Venting I have so much to be thankful for...but I'm just not

[TheHolySword]

For our American friends, today was Thanksgiving. I always hated this holiday. It was an excuse to see family which I always love to but it has always felt so empty to me. It makes me sad, there's so little happiness around today. I hate needing to be thankful for anything. I feel so guilty.

The truth is that I don't really have so horrible a life when you look at the surface. I have a family who loves and supports me. I have a decent paying job that I don't hate with amazing benefits and coworkers I get along with. My irl friends are all so supportive of my identity as a trans woman and never stopped loving me. Before I self sabotaged everything I had a solid support system and a blossoming relationship with the girl of my dreams (I'm all alone now though, only included this because I feel guilty giving it all up just to ctb, I feel so ungrateful for what I was given just to throw it all away). I have a roof over my head, food to eat every day, clothes, and whatever else I need to survive. I have my pets and they are in good health. I have time enough to spend on my hobbies and interests and whatever else. There's so much in my life that I should be thankful for. But I'm just not thankful for any of it. And I feel so horrible that I'm not.

I wish there was nothing at all in my life worth staying for. I wish my family was not as big as it is, I wish they didn't care about me. I wish I didn't have any irl friends that would have to look at an empty chair and think of me. I wish there were no one to miss me, no one to mourn me. I feel guilty that I am going to leave my pets without answers and they will feel that I abandoned them. I wish my life were horrible enough to justify the pain that I am in day in and day out. It's like I take it all for granted. There are so many who would take my place in a heartbeat and I wish I could give it to them because I do not want this life. I'm thankful for my younger brother because he has been my anchor for so long but when I really think about it I'm not thankful at all because without him I wouldn't have to be here anymore.

I'm just so tired. I don't know how to be thankful for a life in which I'm miserable and think about my death every waking moment. I'm lucky to have the privileges that I do. I think that I do not deserve this life.

 

[brickedup]

i feel the same way even though i have everything i need to survive and i can even buy more things for myself, but i still cant find a purpose to live. i still want to die. i feel thankful for the easy-ish life i have, but i js dont have a reason to live so its hard to consciously be aware of the good life i have.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think gratitude is a beautiful thing. Some of the happier people I've known in life seemed truly grateful for things. I think that's the thing though. I think it needs to be genuine for it to be a good thing. When it's enforced on us or, expected of us, it tends to have the reverse effect on me- I start feeling resentful!

Like- look at your life- some people would kill to have your life. Like- great- can you get them to kill me then? I think when you resent having life to begin with- everything on top of that is an automatic imposition. Sure, I'm grateful I'm not suffering as badly as some other poor sods but then- that's weirdly sadistic in a way. Thank God it's happening to them and not me!

Ultimately though- I don't think you should feel guilty. Like you said- you'd give your life to someone who wanted it if you could. I expect a lot of us here would if it meant we could be released from it.

So ultimately- it's like- what is actually our 'fault'? It's not our fault we're alive. That's down to our parents. We likely didn't choose our circumstances, our good or bad fortune in life. I suppose some of our choices in life can impact other's lives in good or bad ways so really- the most we can do is be mindful of that.

Really though- whether you were grateful for your Thanksgiving dinner or, you hated it- it won't make any difference to the person starving on the streets. Gratitude in of itself probably doesn't do a whole amount other than make a person more pleasant to be around to people in their immediate vicinity. That's my feeling anyhow.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I will never be thankful for having this hell imposed on me

I don't have the words to describe how much I detest every thing about this existence

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

Guilt is unfortunately something we as people have to deal with, it's a silly and unpredictable thing but I don't think you should feel guilty

It's not your fault that you can't appreciate these things, depression is horrible and we find ourselved being unhappy despite the circumstances wether your life was "good" or "bad" mental illness does not care for it, It doesn't matter to your head wether you've lived the grandest life or the most miserable one, you'll still feel terrible because your depression is making you feel terrible, the most you can do is realize these things you have been given in life and appreciate them even if they're small, to be thankful evern if it does make you feel guilty, because the experiences you faced and accomplished mean much more than you know