I have honestly tried to keep living but I don't know if I can make it work

[silentvoice]

Lately I have been trying to keep myself afloat by surrounding myself with positive things and hobbies in an effort to recover. It's really, REALLY hard. Especially when the idea of suicide keeps looming in the back of your brain, reminding you what a failure and how irreparably fucked you are. I honestly don't know if living is right for me, considering I also can't function in society due to a lack of social skills or the fact that, because of a vocal condition, it is hard to talk to other people in the first place. I cannot afford a doctor that can help me and I can't keep living off my parents because of my conscience telling me to stop being a parasite. If I cannot figure this out, I might as well just end it here.

 

[SawItOnce]

Hi Silentvoice, I feel you.
Do you feel like sharing more about your situation?

 

[silentvoice]

Hi Silentvoice, I feel you.
Do you feel like sharing more about your situation?

Sure, I currently have trouble speaking due to muscle strain on my vocal cords. I have to create strain in my voice in an attempt to sound feminine (I am MTF trans). The only way to fix it is to have surgery but I cannot afford it. Even if I could, vocal surgery for MTF sucks right now and it might damage my voice even more. So I don't really talk much to other people or my family members. I want to, and it really hurts that I can't, but I literally cannot speak to them at times.

To circumvent this I am trying to improve my life in other areas to compensate. I have been drawing, reading, playing video games, etc. while on vocal rest. The thoughts of worthlessness and my inability to do things hurts me a lot so it's really hard to focus on these hobbies. There's a deep loneliness inside of me that won't go away due because of my condition. I can't focus anymore and I fall back to suicide to cope with this.

 

[Francois]

Lately I have been trying to keep myself afloat by surrounding myself with positive things and hobbies in an effort to recover. It's really, REALLY hard. Especially when the idea of suicide keeps looming in the back of your brain, reminding you what a failure and how irreparably fucked you are. I honestly don't know if living is right for me, considering I also can't function in society due to a lack of social skills or the fact that, because of a vocal condition, it is hard to talk to other people in the first place. I cannot afford a doctor that can help me and I can't keep living off my parents because of my conscience telling me to stop being a parasite. If I cannot figure this out, I might as well just end it here.

Hi Silentvoice

I really understand how you feel. I also have speech disability and I also live with my dad.
My mom died last year and both my mom and dad told me they were fortunate to have me near, living with them.
I think both your parents are glad to have their child close and safe with them. You are not a parasite, never tell yourself that.
Don't care about what other people think, co-habitation is the future and in many cultures this is the norm.

 

[silentvoice]

Hi Silentvoice

I really understand how you feel. I also have speech disability and I also live with my dad.
My mom died last year and both my mom and dad told me they were fortunate to have me near, living with them.
I think both your parents are glad to have their child close and safe with them. You are not a parasite, never tell yourself that.
Don't care about what other people think, co-habitation is the future and in many cultures this is the norm.

I appreciate it, but I don't know if I can live with just them in my life.

 

[SawItOnce]

I know what crippling loneliness is, nothing can alleviate it truly, nothing other than true presence and caring, and if you're sexual, then also true sexual intimacy. Without one of these, everything seems either unbearable or not worth solving.

I can't imagine the pains of a person who's mtf, let alone mtf *and* struggling with connecting and also with physical conditions aggravating social interaction even more... but humans are very strong beings and they can transcend tremendous difficulties...

From my experience I know that there's no way around the need for genuine human connection, so a way to rise above the drowning line would be to invest yourself in untying the knots that you have there. Exhaust the possibilities that you can see, and then find some more, less obvious, ways of trying to connect. And definitely connect with yourself. Looking inside yourself in reach for understanding love you'll discover many solutions to other (seemingly unrelated) issues.

I can see how living with the parents is daunting... and the fact that in the moment you can't see that changing must be terrifying, but things do change. Tomorrow you'll know more than today, tomorrow you may find natural to do things that now seem alien to you, the current situation will shift.

All one can do is to do the maximum they can with what they have and what they know in the moment. Try to find out what is the maximum that you can do now.

How is your voice progressing?

P.S. But if you're tired to be strong or of trying to be, let yourself cry, feel self-pity, feel anger, feel everything that a powerless person can feel, because we can indeed be powerless in some moments. The waves of strength and powerlessness come alternatively, no need to fear that you'll never feel courage again if you let yourself be lost, the courage is inevitable. Just look at how SI is pissing off people here. How people fight again and again, despite even themselves. So if you're sick of having to solve all these issues on your own, let the responsibility be not yours to bear from time to time.

 

[silentvoice]

I know what crippling loneliness is, nothing can alleviate it truly, nothing other than true presence and caring, and if you're sexual, then also true sexual intimacy. Without one of these, everything seems either unbearable or not worth solving.

I can't imagine the pains of a person who's mtf, let alone mtf *and* struggling with connecting and also with physical conditions aggravating social interaction even more... but humans are very strong beings and they can transcend tremendous difficulties...

From my experience I know that there's no way around the need for genuine human connection, so a way to rise above the drowning line would be to invest yourself in untying the knots that you have there. Exhaust the possibilities that you can see, and then find some more, less obvious, ways of trying to connect. And definitely connect with yourself. Looking inside yourself in reach for understanding love you'll discover many solutions to other (seemingly unrelated) issues.

I can see how living with the parents is daunting... and the fact that in the moment you can't see that changing must be terrifying, but things do change. Tomorrow you'll know more than today, tomorrow you may find natural to do things that now seem alien to you, the current situation will shift.

All one can do is to do the maximum they can with what they have and what they know in the moment. Try to find out what is the maximum that you can do now.

How is your voice progressing?

P.S. But if you're tired to be strong or of trying to be, let yourself cry, feel self-pity, feel anger, feel everything that a powerless person can feel, because we can indeed be powerless in some moments. The waves of strength and powerlessness come alternatively, no need to fear that you'll never feel courage again if you let yourself be lost, the courage is inevitable. Just look at how SI is pissing off people here. How people fight again and again, despite even themselves. So if you're sick of having to solve all these issues on your own, let the responsibility be not yours to bear from time to time.

My voice is still strained and it probably won't go away soon unfortunately. Thank you for your kind words however, it means a bunch despite how hopeless I fell right now.

 

[SawItOnce]

I hope it gets better. Could singing help?