Venting I have no reasons to be sad

[liffey]

I've been blessed with amazing parents that love me, enough intelligence to have a bright future (in others' perspectives), a body without any chronic conditions, great friends and I've never gone through trauma. People here suffer from depression as a result of a myriad of problems, yet I have none of them. I often feel a sense of guilt because how fortunate I am and how there are no apparent causes to why I am sad - it's just that I have no reasons to be happy either. My happiness is fragile, and purely seems like a temporary escape to my underlying depression that has only gone downhill since a year or two ago. Sometimes, the process of happiness fading away is accelerated by my fears of it doing so.

I feel entitled to say this, but there's just no appeal in being able to live a "comfortable life" in the future. I have hobbies, but I don't find them as fun anymore. I guess I'm temporarily happy when I hang out with people I care about, but it seems like they aren't as interested. It's mostly me who invite people, and sometimes plans get cancelled last-minute. I tend to overthink a lot, but it just appears to me that I'm a boring person and others can bring them more joy. Maybe these thoughts exacerbate my sadness.

I know I'm ungrateful for what I have, but I genuinely don't know how people enjoy living. Seeing everyone else so happy effortlessly just isolates me further. I want to CTB every day, but I don't want to hurt people who care about me. It's honestly quite pathetic that I'm living for others but not for myself.

 

[LocalAngel]

Depression is a weird spectrum, this kind of thing isn't abnormal for depressed people. The question is, do you think you can get better realistically, and do you even want to? These questions are important to consider. But i guess you wouldn't be here if you didn't think about it..

I'm here if you ever need to talk.

 

[ThisIsLife]

It is not as uncommon as you may think.
Reasons to want to live are as valid as reasons to want to die, we are all unique and experiencing life differently.
I often compare it to relativity, as multiple observers can look at the same events and draw different conclusions from where they at. But as we are humans, we don't just measure our environement, we feel it.
As a matter of fact, i used to know people who were rich, educated, healthy and good looking my whole life, that were miserable, and still are.

It's not a matter of what life gave you, but what you make (most) out of it.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

unpopular opinion, but i dont think anyone needs a comprehensible-to-other-people reason to kill themselves. if you want to die, that's a valid reason in itself. you make the choice for yourself.

 

[jodes2]

Depression is a bitch. Don't beat yourself up, it can affect anyone. Get help! Find meds that work for you

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's why depression is ultimately an illness. It doesn't care about your circumstances necessarily. You're not being ungrateful. It doesn't sound like how you could easily drive away the gloom by thinking Happy Thoughts of gratitude anyways.

 

[FuneralCry]

Nobody should have to feel grateful at all, as it isn't like any of us chose to exist here. We were all so unfairly burdened with existence and your feelings are valid. I at least know that in my case I could never want to exist no matter the circumstances and existing doesn't appeal to me at all. Maybe some people are just not meant for existing, at least that's the case for me.

 

[imcurious]

Hey, I'm a lot like you. I have loving parents, an education, and I have a decent amount of friends who care 'enough.' I still feel incredibly lost in this life. There are unbearable days when I want nothing more than to CTB.

I dont think it's wise to compare your feelings or situtation to others. Experiences that are not ours will inevitably exist on a spectrum--someone's story will be worse than yours, and, simultaneously, someone else's story will be "better" than yours, no matter how bad or good your situation is.

Would you like to get better? Have you tried therapy, or meds, or a lifestyle change? Therapy helped me a lot during my dark days, and being active and pursuing my education also helped me rid some of the dark thoughts. Nonetheless, this path and life is for you to feel however you please. I'm always open for conversation.

 

[CantWait2D1E]

Seeing everyone else so happy effortlessly just isolates me further.

I think this is the biggest misconception among us depressed people. Literally everyone is going through something. Various conditions and thoughts plaguing their mind, yes, but no one's perfect. The idea that there are people out there who are just so peaceful and happy and they've never gone through a rough patch or dealt with trauma is a distortion in your mind. No one asked to be on this world, some people are just better at making the most of it than others. Comparing yourself to "normal" people when that does not exist is just a recipe for hurt.

I do know how you feel. I was gifted with opportunities that others would kill for. Didn't make me a damn bit happier. I knew my depression was at its lowest point when I couldn't even attend events that I'm supposed to feel happy at (family gatherings/ hanging out with friends). I can't tell you how to fix those feelings, medication and therapy never worked for me. Just know that your feelings are valid, your emotions are real, nothing can take that from you. It's only for you to decide if you're going to fight through this or take the easy way out. Both are perfectly reasonable courses of action in my mind.

 

[RichardFirst]

Depression has and will continue to strike people from all walks of life. There are people who have utterly desperate existences who have no with to checkout, and there are multi-billionaires who have everything who CTB. There is no logic to depression. If you have it, you know what it is about, but if you don't, it seems unfathomable.

 

[hellispink]

Life is sad by itself. The art of breathing and existing is sad and miserable. You do not need more reasons and if you do , then think about all the people who are abused everyday , who would be happy in such world. That is also a reason to be sad.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do understand where you are coming from. My life is objectively better than many people's but likely- worse than others.

I think the trouble is- there seems to be this obligation to make the most out of life in order to make yourself 'happy'. Maybe we do this for others. Perhaps- because others maybe do it for us- they get frustrated when we don't seem to put in the same amount of effort. I don't know. I feel like some people do find it easier to be 'happy' than others. Some people feel more of an obligation to be that way. I worked with a guy once who apologised one day if he was a bit sombre because his Dad had just died. I was that way most days- without apologising!

Still- it certainly sounds like you are suffering from depression- if things you used to enjoy don't seem to matter anymore. Are you seeking any treatment for it?

Honestly- it frustrates me really. Like other people have said- we didn't choose this. We didn't agree to any of it. Why SHOULD we be happy or grateful when we don't actually want any of it?!! Like you- I'm tired of doing all this just because it will upset people if I choose to CTB.

 

[liffey]

Thanks for the support and sharing your experiences, at least I'm not alone.

It's infuriating because there are occasional periods in which I feel none of the negative emotions I felt a day before, giving me a false hope that I magically got better before returning to a somewhat worse state. It feels like being trapped in a roller coaster trending downwards.

Honestly, the thought of a permanent solution is relieving, that I can stop dealing with thoughts people around me won't understand anyways. It's as if we're in two different worlds and I don't want to drag people down with me.

I don't buy the blind optimism that things will surely get better or I'll eventually find something to live for. Anyways, I'll consider therapy and see if it gets better. If not, at least I have an option.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Depression is a bitch. Don't beat yourself up, it can affect anyone. Get help! Find meds that work for you

I agree with everything on here except the meds part. I know you want to give people good advice and hope but meds aren't the answer for everything. In my case I wouldn't be on this forum if it wasn't for SSRI's ruining my life. I'm not saying it's a common thing to occur and my circumstances where also a bit different but I've seen many people here trying almost every psychmed and combination there is and still feel the same or even worse. I might probably also take this a bit personal (I apologize but I can't help it) cuz of my hate to this meds as they destroyed my whole life. I don't know what I even want to say anymore and where this is going I'll just leave it by here

 

[hughmun9]

I used to feel the same way. I would've also said that I got very lucky in life. And I understand how that's so painful... to want to CTB even though you've been 'blessed' and are 'lucky' to get what you have. Amazing parents that love me and support me financially. Good enough intellect for a bright future. No trauma that I can think of. Competent at the things I do. Tall, healthy. Some friendships, maybe a bit shallow but still something. With shame, I admit I wished I lived through some tangible, showable, visible trauma. Something I could've shown to myself that would justify my thoughts. That way at least there would've been a clue as to what was wrong. That being said, 5 years ago I jumped in front of a train.

Roughly a year ago I realized that I did actually have some CPTSD from some trauma! It was very very difficult to detect and I was lucky to have been able to find it. Out of courtesy since you posted this on the suicide forum and not the recovery forum I won't dive any deeper. People are very complex and your situation could be very different from mine. But if you're curious to talk about this, I could ask you some questions I wished mental health professionals asked me when I was younger. That way I would've been saved from so much hurt. If you don't have a similar situation to me, no harm's done, at least you'd be able to rule out a cause.