Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 88
I'm so tired of Even trying. Constantly I try to be what people want me to be. socialising and initiating conversation. But when I do the majority of times I dont Even get a response or they switch to someone Else quickly as can be. I dont know what I'm doing wrong. I really try my best but I'm growing tired of Even trying. People dont see me anyways, not Even my «closest» associates. Constantly hearing «Where were you» or «jeez you scared me» when I'm in the same space as everyone Else. I dont try to be invisable but its seems a natural skill for me or Im just not important enough to notice,
This is how its always been. Why Even bother continuing if this Will just keep going?
Ever since I was a child this is how its been. They dont Even seem like they feel bad for doing it, like its an instinct at this point.
Or when we're in a group talking and I try to say something I get disgusted glances or a sickly «ok
» in respons, if they Even bother to do that at least. Most times its mostly ignored and changed subject, talked over or breaking me off.
This part of my life hasnt helped with feeling disconnected. Sometimes it genuinly feels like Im just observing the world, I can Even see myself in another angle from how I cant Even feel real at times. Im there but not noticed. Makes me sick thinking no one wants me around to the point they make me the dirt under their feet or brick me up in a wall to be a part of just the surroundings they dont have to think about.
Definitviley didn't help either when yesterday I got a comment from one of the ones I sometimes talk with saying «Your voice has no personality» and just left it at that. And he tried to explain it so it didn't sound bad for him, but I dont really care. Why bother to change how I talk if its not to be used often anyways. Just hearing I have no personality stings. Its no the first time either. Plenty times I've heard people point out how in the group they all fit 2 and 2 together in personality and then its just me. They dont seem to feel bad for saying any of it. And After a while the whole thing about how I was percieved went from just quiet to having the personality trait
depressed. As if im nothing more than this. And I suppose that part they're right about.
Over time I've lost my interest, hobbies, anything that was outside of my head. Im just surviving through coping mechanisms and nothing else
This is how its always been. Why Even bother continuing if this Will just keep going?
Ever since I was a child this is how its been. They dont Even seem like they feel bad for doing it, like its an instinct at this point.
Or when we're in a group talking and I try to say something I get disgusted glances or a sickly «ok
» in respons, if they Even bother to do that at least. Most times its mostly ignored and changed subject, talked over or breaking me off.This part of my life hasnt helped with feeling disconnected. Sometimes it genuinly feels like Im just observing the world, I can Even see myself in another angle from how I cant Even feel real at times. Im there but not noticed. Makes me sick thinking no one wants me around to the point they make me the dirt under their feet or brick me up in a wall to be a part of just the surroundings they dont have to think about.
Definitviley didn't help either when yesterday I got a comment from one of the ones I sometimes talk with saying «Your voice has no personality» and just left it at that. And he tried to explain it so it didn't sound bad for him, but I dont really care. Why bother to change how I talk if its not to be used often anyways. Just hearing I have no personality stings. Its no the first time either. Plenty times I've heard people point out how in the group they all fit 2 and 2 together in personality and then its just me. They dont seem to feel bad for saying any of it. And After a while the whole thing about how I was percieved went from just quiet to having the personality trait
depressed. As if im nothing more than this. And I suppose that part they're right about. Over time I've lost my interest, hobbies, anything that was outside of my head. Im just surviving through coping mechanisms and nothing else
