Yeah I did not expect that. It is a long story and I am very scared about doxxing. I won't go into details. I have met her for the second time. But there were no dates we just the same course in college. I gonna fuck this up so hard I already know this. Damn this will hurt so fucking much. The fact that I have met her gave me a lot of hope but my illness (psychosis, OCD and mania) destroyed every attempt to get a girlfried utterly and absurdly so far. A lot of cringey stuff happened due to my illness. I am overthinking stuff so extremely much. I might take a benzo before I meet her for the next time. I don't know if I get a girlfriend in exchange becoming a benzo addict might be worth it. (I am only joking.)
She made the first steps. She approached me. But it is complicated. I also tried to show interest without revealing that I am an extremely desperate loser-loner. I was really surprised that she was interested in me. She is looking pretty good. And she looks like she would spend a lot of time to perfect her outer appearance.
(maybe that is just a bias but her face looked pretty flawless I won't go into details but not everything looked fully natural/ I don't mean surgery with that.) I don't look bad. A woman who had a crush on me told me for example that I look pretty good. (But I have some flaws which are unpleasant.) I would not have approached her with the intention to find a gf.
She is on another level compared to me. Especially I often don't give a fuck about how I look like. This is why I was pretty surprised that she showed interest in me.
We had longer conversations. We share some similarities (interests and behaviors). Though I really doubt that she is a mental wreck just like me. I personally think (also because I know such partnerships) a relationship between someone mentally ill and a neurotypical is possible. But probaby not in my case.
I am very sure I gonna fuck it up. I have fucked up every attempt to get a gf so far abysmally. It gives me hope for sure but I will be so heartbroken when I fuck it up. I already had to lie one time about me in order not to reveal that something is wrong with me. I don't have as many courses as other students not sure how I shall communicate that to her. Maybe I will admit that the next time I will talk about that with my therapist.
I try to keep calm. Overthinking is my biggest enemy. Not sure whether I will screw it up soon but at the latest when we will text each other. I am horrible in these mind games. Don't show too much interest etc. etc. I once texted a girl for like 1 hour and she told me we were soulmates etc That there is this spiritual energy between us. (To be honest this also did not sound fully sane but I doubt she was mentally ill) This screwed me up mentally. It felt really surreal I fucked it up at the same evening. But I have not wanted to be in a partnership with her anyway. Still it hurt a lot because my illness destroyed it once again.
I think my brain won't really learn from these past attempts. I think I will just repeat the old mistakes. I think there are some signs that I am unable to be in a relationship. It is one of my biggest desires but I think my illness makes it impossible or at least very very difficult. This is for me personally one of my main reasons for suicide. At least this forum won't exclude me (hopefully) no matter how paranoid I get.
There is also the question why this girl/woman even has interest in me in the first place. I have a theory. Maybe she likes my outer appearance but I think there are probably more reasons. I am an insecure eloquent smart-ass neurotic. ( I think I have forgotten the last term. I had a better one than neurotic.) Maybe this is just a stereotype or as usual overanalyzing. But some people have interest in shy/insecure people who can be when they are not exposed to society very interesting/honest people. I think this is all too much speculations maybe there is no deeper reason for the fact that she showed interest. My first thought was she might exploit my good nature but it does not seem to be like that.
Anyway I gonna fuck it up anyway/or my brain wreck. It will break my heart. I will keep you updated about all this cynicism but it will take time till we meet us the next time. I was too shy to ask for her phone number. I try to be more defensive and not too offensive. This gonna be such a pain. The hope gives me a reason to live. But when the hope is taken from me it feels like something would die inside myself. And I think it might induce mania. Maybe I should take more medication. Yeah I will do that.
Just fuck my brain.
She made the first steps. She approached me. But it is complicated. I also tried to show interest without revealing that I am an extremely desperate loser-loner. I was really surprised that she was interested in me. She is looking pretty good. And she looks like she would spend a lot of time to perfect her outer appearance.
(maybe that is just a bias but her face looked pretty flawless I won't go into details but not everything looked fully natural/ I don't mean surgery with that.) I don't look bad. A woman who had a crush on me told me for example that I look pretty good. (But I have some flaws which are unpleasant.) I would not have approached her with the intention to find a gf.
She is on another level compared to me. Especially I often don't give a fuck about how I look like. This is why I was pretty surprised that she showed interest in me.
We had longer conversations. We share some similarities (interests and behaviors). Though I really doubt that she is a mental wreck just like me. I personally think (also because I know such partnerships) a relationship between someone mentally ill and a neurotypical is possible. But probaby not in my case.
I am very sure I gonna fuck it up. I have fucked up every attempt to get a gf so far abysmally. It gives me hope for sure but I will be so heartbroken when I fuck it up. I already had to lie one time about me in order not to reveal that something is wrong with me. I don't have as many courses as other students not sure how I shall communicate that to her. Maybe I will admit that the next time I will talk about that with my therapist.
I try to keep calm. Overthinking is my biggest enemy. Not sure whether I will screw it up soon but at the latest when we will text each other. I am horrible in these mind games. Don't show too much interest etc. etc. I once texted a girl for like 1 hour and she told me we were soulmates etc That there is this spiritual energy between us. (To be honest this also did not sound fully sane but I doubt she was mentally ill) This screwed me up mentally. It felt really surreal I fucked it up at the same evening. But I have not wanted to be in a partnership with her anyway. Still it hurt a lot because my illness destroyed it once again.
I think my brain won't really learn from these past attempts. I think I will just repeat the old mistakes. I think there are some signs that I am unable to be in a relationship. It is one of my biggest desires but I think my illness makes it impossible or at least very very difficult. This is for me personally one of my main reasons for suicide. At least this forum won't exclude me (hopefully) no matter how paranoid I get.
There is also the question why this girl/woman even has interest in me in the first place. I have a theory. Maybe she likes my outer appearance but I think there are probably more reasons. I am an insecure eloquent smart-ass neurotic. ( I think I have forgotten the last term. I had a better one than neurotic.) Maybe this is just a stereotype or as usual overanalyzing. But some people have interest in shy/insecure people who can be when they are not exposed to society very interesting/honest people. I think this is all too much speculations maybe there is no deeper reason for the fact that she showed interest. My first thought was she might exploit my good nature but it does not seem to be like that.
Anyway I gonna fuck it up anyway/or my brain wreck. It will break my heart. I will keep you updated about all this cynicism but it will take time till we meet us the next time. I was too shy to ask for her phone number. I try to be more defensive and not too offensive. This gonna be such a pain. The hope gives me a reason to live. But when the hope is taken from me it feels like something would die inside myself. And I think it might induce mania. Maybe I should take more medication. Yeah I will do that.
Just fuck my brain.
Last edited:
