h0wd1rtygrlzST4YCL3N
Member
- Jul 14, 2021
- 21
"Don't care what you do don't care what you say, fuck this planet any way. I hope that I get lucky tonight and die!"
I try to find humor in my constant depressed suicidal thoughts....i mean the last thing I want especially with the whole fuck it it doesnt matter if im here or not attitude, the last thing I want in my pathetic life is to be a burden on any one. Usually the people who think I am a burden are doing some kind of psychological gaslighting, mirroring, and or projecting. Ain't no body got time for that. The pandemic was hard, because I realize live music is basically my only social,and frustration outlet. Mosh pits, comfort zone, and intoxication. I don't see my self getting sober......i will probably kill my self first. I mean i dream of a normal life....im too set in my ways and i have tried relationships. its usually some one telling me how to live who doesn't have their shit together wanting to leech off of me. I just don't have the fucking energy for that any more. death is a much better option. clearly i have not mixed the right drugs to OD on in the last 25 fucking years. I was clean for 12.....but life has no point if you don't find one. I have clung to my music scene....now that the pandemic is over i just dont feel like i want to go back. parts of me regret not blowing my brains out at 15.....I'm at a point in life where its time to shit or get off the pot. I mean i guess i could fake it for a few more years.....i know i dont want to be taken advantage of any more in a relationship....i also doubt any one will genuinly care about me. I just know there is a sort of peace on that side that doesn't exist in this realm. Even if its just eternal darkness like you never existed. Is it worth staying alive if the only thing keeping you alive are your own vices? I care about what i care about....other than that i don't. I've been ready to CTB for years now.....and yet still am not ready. will i feel more peaceful once i have my end of life arrangements and "kit -or as you guys say "bus tickets" arranged? maybe then i will have peace when its not a some day.....and it can be taken care of now if i choose. I've never been able to shake this.......just more in control of my life now so the consideration of the option is more tangible. sorry if i make no sence.....
I try to find humor in my constant depressed suicidal thoughts....i mean the last thing I want especially with the whole fuck it it doesnt matter if im here or not attitude, the last thing I want in my pathetic life is to be a burden on any one. Usually the people who think I am a burden are doing some kind of psychological gaslighting, mirroring, and or projecting. Ain't no body got time for that. The pandemic was hard, because I realize live music is basically my only social,and frustration outlet. Mosh pits, comfort zone, and intoxication. I don't see my self getting sober......i will probably kill my self first. I mean i dream of a normal life....im too set in my ways and i have tried relationships. its usually some one telling me how to live who doesn't have their shit together wanting to leech off of me. I just don't have the fucking energy for that any more. death is a much better option. clearly i have not mixed the right drugs to OD on in the last 25 fucking years. I was clean for 12.....but life has no point if you don't find one. I have clung to my music scene....now that the pandemic is over i just dont feel like i want to go back. parts of me regret not blowing my brains out at 15.....I'm at a point in life where its time to shit or get off the pot. I mean i guess i could fake it for a few more years.....i know i dont want to be taken advantage of any more in a relationship....i also doubt any one will genuinly care about me. I just know there is a sort of peace on that side that doesn't exist in this realm. Even if its just eternal darkness like you never existed. Is it worth staying alive if the only thing keeping you alive are your own vices? I care about what i care about....other than that i don't. I've been ready to CTB for years now.....and yet still am not ready. will i feel more peaceful once i have my end of life arrangements and "kit -or as you guys say "bus tickets" arranged? maybe then i will have peace when its not a some day.....and it can be taken care of now if i choose. I've never been able to shake this.......just more in control of my life now so the consideration of the option is more tangible. sorry if i make no sence.....
