0xdobalina
Member
- Aug 29, 2023
- 15
I had a normal life until 2018-20. A comfy 6 figure job, wife, house, cars etc. lived in London, rich social life. Popular guy, in great shape.
Little did anyone know I had a crippling gambling addiction manifesting in trading.
I made a bunch of money in crypto in 2015-7. In 2018 started trading and became addicted. I was having marital issues and have a history of compulsive behaviours (eating, exercise, shopping, gambling) dating back to my teens. I lost everything, got into credit card debt and then embezzled from my employer. I lost my wife and home. I was so narcissistic, I blamed it all on my marriage. My family helped to replace what I'd taken. I carried on working, and moved into a new place in mid 2020. I was in some debt but it wasn't totally disastrous, I just lost all the equity in the house to my ex wife.
But still I couldn't stop. One day in December 2020 I had to tell my boss what I'd done.
Since then life has been a living hell. Again my family helped replace what I'd taken. I had to move back in with my parents. I narrowly avoided prison thanks to them. And then I went to rehab. I came out of rehab in delusional optimism and started applying for jobs, being candid about what I'd done. Needless to say, I didn't get very far. Ultimately I had to declare myself bankrupt.
I tried to start trading in some kind of sobriety. It was going reasonably well for a while.
Then last October I met a girl online. I hadn't been with anyone since 2020, and was desperate for connection and intimacy. And in her I found it, in spades. She was Lithuanian, which worked for me, long distance was no problem, in fact while I was at my parents it was ideal. I fell deeply in love with her, even though it was toxic and inconsistent, she felt amazing to me. But it didn't work out. She saw I was depressed and didn't understand why. I hadn't told her about the embezzlement or bankruptcy at that point. Really it all ended in March when she saw how depressed I was around my birthday. But we kept talking and I went to see her in early July, where she told me it was over within 10 minutes of meeting her having flown 1600km to see her.
I was destroyed. She was the only good thing in my life and gave me an anchor to build a reality around. I came back and blew up my trading account that week. Started on antidepressants soon after that. They've helped me to get out of bed. But I just feel numb, and there are still many moments of intense pain.
I have absolutely nothing. I have a few friends who reach out and care. But beyond that I have no future. I'm borderline unemployable because of what I did, and having been out of work for almost 3 years. I have no marketable skills. I have no way of creating a future I want to live. I am 40 years old.
The emotional pain I'm in is excruciating. Stronger than anything physical I've ever felt. I captured a picture of myself in a moment of struggle and it's honestly frightening.
With access to an easy method I'd have CTB many times over by now. I've considered CO by charcoal but the possibility of getting it wrong and ending up with brain damage frightens me. But I got as far as finding a location to drive to. Once I went shopping for materials. I found it oddly amusing.
Little did anyone know I had a crippling gambling addiction manifesting in trading.
I made a bunch of money in crypto in 2015-7. In 2018 started trading and became addicted. I was having marital issues and have a history of compulsive behaviours (eating, exercise, shopping, gambling) dating back to my teens. I lost everything, got into credit card debt and then embezzled from my employer. I lost my wife and home. I was so narcissistic, I blamed it all on my marriage. My family helped to replace what I'd taken. I carried on working, and moved into a new place in mid 2020. I was in some debt but it wasn't totally disastrous, I just lost all the equity in the house to my ex wife.
But still I couldn't stop. One day in December 2020 I had to tell my boss what I'd done.
Since then life has been a living hell. Again my family helped replace what I'd taken. I had to move back in with my parents. I narrowly avoided prison thanks to them. And then I went to rehab. I came out of rehab in delusional optimism and started applying for jobs, being candid about what I'd done. Needless to say, I didn't get very far. Ultimately I had to declare myself bankrupt.
I tried to start trading in some kind of sobriety. It was going reasonably well for a while.
Then last October I met a girl online. I hadn't been with anyone since 2020, and was desperate for connection and intimacy. And in her I found it, in spades. She was Lithuanian, which worked for me, long distance was no problem, in fact while I was at my parents it was ideal. I fell deeply in love with her, even though it was toxic and inconsistent, she felt amazing to me. But it didn't work out. She saw I was depressed and didn't understand why. I hadn't told her about the embezzlement or bankruptcy at that point. Really it all ended in March when she saw how depressed I was around my birthday. But we kept talking and I went to see her in early July, where she told me it was over within 10 minutes of meeting her having flown 1600km to see her.
I was destroyed. She was the only good thing in my life and gave me an anchor to build a reality around. I came back and blew up my trading account that week. Started on antidepressants soon after that. They've helped me to get out of bed. But I just feel numb, and there are still many moments of intense pain.
I have absolutely nothing. I have a few friends who reach out and care. But beyond that I have no future. I'm borderline unemployable because of what I did, and having been out of work for almost 3 years. I have no marketable skills. I have no way of creating a future I want to live. I am 40 years old.
The emotional pain I'm in is excruciating. Stronger than anything physical I've ever felt. I captured a picture of myself in a moment of struggle and it's honestly frightening.
With access to an easy method I'd have CTB many times over by now. I've considered CO by charcoal but the possibility of getting it wrong and ending up with brain damage frightens me. But I got as far as finding a location to drive to. Once I went shopping for materials. I found it oddly amusing.
