I have fooled people here , sorry.

[timetodie24]

Sorry for fooling people here.
I know some people have felt sorry for me and tried to help.
Because they thought I was losing battle against mind control or an illness mimicking that.
But the truth is they're not really in control. I thought they were putting in their thoughts but they're actually just surfacing my darkest thoughts and desires. The voices only speak my repressed thoughts. They're only 'controlling' and watching me to make sure I do right thing and cbt
I'm evil, despicable , abbhorent, truly disgusting.
They are only helping me see truth. They wont hurt people if I don't die but I will. I must ctb before I hurt anyone. They just wanted me to realise i had been repressing my urges to do evil things.
It was never intrusive thoughts, just unrepressing my true thoughts.
Really the system in control is a friend helping me see the light and truth.
I deserve no sympathy and no help.
I am so sorry for time and energy wasted on me.
You deserve to know truth though so thought I'd share.
I'm sorry for messing people around
I didn't mean to, I was just in denial of my true self , a vile creature that isnt human.
I'm not sure how long I've got so should hurry up and get planning before anyone gets hurt.

 

[karel1987]

there are a lot of people here with psychological problems. I think that's the main reason people wanna CTB. I only think that the difference is that you got more acute mental problems at the moment to make a choice to cbt. We cannot help you with your problems, but I don't think you can making the right choice at the moment

 

[GuessWhosBack]

Hey, no one is guilty for their thoughts, but their actions. You are more than your intrusive thoughts. I understand that you currently don't, or can't, see it that way. Whatever the voices are saying is not indicative of who you are.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

It's as if you were describing me. I swear I feel the same for the most part. While I may not know you or your story here/outside, the words you spoke are the same I'd use to explain myself. Damn... Whatever happens, at least know you have someone similar to you existing...

 

[Dot]

Sorry for fooling people here.
I know some people have felt sorry for me and tried to help.
Because they thought I was losing battle against mind control or an illness mimicking that.
But the truth is they're not really in control. I thought they were putting in their thoughts but they're actually just surfacing my darkest thoughts and desires. The voices only speak my repressed thoughts. They're only 'controlling' and watching me to make sure I do right thing and cbt
I'm evil, despicable , abbhorent, truly disgusting.
They are only helping me see truth. They wont hurt people if I don't die but I will. I must ctb before I hurt anyone. They just wanted me to realise i had been repressing my urges to do evil things.
It was never intrusive thoughts, just unrepressing my true thoughts.
Really the system in control is a friend helping me see the light and truth.
I deserve no sympathy and no help.
I am so sorry for time and energy wasted on me.
You deserve to know truth though so thought I'd share.
I'm sorry for messing people around
I didn't mean to, I was just in denial of my true self , a vile creature that isnt human.
I'm not sure how long I've got so should hurry up and get planning before anyone gets hurt.

= wrth keepng in mnd tht th/ mnd wll oftn tranls8 reprssd emotns in2 th/ knds of thghts tht u r havng
Th/ mnd attmpts t/ mke snse of th/ emotn tryn2 surfce
Havng reprssd fear/angr etc ds nt mke u bd persn - & ur mnd cld b doin n.ethng pssble t/ prevnt u frm feelng thse painfl feelngs - hnce tellng u tht u hve 2 d/ thse thngs & ctb
= v pssble 2 b a classc emotn-avoidnce mechsnm

 

[alltoomuch2]

Sorry for fooling people here.
I know some people have felt sorry for me and tried to help.
Because they thought I was losing battle against mind control or an illness mimicking that.
But the truth is they're not really in control. I thought they were putting in their thoughts but they're actually just surfacing my darkest thoughts and desires. The voices only speak my repressed thoughts. They're only 'controlling' and watching me to make sure I do right thing and cbt
I'm evil, despicable , abbhorent, truly disgusting.
They are only helping me see truth. They wont hurt people if I don't die but I will. I must ctb before I hurt anyone. They just wanted me to realise i had been repressing my urges to do evil things.
It was never intrusive thoughts, just unrepressing my true thoughts.
Really the system in control is a friend helping me see the light and truth.
I deserve no sympathy and no help.
I am so sorry for time and energy wasted on me.
You deserve to know truth though so thought I'd share.
I'm sorry for messing people around
I didn't mean to, I was just in denial of my true self , a vile creature that isnt human.
I'm not sure how long I've got so should hurry up and get planning before anyone gets hurt.

Did the mental health workers not get in touch with you after all this time? You're not evil or any of those other things. You're just not well at the moment. All along you've resisted doing harm to other people. So how can you be evil? Get help from mental health services because you really don't deserve to ctb when you're not well. Lots of people have dark thoughts. Most don't act on them, and you haven't acted on them and you don't need to. If you think you will hurt people there are other alternatives, starting with telling the professionals and letting them help you. Please give them a chance again.

 

[timetodie24]

Thank you all for responses but like I said no sympathy needed. I'm taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions, I will not blame any mental health issues / illness .
I am what I am and that shouldn't exist as not human and not safe.

So sorry you relate @SoulWhisperer wouldn't wish this on anyone. Sending you some hugs

 

[alltoomuch2]

Thank you all for responses but like I said no sympathy needed. I'm taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions, I will not blame any mental health issues / illness .
I am what I am and that shouldn't exist as not human and not safe.

So sorry you relate @SoulWhisperer wouldn't wish this on anyone. Sending you some hugs

Whatever, If you tell the professionals they can stop you hurting people without the need for you to ctb. And you've never hurt anyone before, so why do you think you would now?

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Whatever, If you tell the professionals they can stop you hurting people without the need for you to ctb. And you've never hurt anyone before, so why do you think you would now?

I can relate to OP, I feel exactly the same. Sorry, but I can't stand people saying 'but you didn't hurt anyone before'. Yeah, well, didn't hurt anyone YET. But I know I will. There's a first time for everyone, should one wait for that?! I have to kms too before it gets out of hand and I will act on my evil thoughts. I've told "the professionals", but they also aren't afraid I would do evil things. So they don't help me at all. It's just a matter of time for me not being able to repress my thoughts anymore.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I can relate to OP, I feel exactly the same. Sorry, but I can't stand people saying 'but you didn't hurt anyone before'. Yeah, well, didn't hurt anyone YET. But I know I will. There's a first time for everyone, should one wait for that?! I have to kms too before it gets out of hand and I will act on my evil thoughts. I've told "the professionals", but they also aren't afraid I would do evil things. So they don't help me at all. It's just a matter of time for me not being able to repress my thoughts anymore.

I'm sorry that you feel like that. But why shouldn't the OP try mental health services again. Better to try first than go straight to ctb. Everyone is different. You are not the OP.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

I'm sorry that you feel like that. But why shouldn't the OP try mental health services again. Better to try first than go straight to ctb. Everyone is different. You are not the OP.

Of course OP should try. I didn't say he shouldn't.

 

[timetodie24]

I can relate to OP, I feel exactly the same. Sorry, but I can't stand people saying 'but you didn't hurt anyone before'. Yeah, well, didn't hurt anyone YET. But I know I will. There's a first time for everyone, should one wait for that?! I have to kms too before it gets out of hand and I will act on my evil thoughts. I've told "the professionals", but they also aren't afraid I would do evil things. So they don't help me at all. It's just a matter of time for me not being able to repress my thoughts anymore.

So sorry you can relate . It is terrifying not being able to trust yourself. Yes i don't understand people being so sure I won't do it. Violent crimes happen all the time, plenty people are capable of it so no one can be sure i'm not one of them. And like you say, there has to be a first time.

And besides professionals aren't interested I can't even get appt. with them despite chasing it it up a lot.

I do hope you manage to find another way though as I know how awful it is being pressure into ctb for others sake rather than when you're ready. Regardless I hope you find peace

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

So sorry you can relate . It is terrifying not being able to trust yourself. Yes i don't understand people being so sure I won't do it. Violent crimes happen all the time, plenty people are capable of it so no one can be sure i'm not one of them. And like you say, there has to be a first time.

And besides professionals aren't interested I can't even get appt. with them despite chasing it it up a lot.

I do hope you manage to find another way though as I know how awful it is being pressure into ctb for others sake rather than when you're ready. Regardless I hope you find peace

Glad that at least one person in this world understands how it feels like.

 

[Z-A]

It was obvious but I hope you're okay.

 

[dolemitedrums]

You don't seem like a vile creature to me. You just seem like you would be better off without some of these beliefs.

 

[TheBroken]

Sorry for fooling people here.
I know some people have felt sorry for me and tried to help.
Because they thought I was losing battle against mind control or an illness mimicking that.
But the truth is they're not really in control. I thought they were putting in their thoughts but they're actually just surfacing my darkest thoughts and desires. The voices only speak my repressed thoughts. They're only 'controlling' and watching me to make sure I do right thing and cbt
I'm evil, despicable , abbhorent, truly disgusting.
They are only helping me see truth. They wont hurt people if I don't die but I will. I must ctb before I hurt anyone. They just wanted me to realise i had been repressing my urges to do evil things.
It was never intrusive thoughts, just unrepressing my true thoughts.
Really the system in control is a friend helping me see the light and truth.
I deserve no sympathy and no help.
I am so sorry for time and energy wasted on me.
You deserve to know truth though so thought I'd share.
I'm sorry for messing people around
I didn't mean to, I was just in denial of my true self , a vile creature that isnt human.
I'm not sure how long I've got so should hurry up and get planning before anyone gets hurt.

Good talk - excellent progress. Same time tomorrow? Just try not to hurt small animals unless they're rats ... nobody cares about rats.

 

[timetodie24]

It was obvious but I hope you're okay.

Thank you. What was obvious ?

You don't seem like a vile creature to me. You just seem like you would be better off without some of these beliefs.

I'm just better off dead and others are better with me gone too

Good talk - excellent progress. Same time tomorrow? Just try not to hurt small animals unless they're rats ... nobody cares about rats.

not going to hurt anyone/anything as will make sure I ctb before that happens

 

[Dot]

Good talk - excellent progress. Same time tomorrow? Just try not to hurt small animals unless they're rats ... nobody cares about rats.

 

[Whale_bones]

To me, fooling someone means intentionally (knowingly) lying or misleading. You say right in this post that you didn't know this was the case until now, and you didn't mean to mess around people. You were just sharing with us the information you had at the time.

I know everyone has their own definition of evil, but I've met what I consider to be evil people, and they didn't try to push back or avoid their urges to hurt others; they actually enjoyed causing others suffering and having power over others. In all you've shared, I've never seen you to be power-hungry or someone who wants innocents to suffer. In fact, you put a lot of thought and effort into making sure that doesn't happen.

I know this is just a forum and we only get a glimpse of people here. But I don't think you should ever be judged as evil for thoughts or urges you have, when your actions are those of a thoughtful, reasonable person.

 

[timetodie24]

And when people say I haven't hurt people, I have . Because i didn't listen to system and didn't understand, multiple people got ill, had health scares , most ok now for now , although 1 still ill and a relative died because i broke rules. I was warned what would happen so their health issues and 1 death are my fault. Also a mental health professional is in danger, being controlled and potentially already hurt because i told her too much .
Only way to end all this now and prevent further damage is either ctb or acting on the other thoughts. Obviously i choose ctb as innocent people don't deserve that
Then also I've ruined my family's lives by putting them through a lot and being a burden. Maybe indirect but still hurt.
So i already have plenty evidence of my evil and the system in control is helping me see how evil i could get .

 

[alltoomuch2]

And when people say I haven't hurt people, I have . Because i didn't listen to system and didn't understand, multiple people got ill, had health scares , most ok now for now , although 1 still ill and a relative died because i broke rules. I was warned what would happen so their health issues and 1 death are my fault. Also a mental health professional is in danger, being controlled and potentially already hurt because i told her too much .
Only way to end all this now and prevent further damage is either ctb or acting on the other thoughts. Obviously i choose ctb as innocent people don't deserve that
Then also I've ruined my family's lives by putting them through a lot and being a burden. Maybe indirect but still hurt.
So i already have plenty evidence of my evil and the system in control is helping me see how evil i could get .

Whoa. I'm confused now. If the voices are your thoughts, how did your thoughts cause a death and health issues in others? And how are your thoughts controlling other people? I can't see that as evidence, sorry. My voice is, I'm told, part of me. And sometimes he tells me things he shouldn't, like to ctb or to do something hurtful to someone who's hurt me, but I know that although he can be comforting I also know I can't trust him And I always measure his instructions against my values and beliefs. And nothing bad happens when I do that. Even if your voices are your repressed thoughts, you should measure what they say against your values. You are not controlled by them because they are your thoughts and so you have ultimate control, whatever they try to tell you.

 

[timetodie24]

Whoa. I'm confused now. If the voices are your thoughts, how did your thoughts cause a death and health issues in others? And how are your thoughts controlling other people? I can't see that as evidence, sorry. My voice is, I'm told, part of me. And sometimes he tells me things he shouldn't, like to ctb or to do something hurtful to someone who's hurt me, but I know that although he can be comforting I also know I can't trust him And I always measure his instructions against my values and beliefs. And nothing bad happens when I do that. Even if your voices are your repressed thoughts, you should measure what they say against your values. You are not controlled by them because they are your thoughts and so you have ultimate control, whatever they try to tell you.

Because something is still controlling me and communicating with me. But when they insert thoughts and voices into my mind , they are telling me my own thoughts that I can't access myself, my deepest darkest hidden desires.
They'll encourage and push me to act on my own thoughts that I repressed , they'll make me do terrible things to others because I didn't die to protect others like I should have . So need to end it before they do that.
Previously, those in control have hurt others because they wanted me to see the power of thoughts and the power they have to persuade me to do things. They had to make me fear them so that i'll listen to them this time. They wanted me to be terrified and isolated so that I'll do what has to be done to save others. There was consequences when I didn't follow rules to isolate myself because i have to be away from people to stop me hurting them. It all makes sense now. They wanted me to realise that I'm the evil entity not them and they are saviours. They were helping me see what I'm capable of and stopping me permanently before it happens.
So i am still being controlled by something else but it's like a friend helping me to reveal my true self so that others can be saved. They are an independent entity to me, but they have burrowed into my mind and communicating my repressed thoughts. They have their own independent thoughts and voice to but want to help me find mine because they are buried too deep. I didn't make them up, they are real and can control whoever they want, they are not my thoughts, just helping me hear my thoughts. Bad things have happened and will continue to, they do represent my values as they are uncovering them for me.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Because something is still controlling me and communicating with me. But when they insert thoughts and voices into my mind , they are telling me my own thoughts that I can't access myself, my deepest darkest hidden desires.
They'll encourage and push me to act on my own thoughts that I repressed , they'll make me do terrible things to others because I didn't die to protect others like I should have . So need to end it before they do that.
Previously, those in control have hurt others because they wanted me to see the power of thoughts and the power they have to persuade me to do things. They had to make me fear them so that i'll listen to them this time. They wanted me to be terrified and isolated so that I'll do what has to be done to save others. There was consequences when I didn't follow rules to isolate myself because i have to be away from people to stop me hurting them. It all makes sense now. They wanted me to realise that I'm the evil entity not them and they are saviours. They were helping me see what I'm capable of and stopping me permanently before it happens.
So i am still being controlled by something else but it's like a friend helping me to reveal my true self so that others can be saved. They are an independent entity to me, but they have burrowed into my mind and communicating my repressed thoughts. They have their own independent thoughts and voice to but want to help me find mine because they are buried too deep. I didn't make them up, they are real and can control whoever they want, they are not my thoughts, just helping me hear my thoughts. Bad things have happened and will continue to, they do represent my values as they are uncovering them for me.

Ah. I understand now. Why do they want you to be able to access those thoughts if the thoughts can hurt others. Why won't they allow the thoughts to stay repressed. Hope you don't mind me asking and feel free to not answer. I'm just interested because as you know I only have one voice/being in my head and I think he's very different to your voices. But like I said, hope you don't mind me asking. I've been told my voice is part of me but I'm not sure because he looks nothing like me and doesn't sound like me

 

[timetodie24]

Ah. I understand now. Why do they want you to be able to access those thoughts if the thoughts can hurt others. Why won't they allow the thoughts to stay repressed. Hope you don't mind me asking and feel free to not answer. I'm just interested because as you know I only have one voice/being in my head and I think he's very different to your voices. But like I said, hope you don't mind me asking. I've been told my voice is part of me but I'm not sure because he looks nothing like me and doesn't sound like me

I don't mind you asking as you seem genuine with your questions
It's because the thoughts would have eventually surfaced anyway so they wanted me to realise sooner whilst there's time to ctb before acting on them. If the thoughts just surfaced on my own then i'd have acted on it too quick before i could stop myself but with their help I can make sure i'm gone before then.

That sounds confusing for you being told that then being unsure if it's you or not.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I don't mind you asking as you seem genuine with your questions
It's because the thoughts would have eventually surfaced anyway so they wanted me to realise sooner whilst there's time to ctb before acting on them. If the thoughts just surfaced on my own then i'd have acted on it too quick before i could stop myself but with their help I can make sure i'm gone before then.

That sounds confusing for you being told that then being unsure if it's you or not.

Thanks for this. I understand now. And yes I am confused now about my voice. It was a comment thrown in by my psych nurse just before he went on holiday. Maybe he did that on purpose so I'd have 3 weeks to think about it. I'm not convinced.

 

[Tesha]

Hi @timetodie24. I think you'll take this in the manner it's intended… it sounds like you're having a really shitty day. No need to apologise for your behaviour and I'm glad to see you're still trying to engage with the less than adequate mental health services.

You've not misled anyone. Like the rest of us, you're just trying to manage life and what it throws at you, the best way you can.

Keep talking to us.

 

[timetodie24]

Thanks for this. I understand now. And yes I am confused now about my voice. It was a comment thrown in by my psych nurse just before he went on holiday. Maybe he did that on purpose so I'd have 3 weeks to think about it. I'm not convinced.

Terrible timing ! I think you know yourself better . Although I know it can be confusing with voices to work out what's you or not and sometimes others perspectives helps . But i've had some awful and completely wrong comments from psych nurses in past so i know they can get things wrong . Maybe bring it up when you see him again and see if he can explain it more , maybe think about evidence for/against it being part of you ?

 

[alltoomuch2]

Terrible timing ! I think you know yourself better . Although I know it can be confusing with voices to work out what's you or not and sometimes others perspectives helps . But i've had some awful and completely wrong comments from psych nurses in past so i know they can get things wrong . Maybe bring it up when you see him again and see if he can explain it more , maybe think about evidence for/against it being part of you ?

Yeah. That all makes sense. It did hit me a bit later on after he said it.

 

[timetodie24]

Hi @timetodie24. I think you'll take this in the manner it's intended… it sounds like you're having a really shitty day. No need to apologise for your behaviour and I'm glad to see you're still trying to engage with the less than adequate mental health services.

You've not misled anyone. Like the rest of us, you're just trying to manage life and what it throws at you, the best way you can.

Keep talking to us.

You have been too kind, you don't understand I am a monster. Not having a bad day, i'm just the bad entity making others have bad days. This can't be fixed, I have to die

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Indirectly, we're all killers. You know it.