I have to trick her

[godhelpme313]

A year and a half ago I was in the woods. I had a terrible "pang". I could not bear the idea of continuing my loneliness. I could not live like I had the past 6 years. My existence had been such a terrible mistake due to its aloneness that I could not let myself repeat it any longer. I had no choice but to try for relationships. I found a therapist online and her opening line was "We are meant to be in relationships with others". That was what I needed. I have been seeing her for a year.

What broke our relationship was when I had a manic episode and found myself sleeping in the hospital waiting room. I was going mildly psychotic and needed a place to go but I did not want to necessarily check myself in. I knew that I couldn't call her. She's very boundaried around off-hours contact. When I saw her a few weeks later, I told her that I was upset that I could not attempt to contact her. She agreed I could not message her. I told her that it does not make sense to me that she says she cares about me but will force me to stay alone sleeping in a hospital waiting room while she is with her family.

Later I asked her if she loved me. She did a classic therapist move to tell me the difference between "care" and "love" and told me that she cared. I told her that I needed love, not care, because I have cared for myself utterly alone for 8 years, but have no love. She says she won't give up on me, but if there is no love between us, what is the point?

We've worked on my sex addiction. I told her that I do not understand our relationship and how it is different between sex workers because when my wallet is empty she will not see me anymore. I pay for her time and then when it's up I am outside her life. I started to see therapy as emotional prostitution. In fact, I see it as horrendously abusive and should probably be outlawed. The client pays a therapist an hourly rate for compassion, and shares all about themselves, but the therapist never says anything about themselves, owes the client nothing but the hour slot, and blocks them from any continuation until they pay again. It's a terrible imbalance of power. The therapist is trained in "compassion" and has a moral obligation to not reject or harm the patient. Yet in all other relationships, rejection and honest feedback is part of the terms. Therapy is a pseudo-relatioship, a business transaction, and a mimicry of intimacy or connection.

She is the archetypical "Last One". I have already ended all my long term friendships long ago. I told her that she is the "Last Try".

I am simply tired of paying money for emotional prostitution so somebody can give me pseuso-intimacy and lie to me about how I "belong in relationships". I asked her last Thursday what she thinks of me and our relationship. The first thing she said is that I need to add suicide numbers in my phone. That was a heartbreaking answer. If my life is about to end, and she'd rather be bowling with her family (or whatever she's doing), and would rather me be a customer to an institution and talk to somebody I don't even know, then clearly this relationship is illegitimate. "Yeah, you belong in relationships, but please call a complete stranger the moment you're about to die rather than me who knows your problems after a full year of disclosure."

Saturday night I drove down to the firing range to look for a .45 ACP and hollow points. I sat in the parking lot and realized I was going to die. I wanted to call her so bad. But she won't let me. Then I realized, why would I call her anyways? I'm about to die and lose my human life but her Saturday evening with her family is a higher priority to her. She wouldn't even deserve the call.

That's when I decided to cut her loose, drop the "Last One", and this is happening "for real".

Today I learned more about firing the 45 ACP, found a national forest, researched some ear protection, and asked a firing range if they could help me learn to fire. I have been having obsessive imaginative conservations with her. I wish I could tell her that I am going to die. But I can't because it's a fake relationship, she's bound to institutional policies, and honestly, she probably does not even care. Even worse, she's just as lost and confused as anybody, so how could she help me in any way?

She's going to text me. She knows I'm close. I do like her because she hasn't reported me. She does very lightly check in, but only to ask if I want to schedule a session. I have been ruminating for days on what to say.

"No, our relationship is in the past now."
I like this answer. It's true. I might go with it.

"No, this is an illegitimate relationship bordering on emotional abuse, and I regret ever engaging in it"
This is honest, but it'll just cause issues.

"I'm not seeing you anymore, but I appreciate all your help and compassion"
This is a lie. I think she might figure it out. Not that she can or will do anything about it.

And here's the answer that, shall I am serious about dying, is best:

"Let me think about it and get back to you, thanks".

This is what I need to tell her. I need her to go away. I need her to not suspect anything. I need her to have to distance because I am going to die.

She's my biggest barrier. I'm in love with her. She is the "form" that my wife takes. A good Christian woman and loving mom. My mom was a heroin addict -- probably why I like the therapist so much. What has kept me alive over 20 years of suicide ideation is this imaginary wife that is "out there" and "loves me." But I have to accept she's not here and she's not coming. And even if she did, she wouldn't be able to help me anyways.

I'm saying goodbye to everybody. I'll never be loved in this world and I think love is probably impossible. Sadly, I think God is probably not here, or actually, God wants me to die. I discovered that the world is infinitely broken and unredeemable. I think it is possible that if there is a God that God wants me dead. I think my soul may have recognized the hopeless limitations of Earth and now wants to be set free.

I am practicing seeing my death as a positive thing. It'll be a wonderful adventure. I'll be able to meet my maker or not. Best of all, this terrible existence can come to a close. I'm not worried about my cats because I have no evidence they will be here after I die. I think this is all a picture show or movie. I think the external world is just made up. If I go straight to hell when I die, it won't make sense to me, because honestly I tried my best. Hell is right here in earth. I am in hell. The moment I die my soul may be regretful and say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". But if there is God, then I need to "check in" anyways. I think life is probably death and death is probably life. I think death is our home. I probably need to go home for a little bit. I need to rest.

I plan to go in some nice clothes. It's nice to look proper when you go back home. I want to go at my peak happiness. I've quit all drugs and pornography. I am eating healthy and resting. I want to go with a sober mind. I want to be excited and feel good about my death.

I agonize over my response to her text... And then I realize, it doesn't even matter. She never really was there to begin with. Like I closed the door on all my best friends, I have already closed the door on her. She's just a distraction now, and my response to her will be designed to trick her.

I can't believe that I let her deceive and lie to me. Giving it "one last try" and speaking with "the last person" was a terrible failure. I'm so scarred over it. It gives me nightmares. I panic. I can't believe she'd smile at me in the same room. But I need to die not out of pain for her, but because it's what I want. I am trying to let go of her so I can clear my mind for this radical adventure.

I tell myself that I'm agonizing over my response because I need her to figure it out and rescue me. There's still a part of me afraid to die. But I'm telling myself that what you're afraid of is another second on Earth. I am telling myself that it is "safe to die". It's really wonderful news. My mistake is being afraid that I am going to die soon. Instead, my suicide is me taking care of myself. It's protecting myself. It will be fast and painless. I'll be trained, I won't miss. "Stop worrying, I'll take care of you... It'll be quick... Don't worry about pointless text messages, the bigger issue is you need to go home to rest."

 

[Someone123]

I do think it's important to understand a therapist's role and that they do need to have boundaries- therapists have a surprisingly high suicide rate and drawing professional boundaries is an important part of keeping themselves from slipping down this path.Therapy can help some in some cases, especially if the therapist encourages you to get friendhips and a relationship outside of the therapy situation- in the "real world". Talking with a therapist about these things and how to build connections on your personal life could help. Buit for her to not say "I love you" to patients and to not accept or respond to text messages is a boundary she has to havae to keeping herself from slipping into depression. It's not an easy role to be a therapist who really cares, so many just exploit people for money, and it sounds like you have ojne who cares. It's true this is a profession and she does need to get payment for her work, like anyone. Working on connections to friends and a relationship outside of this office could help. To be honest a lot of therapists would say that they couldn't see a patient any more if they said I love you because now the therapiusts honestly has reason to fear for their own safety because the boundaries of the therapy aren't being respected. I know you are just saying how you feel but you justneed to understand that this is a profession where people are trying to help people. I hope you can find a way to build connections outside of the office- there are a lot of videos on youtube aboutr how to make friends that might help.

 

[SamTam33]

This is interesting. My first thought is what if she has multiple patients who feel similar to you. Should she have to tell them all that she loves them and that they share a special relationship?

What if she agrees to be on call 24/7 and they all reach out after hours. When does she get to clock out of work?

When does she get to physically and emotionally recharge?

I usually don't reply to threads about lost love, breakups, divorce, etc - because it's not something I can identify with (I think people are meant to come and go in our lives for specific reasons). So I apologize that I'm unable to commiserate.

And while I have an extremely negative view of therapists and psychiatrists in general - this one sounds like she's really trying. At least more so than some of the others people speak about.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. It is clear that you are a very caring person and deeply in need of that being reciprocated. I also don't blame you for caring for your therapist. It's almost a natural reaction in a way. Here suddenly is a person who takes a deep interest in you and cares about your well being (proffessionally but I expect personally also- we're all human.) You likely share things you haven't shared with anyone else and there has to be a level of trust there. It can hurt when you put your trust and love in someone and you realise that the relationship is lopsided.

However- I agree with other people here that they do have to set boundaries really. It has to be a proffessional relationship.

I hope you won't take offence at this but I tend to suffer from limerance. It is a type of obsessive love (and it's very intense and painful.) I could be way off here but I think it is worth you looking at the term- there are plenty of You Tube videos on it- and see if it relates.

It's not to belittle what you feel- and it may not even be limerance at all. Still- for me- hearing about the term was a kind of release. I had a feeling that these obsessions I had on people weren't entirely healthy and it actually helps me moving forward to know I tend to be like this.

As I say- it may not relate to you but I think it's worth checking out. The channel: Crappy Childhood Fairy does a lot of material on it.

I'm sorry life has brought you to this place. I hope you are able to find peace- whatever you decide to do. All the best to you.

 

[conflagration]

Since you seem to be Christian, I will ask, have you tried a contemplative form of prayer, like Jesus Prayer? It helps with my loneliness. Monks can go solitary for years just doing that and never feel lonely.
I think you nailed it - therapy is just a form of emotional prostitution in a lonely world full of people desperate for any kind of relationship with fellow human beings.

 

[y0dha]

I understand your feelings, you've been lonely since long time and you're craving love... The idea of being loved by a woman is what is keeping you alive. It's your only reason to live.
I can relate to that, that's also what keeps me alive as well for the moment.

In the end we all desire to give and receive love.

Though you've fallen in love with your therapist, that's exactly what therapist are basically prevented to reciprocate because they need to set boundaries so that the therapy stay effective.
I know it's hard to understand since you're craving love so much but you need to let go of her, and the best way to do this in my opinion is to try to look for others women in your life, and find another therapist. You won't be able to let go of her if you keep seeing her...

 

[wait.what]

First of all, I'm really sorry everything sucks so much right now. Whether you choose to ctb or give life another shot, it's clear that you can't carry on like this.

If you're interested in sticking around very long, I recommend finding a different therapist, preferably a man or someone you know you're not going to fall in love with. You don't need to trick this one, just tell her you can't work with her anymore. It sounds like she understands boundaries, so she ought to respect yours.

If you choose a new therapist who's part of a larger clinic, they're likely to have an after-hours number with a psychiatrist on call. It's sort of debatable as to whether that's better than a hotline, but at least an on-call psyche dr who works with your therapist will know who you are. Of course, they will also have access to your address, and might send the cops screaming to your door to shoot I mean, "save" you. All things to consider.

I'm afraid that no therapist will ever love you like you want this one to, unless they feel like losing their license and getting a divorce. Which they won't. It's a dream to let go of, unfortunately. Peer-led support groups exist and can be a good place to make more real connections with others, but please don't go there seeking romantic love. Women in particular tend to hate getting propositioned in places where they want to feel safe, and trying to find a girlfriend in a support group is a good way to get kicked out. Platonic friendships can sometimes blossom in groups like that though, and having friends would leave you less devastatingly alone.

Since it sounds like you're religious, church singles groups might be places to look for an actual girlfriend. I recommend waiting until you're feeling stable enough that you no longer want to kill yourself, because how fair would it be to some lady who gets attached to you, only to have you ctb the next month?

Anyway, I hope things get better for you. I've never fallen in love with a therapist, but I've had a ton of unrequited crushes in my life. Few things make life more miserable than that.

 

[nessun_nome]

A year and a half ago I was in the woods. I had a terrible "pang". I could not bear the idea of continuing my loneliness. I could not live like I had the past 6 years. My existence had been such a terrible mistake due to its aloneness that I could not let myself repeat it any longer. I had no choice but to try for relationships. I found a therapist online and her opening line was "We are meant to be in relationships with others". That was what I needed. I have been seeing her for a year.

What broke our relationship was when I had a manic episode and found myself sleeping in the hospital waiting room. I was going mildly psychotic and needed a place to go but I did not want to necessarily check myself in. I knew that I couldn't call her. She's very boundaried around off-hours contact. When I saw her a few weeks later, I told her that I was upset that I could not attempt to contact her. She agreed I could not message her. I told her that it does not make sense to me that she says she cares about me but will force me to stay alone sleeping in a hospital waiting room while she is with her family.

Later I asked her if she loved me. She did a classic therapist move to tell me the difference between "care" and "love" and told me that she cared. I told her that I needed love, not care, because I have cared for myself utterly alone for 8 years, but have no love. She says she won't give up on me, but if there is no love between us, what is the point?

We've worked on my sex addiction. I told her that I do not understand our relationship and how it is different between sex workers because when my wallet is empty she will not see me anymore. I pay for her time and then when it's up I am outside her life. I started to see therapy as emotional prostitution. In fact, I see it as horrendously abusive and should probably be outlawed. The client pays a therapist an hourly rate for compassion, and shares all about themselves, but the therapist never says anything about themselves, owes the client nothing but the hour slot, and blocks them from any continuation until they pay again. It's a terrible imbalance of power. The therapist is trained in "compassion" and has a moral obligation to not reject or harm the patient. Yet in all other relationships, rejection and honest feedback is part of the terms. Therapy is a pseudo-relatioship, a business transaction, and a mimicry of intimacy or connection.

She is the archetypical "Last One". I have already ended all my long term friendships long ago. I told her that she is the "Last Try".

I am simply tired of paying money for emotional prostitution so somebody can give me pseuso-intimacy and lie to me about how I "belong in relationships". I asked her last Thursday what she thinks of me and our relationship. The first thing she said is that I need to add suicide numbers in my phone. That was a heartbreaking answer. If my life is about to end, and she'd rather be bowling with her family (or whatever she's doing), and would rather me be a customer to an institution and talk to somebody I don't even know, then clearly this relationship is illegitimate. "Yeah, you belong in relationships, but please call a complete stranger the moment you're about to die rather than me who knows your problems after a full year of disclosure."

Saturday night I drove down to the firing range to look for a .45 ACP and hollow points. I sat in the parking lot and realized I was going to die. I wanted to call her so bad. But she won't let me. Then I realized, why would I call her anyways? I'm about to die and lose my human life but her Saturday evening with her family is a higher priority to her. She wouldn't even deserve the call.

That's when I decided to cut her loose, drop the "Last One", and this is happening "for real".

Today I learned more about firing the 45 ACP, found a national forest, researched some ear protection, and asked a firing range if they could help me learn to fire. I have been having obsessive imaginative conservations with her. I wish I could tell her that I am going to die. But I can't because it's a fake relationship, she's bound to institutional policies, and honestly, she probably does not even care. Even worse, she's just as lost and confused as anybody, so how could she help me in any way?

She's going to text me. She knows I'm close. I do like her because she hasn't reported me. She does very lightly check in, but only to ask if I want to schedule a session. I have been ruminating for days on what to say.

"No, our relationship is in the past now."
I like this answer. It's true. I might go with it.

"No, this is an illegitimate relationship bordering on emotional abuse, and I regret ever engaging in it"
This is honest, but it'll just cause issues.

"I'm not seeing you anymore, but I appreciate all your help and compassion"
This is a lie. I think she might figure it out. Not that she can or will do anything about it.

And here's the answer that, shall I am serious about dying, is best:

"Let me think about it and get back to you, thanks".

This is what I need to tell her. I need her to go away. I need her to not suspect anything. I need her to have to distance because I am going to die.

She's my biggest barrier. I'm in love with her. She is the "form" that my wife takes. A good Christian woman and loving mom. My mom was a heroin addict -- probably why I like the therapist so much. What has kept me alive over 20 years of suicide ideation is this imaginary wife that is "out there" and "loves me." But I have to accept she's not here and she's not coming. And even if she did, she wouldn't be able to help me anyways.

I'm saying goodbye to everybody. I'll never be loved in this world and I think love is probably impossible. Sadly, I think God is probably not here, or actually, God wants me to die. I discovered that the world is infinitely broken and unredeemable. I think it is possible that if there is a God that God wants me dead. I think my soul may have recognized the hopeless limitations of Earth and now wants to be set free.

I am practicing seeing my death as a positive thing. It'll be a wonderful adventure. I'll be able to meet my maker or not. Best of all, this terrible existence can come to a close. I'm not worried about my cats because I have no evidence they will be here after I die. I think this is all a picture show or movie. I think the external world is just made up. If I go straight to hell when I die, it won't make sense to me, because honestly I tried my best. Hell is right here in earth. I am in hell. The moment I die my soul may be regretful and say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry". But if there is God, then I need to "check in" anyways. I think life is probably death and death is probably life. I think death is our home. I probably need to go home for a little bit. I need to rest.

I plan to go in some nice clothes. It's nice to look proper when you go back home. I want to go at my peak happiness. I've quit all drugs and pornography. I am eating healthy and resting. I want to go with a sober mind. I want to be excited and feel good about my death.

I agonize over my response to her text... And then I realize, it doesn't even matter. She never really was there to begin with. Like I closed the door on all my best friends, I have already closed the door on her. She's just a distraction now, and my response to her will be designed to trick her.

I can't believe that I let her deceive and lie to me. Giving it "one last try" and speaking with "the last person" was a terrible failure. I'm so scarred over it. It gives me nightmares. I panic. I can't believe she'd smile at me in the same room. But I need to die not out of pain for her, but because it's what I want. I am trying to let go of her so I can clear my mind for this radical adventure.

I tell myself that I'm agonizing over my response because I need her to figure it out and rescue me. There's still a part of me afraid to die. But I'm telling myself that what you're afraid of is another second on Earth. I am telling myself that it is "safe to die". It's really wonderful news. My mistake is being afraid that I am going to die soon. Instead, my suicide is me taking care of myself. It's protecting myself. It will be fast and painless. I'll be trained, I won't miss. "Stop worrying, I'll take care of you... It'll be quick... Don't worry about pointless text messages, the bigger issue is you need to go home to rest."

It may be the case that this therapist isn't right for you. I've had several, some good, some bad.

I do understand the prostitute analogy, but their job isn't to provide an emotional comfort blanket. They are meant to be working with you to find ways of resolving your issues and you need to understand that to get the most out of it. They are professionals trained to help develop a way forward with you. You wouldn't have had the same conversation with a doctor for example.

It is also the case that your therapist is not skilled in dealing with mental health crises so it would be unethical to act in that capacity.

If you feel your therapist is just acting as an emotional prostitute you need to find another one who can help you through your problems and find solutions and ways of coping.