I have no clue why I‘m doing this

[akina]

Hi. It's so weird. Since I decided that I want to ctb I'm wasting money on things I don't necessarily need. I think that would makes me feel happy but that's not the case. I'm freaking out because I ran out of money and I question my existence. I have no idea what I should do in the future. I'd love to study at an art college but I'm not good enough. But that would be the only thing that would makes me happy and worth living. I'm at home an I have no energy to do something. Then since a few months it's so exhausting. When I'm alone at home or in a room I'm always talking to myself but not in a good way. "You have to die, We all have to die, you have to do it, there is no other way, he has to die with you, we have to do this together, I have to die, you're doing this today, you deserve this, please go , go away, leave me alone, die!"
It scares me. I can't control it. These words are coming out of my mouth without thinking about it. Maybe I put my self under pressure that I should do it now. This happens to me at least ten times a day and always when I think about certain people or things I experienced that I'm ashamed of. I'm so sick of it. I would like to buy N but it's too expensive for me. Even partial hanging doesn't work for me. Only my hands and feet are tingeling, I'm feeling exhausted, stupid, sick. That'a all. I wish it would be that easy....
I hope I'm not the only one...

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I don't mean to play the therapist lol (and am far from qualified) but who/what are the words directed towards? Is it maybe a cry for help or simply directed towards yourself? What does "he has to die with you, we have to do this together" mean? I often talk to myself as a 'we', like "we have to be ready for this appointment on monday" but thought I'd check.

Otherwise yes, I am doing things I wouldn't have thought myself capable of prior to choosing, my anxiety is gone because fuck these people I'm gonna die. I'm not racking up debt but I'm speding way more than I did before, because I don't have any dependents and won't have to pay. It scares me sometimes not gonna lie.

 

[Naki]

Since I decided that I want to ctb I'm wasting money on things I don't necessarily need. I think that would makes me feel happy but that's not the case.

I know exactly what you mean. What came with my determination to CTB soon was a certain reckless behavior, including how I spend my money. I think to myself "So what, it's not like I have any use for it once I'm dead". I'm eating out almost daily, bought a bunch of new clothes, spend money spontaniously, all that shit. But as you said, it doesn't really make me feel any better. You would think freedom of planning your finances ahead would put a certain weight off your shoulders but it really doesn't for me. If you drive it too far and go completely broke it might even worsen your situation and act as a catalyst to CTB. Although it is up to debate if that is really such a bad thing.

I'm at home an I have no energy to do something.

This is also a thing I experience, absolute lack of any energy or motivation to do anything, simply because nothing really brings any joy. I'm just pointlessly idling my time away, hoping I don't get any anxiety attacks. It's like crawling through mud every day, time just goes on and on with no purpose. And if you have no energy or motivation to do anything, the only thing you are left with are indulging in your own thoughts, which with me is just an amalgamation of rage, frustration, anxiety, sadless, envy, doubts, all that negative shit. You torture yourself.
So no, you are not the only one. But the thing is, even if there are people who feel similarly to you, it doesn't really do you any good. Knowing people suffer just the same way, it's not like it makes you feel any better. At least it doesn't for me.
I wish you the best.

 

[Onlyborrowedtime]

Hi. It's so weird. Since I decided that I want to ctb I'm wasting money on things I don't necessarily need. I think that would makes me feel happy but that's not the case. I'm freaking out because I ran out of money and I question my existence. I have no idea what I should do in the future. I'd love to study at an art college but I'm not good enough. But that would be the only thing that would makes me happy and worth living. I'm at home an I have no energy to do something. Then since a few months it's so exhausting. When I'm alone at home or in a room I'm always talking to myself but not in a good way. "You have to die, We all have to die, you have to do it, there is no other way, he has to die with you, we have to do this together, I have to die, you're doing this today, you deserve this, please go , go away, leave me alone, die!"
It scares me. I can't control it. These words are coming out of my mouth without thinking about it. Maybe I put my self under pressure that I should do it now. This happens to me at least ten times a day and always when I think about certain people or things I experienced that I'm ashamed of. I'm so sick of it. I would like to buy N but it's too expensive for me. Even partial hanging doesn't work for me. Only my hands and feet are tingeling, I'm feeling exhausted, stupid, sick. That'a all. I wish it would be that easy....
I hope I'm not the only one...

From a scientific point of view buying stuff triggers a dopamine release whether you like the stuff or not. That's why we get shopaholics. We are slaves to our dopamine instincts. Dopamine addicts. So with no drive to live you lose that restraint and so your primal dopamine instinct runs riot.

It's pretty common that people indulge in reckless behaviour when knowing they want to CTB. 1. It makes you feel more worthless because you think "I'm wasting my money/eating crap/acting badly". 2. Your body craves dopamine so as a potential survival instinct it may be trying to "force" happyness by making you take part in activities that release short term dopamine fixes (however this is really bad for long term happyness). 3. There was a recent study that showed that people who took part in a planned suicide showed signs of increasingly risky behaviour to help them prepare metally for it.

I hope this helps shed some light you're not alone, and actually you're just very human!

 

[Esc9434]

Find some hobbies.

Outside of art, what were you good at in grade school?

Art is just one of many ways to express creativity.

 

[Vertigo]

I used to spend 100 € or more on alcohol a night sometimes, drink half of it, feel sick and throw the other half away. Meanwhile I wouldn't even have enough to buy bread the next morning.

 

[noko]

It scares me. I can't control it. These words are coming out of my mouth without thinking about it.

Sounds like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder to me.