Angst Filled Fuck Up
Visionary
- Sep 9, 2018
- 2,912
My life has been reduced to nothing. My chronic fatigue is so severe I can barely get out of bed. I spend all day in a dizzy, foggy haze, stumbling through one or two basic daily chores briefly just to go lie down again and try to focus on the computer screen long enough to get through a youtube video.
I am a huge burden to my family who have to support me as I do not qualify for any type of independent financial assistance. I have no friends or job and am unable to work the modicum of rideshare gig work I was doing until fairly recently.
I exist in a surreal relationship where my gf lives her own life and goes off on trips and nights out doing God knows what. I don't ask because I don't want to hear any potentially ugly truths. I am unable to form new connections because I have nothing to offer and can't partake in anything, or else I screw it up just by being me. You can be disabled and still be a not-so-great person. In fact I sometimes wonder if that sometimes makes people more callous, because they feel they have less to lose than the average Joe or Jane who tries to keep up appearances and does things by the book because, you know, that's how it's supposed to be. It's much easier to be conscientious and decent when you're functional.
My condition has deteriorated badly this year. There is no way out of this. There is no future for me because things continue to get worse and I simply can't function. It's like knowing I'm stuck in the equivalent of a wheelchair, although admittedly it's not quite that bad. But when you can hardly move or do anything without it being super unpleasant and paying a massive physical price, I suppose the feeling must be similar.
Up until this year, I tried to make an effort. But now I'm starting to see the pointlessness. I can't achieve anything on my own merit and everything is becoming more of an uphill battle. I have no value and no ability to draw in anything positive. I can't make it on my own and nothing is coming to save me.
I am a huge burden to my family who have to support me as I do not qualify for any type of independent financial assistance. I have no friends or job and am unable to work the modicum of rideshare gig work I was doing until fairly recently.
I exist in a surreal relationship where my gf lives her own life and goes off on trips and nights out doing God knows what. I don't ask because I don't want to hear any potentially ugly truths. I am unable to form new connections because I have nothing to offer and can't partake in anything, or else I screw it up just by being me. You can be disabled and still be a not-so-great person. In fact I sometimes wonder if that sometimes makes people more callous, because they feel they have less to lose than the average Joe or Jane who tries to keep up appearances and does things by the book because, you know, that's how it's supposed to be. It's much easier to be conscientious and decent when you're functional.
My condition has deteriorated badly this year. There is no way out of this. There is no future for me because things continue to get worse and I simply can't function. It's like knowing I'm stuck in the equivalent of a wheelchair, although admittedly it's not quite that bad. But when you can hardly move or do anything without it being super unpleasant and paying a massive physical price, I suppose the feeling must be similar.
Up until this year, I tried to make an effort. But now I'm starting to see the pointlessness. I can't achieve anything on my own merit and everything is becoming more of an uphill battle. I have no value and no ability to draw in anything positive. I can't make it on my own and nothing is coming to save me.
