Venting I Have It Good, But I Always Feel Sad

[Schevan]

My life isn't terrible. I have a family, a mother, a sister that love me. Two other siblings that don't really care about me. Pets that want nothing more than to be by my side. I have a little mobile home that I can call my own now. I have an old car that's all mine. I had a decent job, that I quit, to start a better one. But all of these things, and I still feel like nothing is worth it. I see no true reason to move on in life. It's just more work. The pains that I have will never go away, physical and mental. Forever living in a situation where I don't feel happy.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I tried to get help - therapy, and such. They lied. Told me it was confidential. Everyone "mysteriously" found out by the end of the day. I don't trust them. When they took me to the mental health ward - I felt like I was in prison. Acted fake for them, and lied to them, telling them I was fine. I couldn't stand being locked in like that. Am I just being selfish? I don't understand why I want to drop dead, other than obviously having a relief from life. Despite what I have gained, and the comfortable status I have.

 

[inthemoonblue]

I'm so sorry you're suffering like this. I can relate a lot, I've been so lucky in this life, I feel like I have no reason to not be happy. I think mental illness is just a lot more complicated than that though. You can have everything in the world and still suffer from depression, it's just like any other physical ailment. Do try to use the resources that you have if you can though—try a new therapist, talk to the people that love you, spend your money on something that could bring you joy. I wish you the best. ♡

 

[WornOutLife]

Your story is so similar to mine! The only difference is that I got lucky and didn't end up in a psych ward.
As for lies, I had to do the same because otherwise, I would never be free. (was a prisoner in my parents' house and wasn't allowed to live alone in my apartment)

Then, I finally became free but depression is so stuck with me that I can't have a 100% happy/normal day without feeling down.


What can we do? Just try to cope with it I guess. I hope better times are coming for us.

 

[Schevan]

Your story is so similar to mine! The only difference is that I got lucky and didn't end up in a psych ward.
As for lies, I had to do the same because otherwise, I would never be free. (was a prisoner in my parents' house and wasn't allowed to live alone in my apartment)

Then, I finally became free but depression is so stuck with me that I can't have a 100% happy/normal day without feeling down.


What can we do? Just try to cope with it I guess. I hope better times are coming for us.

I am sorry to hear that. It is painful to know that there are others that don't really have many places to turn to when we are like this. Not without feeling like we're being caged and treated like an unwanted issue. I hope things get better for you.

 

[wait.what]

There's nothing wrong with my life either. Each time I'm in the hospital (which is often), I get put into these group therapy sessions where people talk about the terrible things that got them there. I've been in there with mothers who've had their children murdered, with folks facing serious prison time for things they did in their substance addictions, with abused spouses who were afraid to go home, the whole 9 yards. Then when it's my turn to talk, they're like, "What brought you here?" And all I can say is, "I ... don't know?"

There's honestly nothing that hospital can do for me, and I think they know it and it frustrates them. Lord knows it frustrates me. I keep going back instead of ctb, though, because I don't want my family to have to go through the trauma of the literal and metaphorical mopping-up that comes after a suicide. They've gone above and beyond for me, and don't deserve having a crazy fuck like me for a relative. I really don't know what else to do at this point, though.

This spring will be the 40th anniversary of my descent into mental illness. Even if whatever is wrong with me was reversible at one point, I doubt it is now. Too many pills with no actual effects, just side effects, too much depressive neglect of my physical health, too much wasted time and lost opportunities.

Normally i'd apologize for whining and not being a brave little soldier, but I think that here, of all places, I'm not going to do that.

Thanks for being a place where people are allowed to express the despair they've earned the right to feel, SS.