Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Im feeling awful and realizing my life is completely worthless & meaningless. It's all hitting me how completely stupid I am. I really believed I somehow mattered and that the pain of tryna heal & function was worth it. I needa figure out a method asap bc the desire to impulsively attempt something tonight is strong. I don't have the capacity or whatever to read or watch or gane anything. So usual/any kinda distraction isn't possible.
Soo I just hope I can sleep soon. Im not sleepy tho. Trying a new melatonin and I hope it works soon bc the revelation/current thought flow that I've just been glorifying everything & it's all a lie is a lot to deal with. Maybe not the truth but my current truth rn.
Im not opposed to drowning as a method. Shallow water black out(?) Seems interesting. Would prefer to drown at home if possible. Otherwise seems SN. Availability is non existent so. And cutting would require overcoming a lot of S.I. and movement within that. Same with hanging so it's a nah.
Maybe I'll look into chemicals ir smthin again but ik someone who survived drinking bleach so
drowning it is ig?
I dunno feeling antsy too. Today the supplements I got came. So took the magnesium earlier. It helped some. But I haven't been doing anything today so naturally I am restless. Hopefully with melatonin, night meds and anxiety med kicking in it'll help/I'll sleep. Usually I can't just lie down & sleep but my thoughts already killed me and there's nothing left so shsll close my eyes and think/play a song in my head over & over & that helps/ puts me into relm of sleep.
I might actually succeed in CTB the bus this time around. Night y'all
Soo I just hope I can sleep soon. Im not sleepy tho. Trying a new melatonin and I hope it works soon bc the revelation/current thought flow that I've just been glorifying everything & it's all a lie is a lot to deal with. Maybe not the truth but my current truth rn.
Im not opposed to drowning as a method. Shallow water black out(?) Seems interesting. Would prefer to drown at home if possible. Otherwise seems SN. Availability is non existent so. And cutting would require overcoming a lot of S.I. and movement within that. Same with hanging so it's a nah.
Maybe I'll look into chemicals ir smthin again but ik someone who survived drinking bleach so
drowning it is ig? I dunno feeling antsy too. Today the supplements I got came. So took the magnesium earlier. It helped some. But I haven't been doing anything today so naturally I am restless. Hopefully with melatonin, night meds and anxiety med kicking in it'll help/I'll sleep. Usually I can't just lie down & sleep but my thoughts already killed me and there's nothing left so shsll close my eyes and think/play a song in my head over & over & that helps/ puts me into relm of sleep.
I might actually succeed in CTB the bus this time around. Night y'all
