I have my method pretty well thought out

[descartes]

I want to do a full suspension and at least for the next little while I have a very good setup for it. The problem is that I freak out and can't do it. In the past I've attempted to ctb by mixing benzos and alcohol which has always really fucked me up but I wake up fine either in the morning or like a day later. So what I'm planning on doing is both at the same time that way I'll be too fucked up to even realize what is going on while I do full suspension. My only issue is that I'm having a little trouble getting my hands on some benzos at the moment. I have a hookup for vistaril which supposedly has a similar effect as benzos and is also supposed to have a bad interaction with alcohol so I guess it will leave me pretty fucked up and I'll be able to full suspension in peace but it's just unfortunate because I'm not familiar enough with vistaril to feel totally comfortable with it. I'm still trying to get benzos but if I can't I'm just gonna take the vistaril. The only problem is I kind of want this to be over with already. I'm just really excited that I figured this out and I can't talk to any of my friends about it because they're all so falsely positive all the time and it pisses me off so much. It's not that it pisses me off it's just like it's my body my choice and you don't know what I'm going through I promise you. Even this girl I know that I reached out to about getting some xanax was just bitching to me about being more positive and going to the gym like fuck that. She has the audacity to tell me I call her up complaining all the time I never call her I just called her for benzos but this is how people are everyone wants to tell you what to think and how to be but noone wants to listen. Like as if this girl is going to be making my decisions for me for the rest of my life that I should put aside what I know in my heart and listen to her. Anyways I think I really figured it out this time. I think the universe is conspiring against me to make sure I can't get it done the same way the universe has been conspiring against me my whole life but fuck you universe I am getting this done. All I need is some benzos, a bottle of Irish whiskey, and a tie. If my set up for full suspension goes awry (it's really such a beautiful setup I can't even begin to explain how perfect It is) before I can get my hands on benzos then I'm gonna do partial I feel happy again almost having this worked out like I have a legitimate goal that I'm working towards. Goodbye to all the people I couldn't make happy because I'm not superman. Maybe if you hadn't been so insistent on not meeting me halfway things could have been different. Good for you for sticking to your guns and not extending yourself an inch.