden to my family, in so many ways.
- I'm 18 but already done with life. I've never enjoyed it much and now the negatives definitely outweigh any positives there could be. I just can't imagine living to be older, my life getting even shittier, then looking back and regretting not ctb sooner. Looking back at my teenage years, I can tell all the years I've been living since then have brought me nothing.
- I'm actually privileged in life, but I'm an ungrateful brat. It makes me feel even worse for ctb, since some people are struggling so much more and are more resilient. I'm so pathetic, I don't deserve to live.
- I can't help feeling more pathetic when other people my age have their lives much more together, but I can't have that because my mental illnesses keep me from living my life normally. Sometimes I wonder if my illnesses have any impact in that, or if I'm using them as an excuse and I'm just terrible at getting my shit together. Actually, I can tell it's because I'm pathetic, since others struggle with the same disorders yet manage to get them treated.
- The state of the world is despicable. Even if I had a future I trusted, in what world would I live ? The COVID crisis has left my generation with a lot of upcoming debt. Climate change is getting worse as always. Not many people are looking for change, everyone is so concerned by their own person only that not many are looking for the betterment of humanity.
- I was looking forward to Christmas this year, yet like the rest of 2020 it sucked. The weather wasn't even nice. It was the third Christmas in a row without snow... ( see previous comment about climate change)
- I have an incurable chronic illness. It'll never get better, only cause more complications and pain as time goes on.
- There's more reasons I dont want to share/can't think about right now.
Anyway, thanks for reading through my self-pitying, self-deprecating wank show.
I feel terrible that I see ctb as my only option, and I ask that you please respect my reasons for doing so. I know it'll hurt irredeemably everyone that cares about me. For reasons stated above, I can't seem to feel anything about that. Not sure yet if I'll do a goodbye thread (and that's if I even manage to attempt...), but I'll try to post more on SS before Thursday.
My time is finally up <3.
