I have everything others want

[itsthattime]

I feel so priviledged and guilty for ever wanting to ctb sometimes, because I know Im conventionally attractive. When I used a dating app, Id get matches all the time. Im even really attracted to myself. If i could fuck myself, I honestly would without hesitation. I have great parents, friends, a hobby that brings me a ton of satisfaction when Im able to do it (even though its illegal) and yet, ever since I was little, ive wanted to die. I just dont like living. I think being a human is the dumbest, most pathetic thing you could ever be born as. I hate how society is arranged, how we separate ourselves based on color, sex, experiences, etc. I hate how my kindness is always taken advantage of. ive tried to ctb just because i wanted to be born again as a bug or bird or something. i wish i could feel as pretty as i look.

 

[Alpacachino]

Same here. I have a good family, friends, coworkers, I have a good job. I earn well. Successfull parents.My finances are good. I'm healthy and strong.

However, I'm completely unhappy. That doesn't seem to change ever.

 

[peacefulnights]

I feel so priviledged and guilty for ever wanting to ctb sometimes, because I know Im conventionally attractive. When I used a dating app, Id get matches all the time. Im even really attracted to myself. If i could fuck myself, I honestly would without hesitation. I have great parents, friends, a hobby that brings me a ton of satisfaction when Im able to do it (even though its illegal) and yet, ever since I was little, ive wanted to die. I just dont like living. I think being a human is the dumbest, most pathetic thing you could ever be born as. I hate how society is arranged, how we separate ourselves based on color, sex, experiences, etc. I hate how my kindness is always taken advantage of. ive tried to ctb just because i wanted to be born again as a bug or bird or something. i wish i could feel as pretty as i look.

I relate to this all so much, difference is I got shitty parents but I would say from the outside my life is a pretty strong net-positive. First job is 100K+ a year, fairly attractive, etc etc. You also realize some of the richest people are some of the most depressed. Funny lol I am not even close to million/billionaire wealth nor do I want to be just from seeing those type of people in the city I live in.

I grew up in a fairly tropical place with a laid back and fun culture. I think that was my one savior growing up, life was seen as something to enjoy, kids could cause trouble and be stupid, and life was fairly sunny. Even then I had a similar mindset that humans are stupid but at least it felt embraced and you could at least feel good. The world is seeming to become more like a charade, more complex, and more alienated and fragmented. Makes me think of Cyberpunk 2077 sometimes.

 

[itsthattime]

Same here. I have a good family, friends, coworkers, I have a good job. I earn well. Successfull parents.My finances are good. I'm healthy and strong.

However, I'm completely unhappy. That doesn't seem to change ever.

Exactly. And I feel it makes me even more alienated from people going through the same thing. My last relationship fell apart because my partner had a really traumatic life, yet I was as depressed as them, and it made them really angry whenever I expressed that I was unhappy, because they couldnt understand that some people are born with brains that make them want to die, for no real reason.

 

[Chronical_Suicidal]

Ok, you're the proof that being suicidal isn't necessarily a question of failing on something or owning a traumatic destiny. Your report portrays that mental disorders have a biological component, and can manifest even within a great environment and good experiences.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

I feel so priviledged and guilty for ever wanting to ctb sometimes, because I know Im conventionally attractive. When I used a dating app, Id get matches all the time. Im even really attracted to myself. If i could fuck myself, I honestly would without hesitation. I have great parents, friends, a hobby that brings me a ton of satisfaction when Im able to do it (even though its illegal) and yet, ever since I was little, ive wanted to die. I just dont like living. I think being a human is the dumbest, most pathetic thing you could ever be born as. I hate how society is arranged, how we separate ourselves based on color, sex, experiences, etc. I hate how my kindness is always taken advantage of. ive tried to ctb just because i wanted to be born again as a bug or bird or something. i wish i could feel as pretty as i look

I am white, conventionally attractive, skinny, and I pass appearance-wise. Pretty much the golden rectangle of privilege. I know exactly what you're talking about. For example, with white privilege I get to act like a drunken depressed asshole in public, and no one bats an eye at that! But I realized recently that if my BIPOC friends did that it'd be a different story. There are people that have it worse than me. I--with great regret--admit I used to think people could "bootstraps" their way out of a situation. If only those people could see me now.

While people take advantage of my kindness too, going forward I'd rather show them humanity than try and deny it to them on the sake of being cautious. I'm not around much longer anyway. If the person is taking advantage of me maybe there's something from me they need a lot more than I realize. Of course, this has limits, but I'll provide within my means.

People use me for my body a lot too. I've even thought about selling my body recently. If people only wanna use me to get off then I at least better get some money out of it, right? Tired of some guy cumming on my chest and then never messaging me the next day.

 

[badatparties]

Ok, you're the proof that being suicidal isn't necessarily a question of failing on something or owning a traumatic destiny. Your report portrays that mental disorders have a biological component, and can manifest even within a great environment and good experiences.

Why does it have to be a mental disorder, anyone with a good heart can look around and feel at extreme unease in this environment. Honestly, you're probably some type of sociopath if you think this life is just fine and dandy.

Either that, or you've led one charmed life.

 

[Alpacachino]

Exactly. And I feel it makes me even more alienated from people going through the same thing. My last relationship fell apart because my partner had a really traumatic life, yet I was as depressed as them, and it made them really angry whenever I expressed that I was unhappy, because they couldnt understand that some people are born with brains that make them want to die, for no real reason.

That's the sad thing,no one IRL will ever understand, and the loneliness that comes as a result is pretty overwhelming.They also seem to think that we're throwing a pity party when we complain.

Ok, you're the proof that being suicidal isn't necessarily a question of failing on something or owning a traumatic destiny. Your report portrays that mental disorders have a biological component, and can manifest even within a great environment and good experiences.

The sad thing is our homes were built with a few bricks less. Our body and mind is just not like others,not normal.We were dealt a bad hand.

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Lies, show me your collection of Umamusume figurines, i want that.

 

[Alpacachino]

Crazy timing that this showed up in my feed just now.I didn't even search for it. Seems like there are quite a few people in the same boat.This guy is a billionaire and is pretty famous for his health hacks.

 

[violetforever]

I feel so priviledged and guilty for ever wanting to ctb sometimes, because I know Im conventionally attractive.

i get what you mean but there can still be downsides to this so i hope you really don't feel too guilty. by your own example:

I hate how my kindness is always taken advantage of.

this is why i kind of roll my eyes and avoid interacting with threads on here of people hating themselves for how they look while also vilifying people who they simply view as more attractive than them.

I hate how society is arranged, how we separate ourselves based on color, sex, experiences, etc.

yeah there's way bigger problems in the world than being pretty or not lol. there's hierarchies of beauty anyway. everything is so dumb. i don't get how anyone wants to take this world seriously and continue living.

i've literally known other conventionally attractive people with more than their looks going for them still be insecure with themselves. not sure if you're a woman or not but since i am, being pretty feels like a dime a dozen thing. oh i've had plenty of guys show interest in me but it never led to true love or anything so what is being attractive worth? since people associate beauty with achieving intimacy and happiness.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

i've literally known other conventionally attractive people with more than their looks going for them still be insecure with themselves. not sure if you're a woman or not but since i am, being pretty feels like a dime a dozen thing. oh i've had plenty of guys show interest in me but it never led to true love or anything so what is being attractive worth? since people associate beauty with achieving intimacy and happiness.

Society tends to associate beauty with morality in general. It's really fucked up. If you're conventionally attractive, then you must be a moral person. That's not how any of it works. The worst people on earth atm are dressed in suits and shaking hands with their own professional nutritionists and whatever.

Like, okay, here's what I don't understand. One common side effect of some medications is weight gain, and yet--if someone gained weight on their prescription, strangers in the street will shame you for something that is outside your control. I'm guilty of shaming others for things out of their control too. It doesn't make it any better, though. I only bring that up to emphasize I'm not above what I claim to detest (I try not to, ofc). I think people are--at their core--capable of doing the right thing. Human beings are very much capable of loving each other. I just think that how things are setup in the 21st century means that we are discouraged from showing as much compassion for our differences as possible.

We live in a rat race where no one can ever be good enough.

 

[PassiveDeath113]

I feel so priviledged and guilty for ever wanting to ctb sometimes, because I know Im conventionally attractive. When I used a dating app, Id get matches all the time. Im even really attracted to myself. If i could fuck myself, I honestly would without hesitation. I have great parents, friends, a hobby that brings me a ton of satisfaction when Im able to do it (even though its illegal) and yet, ever since I was little, ive wanted to die. I just dont like living. I think being a human is the dumbest, most pathetic thing you could ever be born as. I hate how society is arranged, how we separate ourselves based on color, sex, experiences, etc. I hate how my kindness is always taken advantage of. ive tried to ctb just because i wanted to be born again as a bug or bird or something. i wish i could feel as pretty as i look.

Your suffering does not require a tragic backstory to be legitimate. I think that's an important thing to consider. May peace and internal tranquility find us all.

 

[finaldestination22]

Society tends to associate beauty with morality in general. It's really fucked up. If you're conventionally attractive, then you must be a moral person. That's not how any of it works. The worst people on earth atm are dressed in suits and shaking hands with their own professional nutritionists and whatever.

Like, okay, here's what I don't understand. One common side effect of some medications is weight gain, and yet--if someone gained weight on their prescription, strangers in the street will shame you for something that is outside your control. I'm guilty of shaming others for things out of their control too. It doesn't make it any better, though. I only bring that up to emphasize I'm not above what I claim to detest (I try not to, ofc). I think people are--at their core--capable of doing the right thing. Human beings are very much capable of loving each other. I just think that how things are setup in the 21st century means that we are discouraged from showing as much compassion for our differences as possible.

We live in a rat race where no one can ever be good enough.

"Society tends to associate beauty with morality in general."
Nicely sayed. Even in religion many times it is sayed that demons presents themselves as angels of light. Nowbody wants to be recognised as a bad/evil person so they always presents themselves as good people(politicians) while their actions are pure evil.

So pretty people always get the instant attention and passes until someone else figure out their character while being uglier or even out of shape you have to be more nice from the start in order to not be judged as much. And often you're just being used for being nice becase if you're not automatically nice you will not even be acknowledged most of the times

 

[violetforever]

Society tends to associate beauty with morality in general. It's really fucked up. If you're conventionally attractive, then you must be a moral person. That's not how any of it works. The worst people on earth atm are dressed in suits and shaking hands with their own professional nutritionists and whatever.

Like, okay, here's what I don't understand. One common side effect of some medications is weight gain, and yet--if someone gained weight on their prescription, strangers in the street will shame you for something that is outside your control. I'm guilty of shaming others for things out of their control too. It doesn't make it any better, though. I only bring that up to emphasize I'm not above what I claim to detest (I try not to, ofc). I think people are--at their core--capable of doing the right thing. Human beings are very much capable of loving each other. I just think that how things are setup in the 21st century means that we are discouraged from showing as much compassion for our differences as possible.

We live in a rat race where no one can ever be good enough.

i agree. it's so tiring. i see it too.

 

[soul2realm]

I would say maybe its nothing to do with the kind of situation one is in or how privileged they are, maybe it's a built-in mechanism for how and why our personalities are shaped so distinctively and our final exit.

 

[itsthattime]

Its hard to find the source of why I'm so miserable, and I think thats part of it. Other people have things they know they hate about themselves, like their looks, weight, relationships, etc. but I feel like my self-hatred is so.. abstract? i also feel like im squandering my beauty if that makes sense. i know im getting older and one day ill really miss how i look now, but in the moment, i dont even really care to take care of myself. i have a rotting tooth because i didnt brush my teeth for years because of my depression, i dont like having my picture taken, so one day ill be an ugly balding 45 year old dude and no one will ever know i was once a pretty femboy lookin guy. i feel like i should be taking advantage of how i look but i just dont care, and i know so many people wish they were in my position. it also makes me want to die young, so everyone remembers me as a pretty person forever. i wish i could just not answer when people ask me my age, i wish that wasnt considered weird.

 

[soul2realm]

Its hard to find the source of why I'm so miserable, and I think thats part of it. Other people have things they know they hate about themselves, like their looks, weight, relationships, etc. but I feel like my self-hatred is so.. abstract? i also feel like im squandering my beauty if that makes sense. i know im getting older and one day ill really miss how i look now, but in the moment, i dont even really care to take care of myself. i have a rotting tooth because i didnt brush my teeth for years because of my depression, i dont like having my picture taken, so one day ill be an ugly balding 45 year old dude and no one will ever know i was once a pretty femboy lookin guy. i feel like i should be taking advantage of how i look but i just dont care, and i know so many people wish they were in my position. it also makes me want to die young, so everyone remembers me as a pretty person forever. i wish i could just not answer when people ask me my age, i wish that wasnt considered weird.

If I may add my 2 pence to it. I think we are simply just passengers on this station called life, waiting for our final train home. What we do with our time is what we have to figure out the rest is out of our control. So, my fellow passenger, make the most and the best of your time cause these memories will be the only thing accompanying you on the journey.

 

[Leyna]

Relate a lot. Good family, good friends, good financial situation. Still want to die

 

[martyrdom]

because I know Im conventionally attractive. When I used a dating app, Id get matches all the time. Im even really attracted to myself. If i could fuck myself, I honestly would without hesitation.

Is that you in your pfp?

 

[itsthattime]

Is that you in your pfp?

no thats bladee lol, i wish

 

[martyrdom]

no thats bladee lol, i wish

Right, I was going to contest the quoted sentence if it was. Carry on.

 

[ReimuIsTransAndSad]

Its hard to find the source of why I'm so miserable, and I think thats part of it. Other people have things they know they hate about themselves, like their looks, weight, relationships, etc. but I feel like my self-hatred is so.. abstract? i also feel like im squandering my beauty if that makes sense. i know im getting older and one day ill really miss how i look now, but in the moment, i dont even really care to take care of myself. i have a rotting tooth because i didnt brush my teeth for years because of my depression, i dont like having my picture taken, so one day ill be an ugly balding 45 year old dude and no one will ever know i was once a pretty femboy lookin guy. i feel like i should be taking advantage of how i look but i just dont care, and i know so many people wish they were in my position. it also makes me want to die young, so everyone remembers me as a pretty person forever. i wish i could just not answer when people ask me my age, i wish that wasnt considered weird.

Totally sympathize on that abstract feeling of self-hatred. To me? My self-hatred feels like a squiggly creature writhing in self-agony, bouncing around an enclosed, empty light-pink room in 2D space. It kinda exists like one of those bouncing DVD logos, you know? Every time it bumps into a spot on the wall it is dealt another shocking blow of paranoia, agony, and anxiety--ad infinitum.

Sometimes when I have a bad high I think of a conscious creature that was created to exist in nothing but a pachinko machine. It lives in agony, it's conscious, but it has no autonomy over it's body. Each time it falls into that hole it is dealt another insurmountable burst of fear, pain, and self-loathing for eternity. It exists to do nothing but fall down in an eternal pachinko machine. It is conscious. It knows the pain it feels. It recognizes that the pain is very real. It is a pair of eyes and a mouth slapped on top of a sphere. It is very much alive. That's another way I'd describe my pain.

I will say, as someone who also has been on the beauty side of things, I've ended up with some people I regret being when I was just like "fuck it I'm beautiful let me take advantage of it while it lasts." YMMV. I just ended up with people that made me feel worse about myself, that made me feel used. Would not recommend.

 

[itsthattime]

Right, I was going to contest the quoted sentence if it was. Carry on.

the fuck is that supposed to mean. u were gonna call me ugly if that was me? ur weird

Totally sympathize on that abstract feeling of self-hatred. To me? My self-hatred feels like a squiggly creature writhing in self-agony, bouncing around an enclosed, empty light-pink room in 2D space. It kinda exists like one of those bouncing DVD logos, you know? Every time it bumps into a spot on the wall it is dealt another shocking blow of paranoia, agony, and anxiety--ad infinitum.

Sometimes when I have a bad high I think of a conscious creature that was created to exist in nothing but a pachinko machine. It lives in agony, it's conscious, but it has no autonomy over it's body. Each time it falls into that hole it is dealt another insurmountable burst of fear, pain, and self-loathing for eternity. It exists to do nothing but fall down in an eternal pachinko machine. It is conscious. It knows the pain it feels. It recognizes that the pain is very real. It is a pair of eyes and a mouth slapped on top of a sphere. It is very much alive. That's another way I'd describe my pain.

I will say, as someone who also has been on the beauty side of things, I've ended up with some people I regret being when I was just like "fuck it I'm beautiful let me take advantage of it while it lasts." YMMV. I just ended up with people that made me feel worse about myself, that made me feel used. Would not recommend.

I like how you visualize your self-hatred. I want to give that a try, not in the corny "draw your emotions" kind of way, but being able to "see" how you feel seems like a useful way to manage it. I also really like the way you use words. Wish I could put into words how I feel but I think the drugs took away my AP-level writing ability lol

 

[martyrdom]

the fuck is that supposed to mean

I think bladee is ugly therefore I was teasing you about your grandiose claims re your appearance (and would have warned you not to post your face on here + remove metadata of images). Since it's not you, don't worry, I don't doubt their validity.

 

[loggingin]

Its hard to find the source of why I'm so miserable, and I think thats part of it. Other people have things they know they hate about themselves, like their looks, weight, relationships, etc. but I feel like my self-hatred is so.. abstract? i also feel like im squandering my beauty if that makes sense. i know im getting older and one day ill really miss how i look now, but in the moment, i dont even really care to take care of myself. i have a rotting tooth because i didnt brush my teeth for years because of my depression, i dont like having my picture taken, so one day ill be an ugly balding 45 year old dude and no one will ever know i was once a pretty femboy lookin guy. i feel like i should be taking advantage of how i look but i just dont care, and i know so many people wish they were in my position. it also makes me want to die young, so everyone remembers me as a pretty person forever. i wish i could just not answer when people ask me my age, i wish that wasnt considered weird.

i really dont mean to self advertise , but I wonder if you're a philosophical pessimist like myself. I made a post explaining philosophical pessimism here https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...ost-my-view-of-the-world.229265/#post-3348251

also, I wish to cease to exist forever when I die, do you know how horrible bird lives are? most wild animals have parasites in them, and die from predation, they also cause harm if they eat.

as for beauty, in a moral world, your brain isnt supposed to be capable of viewing anyone as ugly and subjective beauty standards arent supposed to exist in a perfectly moral world, "this person is a 9.1 and that person is like a 4.7" but why does 9.9 even exist? even that shouldnt exist because the missing .1 means your brain perceives flaws , even if the world was only chinese, you shouldnt be able to say "these are beautiful chinese people, and these are ugly chinese people" , and such reasoning goes beyond race, . "no lips, flat face, nose too wide, bald, fat , curly hair, slanted epicanthal eyes" there should be no such thing as "too much or too little" of something. (also some people can evolve to be fat as their natural healthy weight if you think its always controllable), and to the people who think bald people are lesser, just because a population of people havent developed phenotypical baldness, doesnt mean its impossible, so how would they feel about this population if they come into existence? as long as the brain is able to perceive any flaws AT ALL, conflict will always exist derived from beauty as one of the many conflicts of the world, (conflicts of subjective value - beauty, subjective morality/philosophy, biological makeup like pain receptors/ neurochemical dissatisfaction-satisfaction , social hierarchy , food web , evolutionary forces/natural selection, etc)

 

[martyrdom]

i think hes beautiful, and so what if that was what i looked like? how is it a "grandiose claim" to like how you look? im just trying to be open with people about myself for the first time in my life, but ill stop if you dont like it

Look at my post history, I've gone on about how I like how I look as well (and probably far more obnoxiously), relax. It was a joke.