About a year and a half ago I finally managed to move away from my mother and get an apartment with my long-term girlfriend. We've been together for years now and things have been good, better than I deserve. On top of that, she makes enough money that I don't really need to work. I'm supposed to be a housewife, but most days I hardly have the energy to run basic chores. She never minds, nor does she ever get upset at me about it. I have the life most people can only dream of.
Except for the fact that I'm trans. I fucking hate being trans so, so much. But it's not just that I'm trans, it's that my body is so fundamentally against me being this and fights me at almost every turn. I have been on HRT for just under 4 years and I have watched as everyone around me has seen exponentially better results in both shorter amounts of time and while starting later. Every single friend I've had who's transitioned, and believe me there have been a lot, are so happy. They love showing off their new looks, their new wardrobes, talking about the compliments they get from strangers and how it's so fucking difficult to deal with people hitting on them. Some nights I can barely stomach looking at my girlfriend, let alone any kinds of physical affection. I still try to put out and cuddle her because I know it makes her happy, but some nights I look at how pretty she is after such a small amount of time on HRT and I just wanna blow my fucking head off. I have tried everything. I've tried weight cycling, progesterone, pioglitazone, you name it and I've probably taken it at some point. None of them have helped.
I'm so broken. I want to go on walks, I miss swimming on hot summer days, I want to feel the sunshine on my face and breathe in the fresh air. But every time I go outside, every time I force myself to interact with people I am constantly reminded of what they see. Hardly anyone in my family sees me for who I am, and how could I blame them? Every time I look in the god forsaken mirror I see the same thing I always see; a disgusting freak show. My girlfriend tells me I'm beautiful but I cannot for the life of me understand what she possibly sees in any of this. My friends tell me that it's not about being "conventionally attractive" and what's important is "being who you truly are" but that's sure easy for them to say.
Every time I try to improve things it never sticks. I don't have the energy for it, I cannot fight off my depression long enough to stick with it. I've tried improving my body in so many ways, between exercising every day, cooking real meals for myself, controlling my vices and watching what I put into my body, but it's all so much and I just can't ever stay with it. There's always something that fucks it up, be it my own pathetic stupidity and laziness or my toes getting fucked up at the beginning of last year so I can't walk right without being in pain and having to wait months and months for appointments to get it fixed. still waiting on that by the way, my last appointment was supposed to be this month but the doctor got sick and pushed it back another fucking month because of course, why not?
And I can never be at peace. I can never be free from this disgusting, bloated, miserable sack of meat that is a sorry excuse for a body. She tells me that she'd be sad. I've pressed the blade against my arm, driven off in the dead of night not knowing if I'd ever return, and sat on the ordering page for SN more times than I could possibly count but I know that I cannot do that to her. If there's anything I can do with this worthless life, it's not doing that to her. But god I want to so, so, so, so bad. I want it to end, I want to give up, god I just want to check out of this life more than I can put into words. I always have, it's just that I've been good at convincing myself it'll somehow get better. But now I have everything I can possibly have and it hasn't fixed it. I would give anything for her to suddenly realize she doesn't want or need me anymore just so I could go down to the local gun range and put a bullet through my head.
Except for the fact that I'm trans. I fucking hate being trans so, so much. But it's not just that I'm trans, it's that my body is so fundamentally against me being this and fights me at almost every turn. I have been on HRT for just under 4 years and I have watched as everyone around me has seen exponentially better results in both shorter amounts of time and while starting later. Every single friend I've had who's transitioned, and believe me there have been a lot, are so happy. They love showing off their new looks, their new wardrobes, talking about the compliments they get from strangers and how it's so fucking difficult to deal with people hitting on them. Some nights I can barely stomach looking at my girlfriend, let alone any kinds of physical affection. I still try to put out and cuddle her because I know it makes her happy, but some nights I look at how pretty she is after such a small amount of time on HRT and I just wanna blow my fucking head off. I have tried everything. I've tried weight cycling, progesterone, pioglitazone, you name it and I've probably taken it at some point. None of them have helped.
I'm so broken. I want to go on walks, I miss swimming on hot summer days, I want to feel the sunshine on my face and breathe in the fresh air. But every time I go outside, every time I force myself to interact with people I am constantly reminded of what they see. Hardly anyone in my family sees me for who I am, and how could I blame them? Every time I look in the god forsaken mirror I see the same thing I always see; a disgusting freak show. My girlfriend tells me I'm beautiful but I cannot for the life of me understand what she possibly sees in any of this. My friends tell me that it's not about being "conventionally attractive" and what's important is "being who you truly are" but that's sure easy for them to say.
Every time I try to improve things it never sticks. I don't have the energy for it, I cannot fight off my depression long enough to stick with it. I've tried improving my body in so many ways, between exercising every day, cooking real meals for myself, controlling my vices and watching what I put into my body, but it's all so much and I just can't ever stay with it. There's always something that fucks it up, be it my own pathetic stupidity and laziness or my toes getting fucked up at the beginning of last year so I can't walk right without being in pain and having to wait months and months for appointments to get it fixed. still waiting on that by the way, my last appointment was supposed to be this month but the doctor got sick and pushed it back another fucking month because of course, why not?
And I can never be at peace. I can never be free from this disgusting, bloated, miserable sack of meat that is a sorry excuse for a body. She tells me that she'd be sad. I've pressed the blade against my arm, driven off in the dead of night not knowing if I'd ever return, and sat on the ordering page for SN more times than I could possibly count but I know that I cannot do that to her. If there's anything I can do with this worthless life, it's not doing that to her. But god I want to so, so, so, so bad. I want it to end, I want to give up, god I just want to check out of this life more than I can put into words. I always have, it's just that I've been good at convincing myself it'll somehow get better. But now I have everything I can possibly have and it hasn't fixed it. I would give anything for her to suddenly realize she doesn't want or need me anymore just so I could go down to the local gun range and put a bullet through my head.
