I have nothing left and I need to find a way now

[theviewfromhalfway]

My partner slept with someone else after 4 years of being together (I forgave him when it was silly online stuff in the first year as we were younger but this is unforgivable) and he won't let me leave. He said if I leave he'll tell my parents I'm suicidal and kill my dad if I told him. He's so controlling and manipulative and just says he'll deny everything and he made me delete the only pictures I had of his abuse by literally manhandling me to the ground to get it. I am covered in bruises and feel disgusting but i live with him and now I just lost my job due to having seizures from stress. I haven't fully lost it but they said due to the nature of the job I can't come back until I have a neurologist look at me even though it was only 2 I had and that can take months so I'm out of work for a while. My uni results also aren't coming back as I plagiarised myself(??? Didn't even know i could do this) so I have probably failed my first year. Before I wanted to go but I had therapy and I thought you know what my relationship is better, uni is good and I'm going to start work. Now everything has fell apart and I just want to leave. I have myself one year about 3 years ago and I still haven't. I've tried but always failed (even jumping, how tf do u fail jumping???). I just want to go and make sure I don't come back. I have a big stash of antidepressants but there's no point trying that, or slitting my wrist. My partner has a punching bag at his house which I can take down from the ceiling and use the thing it's hung on to hang myself but even after all his abuse, I couldn't do that to him. I'm too scared to jump again I just don't know what to do. I have abit of money saved up but I don't know anyone or anywhere I could get shit for it. I'm so miserable and tired I just want to leave.

 

[silence ends]

Imo never ctb for someone else.
Its hard to let go of abusive partner but may improve your mental state and quality of life dramatically, after the hard work, in the end.
Threats and other mental violence can fuck up your psyche really bad without even noticing. U may need help from outside to get out of that kind of relationship dynamics.

Im not pro-lifer or anything, u just sounded kinda young. Atleast dont do anything impulsively.

 

[theviewfromhalfway]

Imo never ctb for someone else.
Its hard to let go of abusive partner but may improve your mental state and quality of life dramatically, after the hard work, in the end.
Threats and other mental violence can fuck up your psyche really bad without even noticing. U may need help from outside to get out of that kind of relationship dynamics.

Im not pro-lifer or anything, u just sounded kinda young. Atleast dont do anything impulsively.

I felt like it before him but I get what you mean. Im 20.

 

[AShipinthedark]

I felt like it before him but I get what you mean. Im 20.

I got to double down with TVFHW here, this sounds like a situation for revenge, not CTB. Make this man rue the day he messed with you...destroy him.

OTHERWISE...I know how you feel...especially with how fucked up modern societal views of relationships are. Its not healthy...these kinds of relationships were meant for another age, but even then, growing up being taught this, it is only natural to feel destroyed by it. I know how you feel, and do not blame you feeling the way you do, it is a living hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

That really is beyond awful what you are going through, it's truly so horrible how humans create so much harm in this world, to me it's really understandable just feeling so tired of it all, I hope that you eventually find what you search for, best wishes.